DERAILED

BY

JAMES SIEGEL

© 2003

To Mindy, who tends to her family as she tends to her garden — with great love, ceaseless devotion, and unflagging enthusiasm.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I would like to thank both Sara Ann and just plain Sarah for their immense help in structuring this story, Larry for believing in it, and, of course, Richard, for unapologetically championing it.

ATTICA

I spend five days a week teaching English at East Bennington High and two nights a week teaching English at Attica State Prison. Which is to say, I spend my time conjugating verbs for delinquents and dangling participles for convicts. One class feeling like they’re in prison and the other class actually being in one.

On the Attica evenings, I eat an early dinner with my wife and two children. I kiss my wife and teenage daughter good-bye and give my four-year-old son a piggyback ride to the front door. I gently put him down, kiss his soft brow, and promise to look in on him when I get home.

I enter my eight-year-old Dodge Neon still surrounded in a halo of emotional well-being.

By the time I pass through the metal detector at Attica Prison, it’s gone.

Maybe it’s the brass plaque prominently displayed on the wall of the visitors room. “Dedicated to the Correction Officers who died in the Attica riots,” it says. There is no plaque for the prisoners who died.

I have only recently begun teaching there, and I can’t quite decide who’s scarier — the Attica prisoners or the corrections officers who guard them. Possibly the corrections officers.

It’s clear they don’t like me much. They consider me a luxury item, like cable TV, something the prisoners did nothing to deserve. The brainchild of some liberal in Albany, who’s never had a shiv stuck in his ribs or feces thrown in his face, who’s never had to peel a tattooed carcass off a blood-soaked floor swimming with AIDS.

They greet me with barely disguised contempt. It’s the PHD, they mumble. “Pathetic Homo Douchebag,” one of them scrawled on the wall of the visitors bathroom.

I forgive them.

They are the outnumbered occupiers of an enslaved population seething with hatred. To survive this hate, they must hate back. They are not allowed to carry guns, so they arm themselves with attitude.

As for the prisoners who attend my class, they are strangely docile. Many of them the unfortunate victims of the draconian Rockefeller drug laws that treat small purchases of cocaine like violent felonies. They mostly look bewildered.

Now and then, I give them writing assignments. Write something, I say. Anything. Anything that interests you.

I used to have them read their work in class. Until one convict, a sloe-eyed black named Benjamin Washington, read what sounded like gibberish. It was gibberish, and the other convicts laughed at him. Benjamin took offense at this and later knifed one of them in the back over a breakfast of watery scrambled eggs and burnt toast.

I decided on anonymity there and then.

They write what interests them and send it up to the desk unsigned. I read it out loud and nobody knows who wrote what. The writer knows; that’s good enough.

One day, though, I asked them to write something that would interest me. The story of them. How they got here, for instance, to Mr. Widdoes’s English class in the rec room at Attica State Prison. If they wanted to be writers, I told them, start with the writer.

It might be enlightening, I thought, maybe even cathartic. It might be more interesting than the story “Tiny the Butterfly,” a recent effort from . . . well, I don’t know, do I? Tiny brought color and beauty to a weed-strewn lot in the projects until he was, unfortunately, crushed like a bug by the local crank dealer. Tiny, it was explained at the bottom of the page, was cymbollic.

I gave out the assignment on Thursday; by next Tuesday the papers were scattered across my desk. I read them aloud in no particular order. The first story about an innocent man being framed for armed robbery. The second story about an innocent man being framed for possession of illegal narcotics. The third story about an innocent man being framed . . .

So maybe it wasn’t that enlightening.

But then.

Another story. Hardly a story at all (although it had a title); a kind of introduction to a story. An invitation to one, really.

About another innocent man.

Who walked on the train one day to go to work.

When something happened.

ONE

The morning Charles met Lucinda, it took him several moments after he first opened his eyes to remember why he liked keeping them closed.

Then his daughter, Anna, called him from the hallway and he thought: Oh yeah.

She needed lunch money, a note for the gym teacher, and help with a book report that was due yesterday.

Not in that order.

In a dazzling feat of juggling, he managed all three between showering, shaving, and getting dressed. He had to. His wife, Deanna, had already left for her job at P.S. 183, leaving him solely in charge.

When he made it downstairs he noticed Anna’s blood meter and a used syringe on the kitchen counter.

ATTICA

Two nights later after dinner, my four-year-old climbed onto my lap and demanded I do treasure hunt on his back.

“We’re going on a treasure hunt,” I whispered as I traced little steps up and down his spine. “Xmarks the spot . . .” as he squirmed and giggled. He smelled of shampoo and candy and Play-Doh, the scent that was clearly and uniquely him.

“To get to the treasure, you take big steps and little steps,” I murmured, and when I finished he asked me where this treasure was exactly, and I answered him on cue. This, after all, was our routine.

“Right here,” I said. And hugged him.

My wife smiled at us from the other side of the table.

When I kissed them all good-bye, I lingered before stepping out into the driveway. As if I were attempting to soak up enough good vibes to last me through the night, straight through the redbrick archway of Attica and into the fetid rec room. Like a magic aura that might protect me from harm.

“Be careful,” my wife said from the front door.

TWO

An expanse of thigh — that’s all at first.

But not just any thigh. A thigh taut, smooth, and toned, a thigh that had obviously spent some time on the treadmill, sheathed by a fashionably short skirt made even shorter by the position of the legs. Casually crossed at the knees. All in all, a skirt length that he’d have to say fell somewhere between sexiness and sluttiness, not exactly one or the other, therefore both.

This is what Charles saw when he looked up.

He could just make out a black high-heeled pump jutting out into the aisle, barely swinging with the motion of the train. He was directly facing her, his seat backward to the city-bound direction of the train car. But she was blocked by the front page of The New York Times, and even if she wasn’t blocked by the day’s alarming if familiar headline — MID-EAST BURNING — he hadn’t yet looked up toward her face, only peripherally. Instead he was focusing on that thigh and hoping against hope she wouldn’t turn out to be beautiful.

She was.

He’d been debating his next move: whether to turn back to his sports stats, for instance, whether to stare out the grime-streaked window, or scan the bank and airline ads lining each side of the car, when he simply threw caution to the wind and peeked. Just as The New York Times strategically lowered, finally revealing the face he’d been so hesitant to look at.

Yes, she was beautiful.

Her eyes.

They were kind of spectacular. Wide and doe shaped and the very definition of tenderness. Full, pouting lips she was ever so slightly biting down on. Her hair? Soft enough to cocoon himself in and never, ever, come out.

He’d been hoping she’d be homely or interesting or simply cute. Not a chance. She was undeniably magnificent.

And that was a problem, because he was kind of vulnerable these days. Dreaming of a kind of alternate universe.

In this alternate universe, he wasn’t married and his kid wasn’t sick, because he didn’t have any kids. Things were always looking up there; the world was his oyster.

So he didn’t want the woman reading The New York Times to be beautiful. Because that was like peeking into the doorway of this alternate universe of his, at the hostess beckoning him to come inside and put his feet up on the couch, and everyone knew alternate universes were for kids and sci-fi nuts.

They didn’t exist.

“Ticket.” The conductor was standing over him and demanding something. What did he want? Couldn’t he see he was busy defining the limitations of his life?

“Ticket,” he repeated.

It was Monday, and Charles had forgotten to actually walk into the station and purchase his weekly ticket. The time change had thrown him off, and here he was, ticketless in front of strangers.

“Forgot to buy one,” he said.

“Okay,” the conductor said.

“See, I didn’t realize it was Monday.”

“Fine.”

Another thing had just occurred to Charles. On Mondays he stopped at the station ATM to take out money he then used to purchase the weekly ticket. Money he also used to get through the week. Money he didn’t, at the moment, have.

“That’s nine dollars,” the conductor said.

Like most couples these days, Charles and Deanna lived on the ATM plan, which doled out cash like a trust fund lawyer — a bit at a time. Charles’s wallet had been in its usual Monday morning location, opened on the kitchen counter, where Deanna had no doubt scoured it for loose cash before going off to work. There was nothing in it.

“Nine dollars,” the conductor said, this time impatiently. No doubt about it; the man was getting antsy.

Charles looked through his wallet anyway. There was always the chance he was wrong, that somewhere in there was a forgotten twenty tucked away between business cards and six-year-old photos. Besides, looking through your wallet was what you were supposed to do when someone was asking you for money.

Which someone was. Repeatedly.

“Look, you’re holding up the whole train,” he said. “Nine dollars.”

“I don’t seem . . .” continuing the facade, sifting through slips of wrinkled receipts and trying not to show his embarrassment at being caught penniless in a train of well-to-do commuters.

“You got it or don’t you?” the conductor said.

“If you just give me a minute . . .”

“Here,” someone said. “I’ll pay for him.”

It was her.

Holding up a ten-dollar bill and showing him a smile that completely threatened his equilibrium.

THREE

Of all the things they talked about — and they talked about all sorts of things — there was one thing they didn’t talk about.

Commuting to work? Yes.

I was thinking the other day, she said, that if the U.S. government was run like the Long Island Rail Road, we’d all be in trouble. And then I realized that maybe it is, and we are.

The weather? Of course.

Fall’s my favorite season, she said. But where did it go?

Baltimore, Charles answered.

Jobs? Absolutely.

I write commercials, Charles said. I'm a creative director.

I cheat clients, she said. I'm a broker. After which she added: Just kidding.

Restaurants dined in . . . colleges attended . . . favorite movies. All spoken of, discussed, mentioned.

Just not marriages.

Marriages, the plural, because she wore a wedding band on her left ring finger.

Maybe marriage wasn’t considered an appropriate topic when flirting. If flirting was what they were doing, of course. Charles wasn’t sure; he was kind of rusty at it and had never been particularly at ease with women to begin with.

But as soon as she’d pressed the ten-dollar bill into the conductor’s hand, Charles protesting all the while — Don’t be silly, you don’t have to do that — as soon as the conductor gave her one dollar in return, Charles still protesting — No, really, this is totally unnecessary — he’d gotten up and sat in the empty seat next to her. Why not — wasn’t it the polite thing to do when someone helped you out? Even someone who looked like her?

Her thighs shifted to accommodate him. Even with his eyes glued to her heartbreaking face, he’d managed to notice the movement of her legs, a memory that stayed with him as he spoke to her about the banal, trivial, and superfluous — a good name, he thought, for a law firm specializing in personal injury suits.

He asked her, for example, which brokerage house she worked for. Morgan Stanley, she answered. And how long she’d been there. Eight years. And where she’d worked before that.

McDonald's she said.

My high school job.

She was just a little younger than he was, she was reminding him. Just in case he hadn’t noticed.

He had. In fact, he was trying to think of just the right word for her eyes and thought it was probably luminous. Yeah, luminous was just about perfect.

“I’ll give you your money back as soon as we get to Penn Station,” he said, suddenly remembering he was in her debt.

“Tomorrow’s fine,” she said. “Ten percent interest, of course.”

“I’ve never met a woman loan shark before. Do you break legs, too?”

“Just balls,” she said.

Yes, he guessed they were flirting after all. And he didn’t seem half-bad at it, either. Maybe it was like riding a bicycle or having sex, in that you never actually forgot how. Although it was possible Deanna and head.

“Is this your usual train?” he asked her.

“Why?”

“So I know how to give you your money back.”

“Forget about it. It’s nine dollars. I think I’ll survive.”

“No. I’ve got to give it back to you — I’d feel ethically impugned if I didn’t.”

“Impugned?Well, I wouldn’t want you to feel impugned. By the way, is that an actual word?”

Charles blushed. “I think so. I saw it in a crossword puzzle once, so it must be.”

Which got them onto a discussion about what else? Crossword puzzles. She liked them — he didn’t.

She could make it through Monday’s with both eyes closed. He needed both eyes and a piece of brain he didn’t possess. The one that provided focus and fortitude. His brain liked to roam around a little too much to sit down and figure out a five-letter word for . . . say . . .sadness. All right, all right, so that was an easy one. Grief. That place where his brain insisted on spending so much of its time these days. Where it had set up house and resolutely refused to budge. Except, of course, when it was imagining that alternate world of his, where he could flirt with green-eyed women he’d just met not five minutes before.

They kept talking about other mostly inconsequential things. The conversation a little like the train itself, moving along at a nice, easy clip, if briefly stopping here and there to pick up some new topic of discussion before gathering steam once again. And then suddenly they were under the East River and almost there.

“Well, I’m lucky you were here today,” he said, entombed in darkness as the fluorescent train lights flickered off and all he could see was the vague shape of her body. It seemed like he’d just got on, like he’d just been asked for nine dollars he didn’t have, and she’d just untangled her thighs and paid for him.

“Tell you what,” he said. “Take the same train tomorrow and I’ll pay you back then.”

“You’ve got a date,” she said.

For the rest of the day, even after he’d shaken her hand good-bye and watched as she disappeared into the Penn Station crowd, after he’d waited ten minutes for a cab uptown and was greeted with his boss, Eliot, telling him to brace himself just two feet into the office, he’d think about her choice of words.

She could’ve said fine, sure, meet you tomorrow. She could’ve said good idea. Or bad idea. Or just mail it to me.

But she’d said: You've got a date.

Her name was Lucinda.

FOUR

Something was up.

Eliot informed him their credit card client was coming in to speak with them. Or, more likely, to scream at them.

Blown deadlines, poor tracking studies, unresponsive account executives — they could take their pick.

Even though the actual reason was the same reason it always was these days.

The economy.

Business simply wasn’t good; there was too much competition, too many clients with too many options. Groveling was in, integrity out.

This was going to be a visit to the principal’s office, a sit-down with Dad, an audience with the IRS. Where he’d have to stand and assume the position and say thank you, sir, too.

One look at Ellen Weischler’s sour expression when he walked into the conference room pretty much confirmed this.

She looked as if she’d just tasted curdled milk or sniffed something odious. He knew what, too. The last commercial they’d done for her company was a triumph of mediocrity. Badly cast, badly written, and badly received. It didn’t matter that they’d recommended another one to them. That they’d begged and pleaded and, yes, even groveled in an attempt to get them to choose a different board. It didn’t even matter that the first cut of the commercial had been almost good—clever, even hip—until the client, Ellen in particular, had meddled with it, changing copy, changing shots, each succeeding cut more bland than the previous one, until they’d ended up with the current dog wagging its tail five times a day on network buys across the country. It didn’t matter because it was their spot, and the buck — or to be perfectly accurate, the 17 percent commission on the $130 million account — stopped there.

There being, of course, Charles.

He greeted Ellen with a chaste kiss on one cheek he thought better of halfway into his lean — thinking you should probably shake hands with she who was about to deck you.

“So . . . ,” Ellen said when they’d all taken their seats. All being Charles, Eliot, two account people—Mo and Lo—and Ellen and hers. So, the way Charles’s mother used to say it when she’d found a Playboy under his bed. So. A so that demanded explanation and certainly contrition.

“I guess you’re not here to raise our commission,” Charles said. He’d meant it as a joke, of course, only no one laughed. Ellen’s expression stayed sour; if anything, she looked worse than before.

“We have some serious issues,” Ellen said.

We have some serious issues, too. We don’t like you telling us what to do all the time. We don’t like being repudiated, belittled, ignored, screamed at. We actually don’t like sour expressions. This is what Charles wanted to say.

What he actually said was: “I understand.” And he said it with a hangdog expression he was perfecting to the point of artistry.

“It seems like we talk and talk but no one listens,” Ellen said.

“Well, we — ”

“This is just what I mean. Listen to me. Then speak.”

It occurred to Charles that Ellen had transcended angry and gone straight to rude. That if she were an acquaintance, he would have already walked out of the room. That if she were a client worth significantly less than $130 million, he would’ve told her to take a hike.

“Of course,” Charles said.

“We all agree on a strategy. We all sign off on it. And then you consistently go off in other directions.”

Those directions being wit, humor, entertainment value, and anything else that actually might make a consumer sit up and watch.

“This last commercial is a case in point.”

Yes, it is.

“We agreed on a board. We said it was going to be done in a certain way. Then you send us a cut that’s nothing like what we agreed to. With all this New York humor in it.”

If she’d uttered a profanity, c — t, say, she couldn’t have looked more distasteful.

“Well, as you know, we’re always trying to make it — ”

“I said listen. ”

She’d definitely entered rude and might actually be edging into humiliating. Charles wondered if this was something one was capable of recovering from.

“We have to send cut after cut back to you just in order to get it to the board we originally bought in the first place.” She paused and looked down at the table.

Charles didn’t like that pause.

It wasn’t a pause that was finally inviting a response. It wasn’t even a pause meant to let her catch her breath. It was a pause that portended something worse than what preceded it. The kind of pause he’d seen from girlfriends before they dropped the ax and dashed all hope. From unscrupulous salesmen about to get to the fine print. From emergency room interns about to tell you exactly what’s wrong with your daughter.

“I think maybe we need a change of direction,” she looked up and said.

Now what did that mean? Other than something bad. Was it possible she was firing the agency?

Charles looked over at Eliot, who, strangely enough, was looking down at the table now, too.

Then he understood.

Ellen wasn’t firing the agency.

Ellen was firing him.

Off the account. Ten years, forty-five commercials, not an insignificant number of industry awards — it didn’t matter.

The answer was no. You couldn’t recover from this. Eliot could, but he couldn’t. And it seemed to him that Eliot must’ve known, too. You don’t take a step like this without informing someone in advance.

Et tu, Brute?

No one was speaking. The pause wasn’t merely pregnant, it was pregnant with triplets — angry, bawling ones; something Charles was scared he himself was about to start doing — just lay his head on the table and begin crying. He didn’t need a mirror to know he was turning bloodred. He didn’t need a psychiatrist to know his self-esteem had taken a mortal hit.

Ellen cleared her throat. That’s it. After repeatedly admonishing him for speaking out of turn, she was waiting for him to say something after all. She was waiting for his resignation speech.

“You don’t want me on the business anymore.”

He’d meant it to sound emotionless and maybe even slightly defiant. But he’d failed. It sounded whiny and defensive, maybe even pathetic.

“We certainly appreciate all the great things you’ve done,” she began. Then he kind of tuned out. He was thinking that a ballsy company, a ballsy president, might’ve stood up to them — said we pick who works on your business here, and Charles is the guy. Maybe. If the account were less significant, if business were better, if they all weren’t spending so much time on their knees.

But Eliot was still staring down at the table, doodling now as a way to give him something to do while Charles was being publicly eviscerated. Or perhaps he was just doing the math — $130 million versus Charles Schine — and coming up with the same answer every time.

Charles didn’t let her finish.

“It’s been fun,” he said, finally striking the right note, he thought. World-weary cynicism with a touch of noblesse oblige.

He exited the conference room engulfed in a kind of hot haze; it felt like walking out of a steamroom.

And into an entirely different climate. Word had spread. He could see it on their faces, and they could see it on his. He barely acknowledged his secretary, walked into his office, shut the door.

Later, after everything fell apart for him, it would be hard to remember that it all began this morning.

In this way.

As for now, he sat behind closed doors and wondered whether Lucinda would be on the train tomorrow.

FIVE

She wasn’t.

He took the same train, stood on the very same spot on the platform.

He walked the train from car to car — first back, then forward — scanning each face the way people do in airports when they’re expecting relatives from overseas. Faces they know but don’t know, but long to know now.

“Remember the woman who bailed me out yesterday?” he asked the conductor. “Have you seen her?”

“What are you talking about?” The conductor didn’t remember him, didn’t remember her, didn’t remember the incident. Maybe he was used to berating commuters on a regular basis; yesterday’s drama wasn’t worthy of recall.

“Never mind,” Charles said.

She wasn’t there.

He was a little amazed that it mattered to him. That it mattered to the point where he’d walked the cars like a rousted homeless man seeking warmth. Who was she, anyway, but a married woman he’d harmlessly flirted with on the way to work? And that’s what made it harmless — that they hadn’t done it again. So why exactly was he looking for her?

Well, because he wanted to talk, maybe. About this and that and the other thing. About what happened to him at the office yesterday, for instance.

He hadn’t been able to tell Deanna.

He was all ready to. Honest.

“How was work today?” she’d asked him at dinner.

A perfectly legitimate question, the question, in fact, he’d been waiting for. Only Deanna had looked tired and worried — she’d been peering into Anna’s blood sugar journal when he walked into the kitchen.

So Charles had said: “Work’s fine.”

And that was it for talk about the office.

When Anna first got sick, they’d talked of nothing else. Until it became apparent what the future held for her, and then they’d stopped talking about it. Because to talk about it was to acknowledge it.

Then they created a whole canon of things they were not to talk to each other about. Anna’s future career plans, for example. Any article in Diabetes Today involving loss of limbs. Any bad news in general. Because complaining about something other than Anna diminished Anna.

“I was monitored by Mrs. Jeffries today,” Deanna said. Mrs. Jeffries was her school principal.

“How did it go?”

“Fine. Pretty much. You know she always throws a fit if I deviate from accepted lesson plans.”

“So did you?”

“Yes. But the composition I gave out was ‘Why we like our principal.’ So she couldn’t really complain, could she?”

Charles laughed. And thought how that was something they used to do a lot of. The laughing Schines. And he looked at his wife and thought, Yes, she’s still beautiful.

Dirty blond hair — with a little help from Clairol, maybe — tousled and curly and barely constrained by a white elastic headband; dark brown eyes that never looked at him without at least a modicum of love. Only there were tired lines radiating out from the corners of those eyes, as if tears had cut actual tracks into the surface of her skin. Like those lines crisscrossing NASA photographs of Mars — dry riverbeds, the astronomers explain, where torrents of water once surged across the now dead landscape. Which is sometimes the way he thought about Deanna — all cried out.

After dinner they both went upstairs. Charles attempted to help Anna with her eighth-grade social homework—the separation of church and state, something she was trying to do with MTV tuned to the volume of excruciating.

“What steps did the United States take to separate church and state?” Charles said, only he mouthed the words so that maybe Anna would get the point — that there should be a separation of homework and TV.

She refused to take the hint. When he finally stood in front of the television so she’d stop sneaking peeks at Britney or Mandy or Christina and concentrate on the business at hand, she told him to move.

“Sure,” he said. And jerked his arms and legs in a reasonable facsimile of the funky chicken. See, I’m moving.

At least that elicited a smile, no small accomplishment from a thirteen-year-old daughter whose general demeanor ranged from sullen to dour. Then again, she had good cause.

When he finished helping her, he gave her a kiss on the top of her head and she grunted something that sounded like Good night or Get lost.

Then he entered his bedroom, where Deanna was lying under the covers and pretending to sleep.

SIX

Lucinda,” he said. Or yelped.

That’s what it sounded like to him — the noise a dog makes when its tail is stepped on.

She was back on the train.

He hadn’t seen her when he sat down; he’d opened his paper and immediately burrowed into the land of the Giants: “Coach Fassel lamented the lack of pressure by his front four this past Sunday. . . .”

Then that black pump, the stiletto heel like a dagger aimed at his heart, as he looked up and bared his chest for the kill.

“Lucinda . . .”

A second later, that perfect face edging out into the aisle to peer at him, eyes sheathed in black-rimmed spectacles — she hadn’t worn glasses before, had she — followed by a full-wattage smile. No, more like one of those soft-glow bulbs, the kind of light that takes the edge off and makes everything look better than it actually is.

And she said: “Hi.” Such a sweet “hi,” too, as genuine sounding as they come, a woman who seemed glad to see him. Even though she was four rows and three days away from their scheduled assignation.

“Why don’t you come over here,” she whispered.

Yes, why not.

When he reached her, Lucinda pulled her impossibly long legs off to the side to let him pass.

“Just in time,” she said. “I was ready to call the police and report the nine dollars stolen.”

He smiled. “I looked all over for you the other day.”

“I’ll bet,” she said.

“No, really, I did.”

“I was kidding, Charles.”

“So was I,” he lied.

“So,” she said, hand out, impeccably manicured fingernails polished bloodred, “pay up.”

“Sure.” He reached for his wallet, opening it up to a picture of Anna and hiding it immediately, as if it were an admonishment he didn’t wish to hear. He placed a crisp ten-dollar bill in her hand, the tips of his fingers grazing her flesh, which felt slightly moist and hot.

“Your daughter?” she said.

He blushed, was sure he blushed, even as he answered, “Yep.”

“How old?”

“Too old.” The wise - guy - ish you - wouldn’t - believe - the - travails - of - fatherhood tone. The good-natured I love her and all, but I wouldn’t mind wringing her neck on occasion.

“Tellme about it.”

So she had children, too. Of course she did.

“Daughters?” he asked.

“One.”

“All right, I showed you mine, now you show me yours.”

She laughed. Score one for Charles, the cutup. Then she reached into her bag, one of those cavernous things you could’ve gone camping with if it wasn’t made of such obviously expensive leather. She fished out her wallet and flipped it open for him.

A very photogenic little girl of about five, blond hair flying in all directions, caught in midair on a playground swing somewhere in the country, maybe. Freckle faced, knobby kneed, and sweet smiled.

“She’s adorable,” he said, and meant it.

“Thanks. I forget sometimes.” Mimicking his tone of parental weariness. “Yours looked lovely, too — what I could see of her.”

“An angel,” he said, then immediately regretted his choice of words.

The conductor asked them for their tickets. Charles was tempted to ask him if he remembered the woman now. After all, he was doing everything possible to sneak peeks at her legs.

“Here,” she said to Charles after the conductor managed to pull himself away and move on. She’d put a dollar bill in his hand.

“I thought I owed you interest,” he said.

“I’ll let you slide. This time.”

He wondered about this time .

“I didn’t remember you with glasses,” he said.

“Getting new contacts,” she said.

“Oh. You look great in them, by the way.”

“You think?”

“Yeah.”

“Not too serious for you.”

“I like serious.”

“Why’s that?”

“Why do I like serious?”

“Yes, Charles. Why do you like serious?”

“Seriously . . . I don’t know.”

She smiled. “You’re kind of funny, aren’t you?”

“I try.”

They were passing Rockville Centre, the movie theater where he often took Deanna plainly visible from the train car. And for one surreal moment, he imagined he was looking out on his past life. That he was firmly ensconced in this new universe of his—snug as a bug in Charlesville. Just Lucinda and him, newly married and on their way to work. Still chitchatting about their recent honeymoon — where had they gone, exactly? Kaui — yes, two weeks at the posh Kaui Hilton. Already starting to think about having kids, too — after all, they weren’t getting any younger, were they? One of each, they’d decided, though it didn’t really matter. As long as they were, of course, healthy. . . .

“Busy day today?” she asked him.

“Busy? Sure.” Busy fending off disgruntled clients looking for his head and bosses looking to betray him. And for a second, he felt like telling her exactly what had been going on there and finding a nice soft spot on her shoulder to cry on.

“Me too.”

“What?”

“It’s going to be a busy day for me, too.”

“I imagine you’re getting a lot of angry calls these days.”

“Well, if you consider death threats angry.”

Charles smiled. “You’re kind of funny, too.”

“You think?”

“Yes. Clients must have loved you when times were good.”

“Are you kidding? Then you weren’t making them enough money. They all had a cousin or brother-in-law or grandmother whose stock split sixty-four times. Why couldn’t I sell them one of those? ”

“Well, admit it. It was kind of like throwing darts.”

“Sure. Now they’re throwing them at me.”

He thought he detected the slightest accent. What, though?

“Were you born in New York?” he asked her.

“No, Texas. I was an army brat,” she said. “I grew up everywhere and nowhere.”

“That must have been tough.” The usual platitude one was supposed to offer at that kind of statement, he guessed.

“Well, your best friend changed identity just about every six months. On the other hand, it was kind of neat because you changed identity, too, if you wanted to. If you screwed up in Amarillo, they didn’t have to know about it in Sarasota. You were able to start clean.”

“I can see the benefit of that,” Charles said. The man across from them was pretending to read the paper, but what he was actually doing was the very same thing the conductor had done. That is, taking every opportunity to stare at Lucinda’s thighs. Charles felt a certain pride of ownership — even if ownership consisted solely of the forty-five-minute ride into Penn Station.

“Did that happen a lot?” Charles asked.

“What?”

“You screwing up?”

“Once or twice,” she said. “I was rebelling against authority.”

“Is that what you called it?”

“No. That’s what they called it. I called it getting lit.”

“Who’s they? Your parents?”

“Yeah. And the army psychiatrist they made me go to.”

“How was that?”

“Have you ever met an army psychiatrist?”

“General incompetence? Major malpractice? No.”

She laughed. “See, I told you you were funny,” she said.

Yes, an absolute laugh riot. “Maybe you wouldn’t mind calling my clients up and telling them that.”

“Sure. How are things at the office?”

“Fine.”

“You said you were in what . . . advertising?”

“Yes. Advertising.”

“So? How is the ad biz these days?”

“It has its good days and bad days.”

“And . . . ?”

“And . . . ?”

“These are the bad days?”

“Well, no one’s threatening to kill me.” No, just to demote him into insignificance.

“Come on, I complain about my job — you complain about yours. Fair’s fair. . . .”

And so, what the hell. He did tell her.

Initially not intending to reveal much more than that he’d had a little trouble with a client, but once he started he found himself more or less unable to stop. Listening to himself spill out the details of office Sturm und Drang with genuine amazement at his utter lack of control. Seething Ellen Weischler. Backstabbing Eliot. The unfairness of it all.

He supposed she could have stopped him at any point. She could have said enough, or do you really want to be telling me this, or even begun to laugh at him.

She did none of those things, though. She listened. And when he finished, she said:

“And they think brokers suck.”

“I don’t know what made me tell you that,” he said. “Sorry.” Although he wasn’t, actually. Embarrassed? Sure. But at the same time purged. As if he’d finally thrown up last night’s rancid meal and could finally get back to the table.

And then she did more than just listen to him. She reached out and massaged his right shoulder. More like a soft, soothing pat, a friendly rub, a supportive and sisterly squeeze.

“Poor baby,” she said.

And Charles couldn’t help thinking that certain clichés are belittled out of nothing but jealousy. Her touch felt electric, for instance. A cliché knocked as pure hokum by people unlucky enough not to be feeling it. Which, at any given moment, was most people. Because, well, her touch did feel electric; his body was suddenly humming like one of those power lines they string across the dry Kansas plains.

They blew into the East River Tunnel — the tunnel of love, he thought — and for just a moment he was afraid he was going to lean over and do something stupid. That he’d end up being taken away in handcuffs for this stupid thing on the platform at Penn Station.

Then something happened.

The train car went pitch black, the lights zapping off as they always did when the train burrowed under the East River. It felt as if he were sitting in a darkened movie theater waiting for that phosphorescent glow to come rescue him. Or for something else to rescue him; he could smell her there in the darkness. Lilac and musk.

And then her breath was by his ear, soft and humid. Her mouth was close enough to kiss as it whispered something into his ear.

Then the lights blinked on, blinked off, and settled back into full ghostly fluorescence.

Nothing had really changed.

The unrepentant voyeur sitting directly across from them was still peeking at Lucinda’s thighs. The woman with varicose-veined legs was dozing across the aisle from them. There was the pinch-faced banker, the college kid slumped over his textbook, the court stenographer warily guarding her Teletype.

Lucinda also looked just like she had before, turned face forward like everyone else.

Wasn’t she turning back to her newspaper, checking the Amex and the Nasdaq and the overseas indexes and municipal bonds?

He waited a while to see if she’d look over and resume speaking with him, then looked out the window, where they passed a massive billboard that said, “Lose Yourself in the Virgin Islands.”

When the train settled into Penn Station, he asked her if they might have lunch sometime.

SEVEN

Okay,” Winston said, “okay. Seven players who hit forty or more home runs with eleven letters in their last name.”

“Yastrzemski,” Charles answered, immediately going for the local boy made good, the BoSox star who’d been raised on a Long Island potato farm.

“Okay,” Winston said. “That’s one.”

Winston Boyko. Mailroom employee. Baseball fan. General raconteur.

He’d been stepping into Charles’s office ever since he’d spied Charles in his faded Yankees T-shirt.

Charles had asked him if he wanted anything, and he’d said, Yes, the starting lineup of the 1978 Yankees, including DH.

Charles had gotten every one with the exception of Jim Spencer — first baseman — and that, more or less, had started a friendship. Of sorts.

Charles couldn’t tell you where Winston lived or what his middle name was, or even if he had a girlfriend or wife. It was a let’s-talk-baseball-trivia kind of friendship, a relationship conducted in the ten minutes a day Winston delivered the mail — once in the morning, once in the afternoon.

Right now, it was morning and Winston was grinning because Charles was having trouble coming up with any additions to the great Yaz.

Killebrew — sorry, nine letters.

Petrocelli — good guess, only ten.

“How about you give me till this afternoon?” Charles asked.

“You mean so you can look it up on-line and then pretend you didn’t?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” Winston said, “sure.”

Winston wasn’t your average mailroom employee. For one thing, he was white. For another thing, he was easily smart enough to be writing copy.

Charles had wondered on more than one occasion why he’d ended up delivering office mail — but he’d never asked him. They weren’t that kind of buddies.

On the other hand, you never knew. Wasn’t Winston looking at him with a hint of genuine concern?

“You okay, chief?” he asked him.

“Sure. I’m fine.”

Only he wasn’t fine. He’d been handed a pain reliever account from Eliot, his boss and betrayer. By note, too—“Till something better comes along,” he’d written at the bottom of the page. Only when was that going to be?

And he was thinking about what he was going to be doing for lunch today. Who he’d be having lunch with. The woman with the luminous eyes.

And Charles thought: I have never cheated on Deanna.

Not once.

Not that he hadn’t been tempted here and there. Sorely tempted, sometimes experiencing actual physical symptoms not unlike the warning signs of a heart attack — a faint sweat, a dull ache in the chest, a slight nausea. It’s just that whenever he contemplated going further, he experienced the very same symptoms.

Only worse.

The problem was that he looked at infidelity pretty much the way he imagined Deanna did—not as a fling, but as a betrayal. And betrayal was the kind of word he associated with Benedict Arnold and the 1919 Black Sox. The kind of act that gets you either banned or executed. Besides, he was sure that he loved his wife. That he loved at least the constant unalterable presence of her.

Then again, this was before life betrayed him. Before he started dreaming about life in a more Charles-friendly universe.

“You look kind of sick,” Winston said. “I’m worried it might be contagious.”

“It’s not.” You couldn't catch what he had, could you?

“That’s what Dick Lembergh said.”

“Dick Lembergh? Who’s that?”

“Nobodynow. He’s dead.”

“Thank you. That’s comforting,” Charles said.

“I’ll give you a hint,” Winston said.

“Ahint? ”

“About the other six players. Three of them were American Leaguers.”

“Why didn’t you say three of them were National Leaguers?”

“Hey, you're good. ”

Winston might not have a blue-collar mind, but he had a workingman’s body. That is, he looked like he could beat you up if he ever felt like it. He had a tattoo on his upper arm — AB, it said.

A mistake I made, he'd once told Charles.

Getting the tattoo?

Nah. Dating that girl — Amanda Barnes. I like the tat.

“By the way,” he said now, straightening up to leave, “I’m not a hundred percent sure if it’s seven players with eleven letters in their last names or eleven players with seven letters in their last names. A guy told it to me in a bar around two in the morning, so it’s anybody’s guess.”

EIGHT

How did they get from lunch hour to the cocktail hour?

From tuna Niçoise and biscottis to cosmopolitans and salted nuts?

Lunch, after all, was something you did with a friend. Drinks was something you did with a good friend. Lunch involved a call to Lucinda, but drinks required a call to Deanna. An explanation for his lateness. It required lying.

And he was as bad a liar as he was a joke teller.

Then again, practice makes perfect.

“I’m working late tonight,” he told Deanna over the phone on the afternoon of their first nighttime date.

“I’m working late again, ” he told her the next time.

And the time after that.

Slowly becoming aware that life was changing for him. That he was spending most of his time more or less waiting for the next time he’d see Lucinda.

Temple Bar.

Keats.

Houlihan’s. Where both of them finally had to acknowledge where this was heading.

Maybe it was the drinks. He’d decided to forgo his usual Cabernet and had opted for a margarita instead. Or two. At a bar where they didn’t skimp on the tequila.

By his second drink, he was seeing things. Or not seeing things. For instance, the rest of the bar patrons had faded away, leaving only Lucinda.

“I think you’re trying to get me drunk,” she said.

“No. I’m trying to get you drunker.”

“Oh right. I forgot. I’m already wasted.”

“You look beautiful wasted,” he said.

“That’s because you're wasted.”

“Oh yeah.”

She did look beautiful—glassy eyes had nothing to do with it. Dressed tonight in something ridiculously short and impossibly snug, stretched this tight over her glossy nylon thighs.

“What did you tell your wife?” she asked him.

“I told her I was having drinks with a beautiful woman I met on the Long Island Rail Road.”

“Ha,” she said.

“What did you tell your husband?”

“Same thing. That I was having drinks with a beautiful woman I met on the Long Island Rail Road.” She laughed, holding her pink cosmopolitan away from her body so it wouldn’t spill on her.

Her husband. Stolid, dependable, nearly twenty years older than her, and poisonously boring, she’d complained to him. Passionate only about golf these days.

“You know . . . ,” he said. “You know . . .”

“What?”

“I forget.” He was going to say something that he had the vague notion he was going to regret later, but he’d lost it when she turned to look at him with those soft green eyes. If jealousy was the green-eyed monster, what was love? The green-eyed angel?

“What are we doing, Charles?” she said, looking kind of solemn now. Maybe she was about to say something she was going to regret, too.

“We’re having a drink.”

“I meant what are we doing after we have a drink?”

“Having another drink?”

“After that.”

He was thinking of a possible answer for that one, but suddenly there was someone else in the bar; they weren't the only two people left in the world. A man of uncertain age had pushed himself between them to get the bartender’s attention.

Only his attention went elsewhere — as soon as he got a look at Lucinda’s legs, that is.

“May I buy you a drink?” he said to her.

“No,” she said, showing the cosmo still in her hand.

“Okay. May I buy you the bar?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Excuse me,” Charles said; the man was nearly standing on his shoes.

“I don’t want to buy you a drink,” the man said.

“That’s funny. It is. Only I was talking to the woman here.”

“So was I.”

Charles couldn’t tell whether the man was being funny or just being himself, which could be anything from rude to homicidal. It was hard to tell these days.

“You know, actually, he was talking to me,” Lucinda said to the man. “So . . .”

“A needle pulling thread.”

“All right, we'll leave,” she said.

“Oh,stay, ” he said.

“Excuse me,” Lucinda said, getting up from her bar stool and trying to push past him.

“Something I said?”

“Excuseme.”

“Great. The cunt’s leaving,” he said.

Charles hit him.

As far as he knew, he’d never hit anyone before; he was surprised that hitting someone was just as painful as being hit. He was also surprised that the man actually went down, with genuine blood on his lip.

“He said something very rude to me,” Lucinda explained to several waiters who’d suddenly materialized and stepped between them.

A flushed-looking man came rushing up from the nether regions of the restaurant — the manager, Charles guessed.

“Maybe you should all leave,” he said after ascertaining what had transpired. It wasn’t difficult — the man Charles had punched to the floor was still in the process of getting up, and Charles was still rubbing the hand that punched him.

“Sure,” Charles said. “Why not.”

He retrieved Lucinda’s coat from the cloakroom, aware that all eyes were on him, though the only eyes he cared about were green and widened with gratitude.

Well, weren’t they? Hadn’t he just kicked sand on the bully, rescued the maiden, defended her honor?

It was blustery outside, cold enough to turn his breath to vapor.

“Get a cab to Penn?” she asked, her eyes tearing up from the chill—or was it from the emotion of the moment? From the exhibition of his prowess?

“Forget the train,” he said. “I’ll call a car. I’ll get a car and drop you home.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Maybe that’s not a good idea.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know. Someone may see us.” The first open acknowledgment of illicit doings.

“Someone might see us on the train, too.”

“That’s the train. Strangers sit on trains. Its different.”

“Okay. Whatever you want.” His arm was on her arm — he hadn’t realized he’d put it there, but he had, and he could feel her body heat beneath the coat. Like the fever beneath a chill.

“I just don’t think the car’s a good idea.”

“Okay.”

“I might do something I shouldn’t do.”

“Like pass out?” He was trying to be funny again—emphasis on trying — but maybe it wasn’t the time to be funny, because he could almost swear she was leaning in toward him, that she’d somehow gotten closer than she’d been before.

“Like maybe eat you,” she said.

“That settles it,” he said. “I’m getting the car.”

She kissed him.

But kissing doesn’t quite do it justice. It wasn’t kissing as much as mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, because he felt himself coming back from the dead.

When they pulled apart, and they didn’t do that for what seemed like a day and a half, they both caught their breath as if just beached from the sea.

“Uh-oh,” she said.

His sentiments exactly. Or maybe just oh. An exclamation of wonderment and unbridled joy—okay, not totally unbridled, since there were just a few complications lurking around somewhere.

Yet those complications — which had names and faces and legitimate claims to his love and loyalty — suddenly seemed to re-cede like the bar patrons from moments ago and fade away into a peripheral world.

NINE

It was called the Fairfax Hotel. The kind of hotel that had fallen into disrepair and anonymity. The kind of hotel most people would choose to bypass for something better.

But not Charles, and not now.

He was on his way there to spend the morning with Lucinda.

TEN

He passed out, more than once he passed out, but each time the man brought him back, slapping water onto his face, whispering into his ear.

Don’t fade on me, my man. Round two . . . baby. Round three . . . four . . .

It was like bad porno . . . the kind you don’t really want to see, but your friend just happens to have it, so you watch. Even as you pull your eyes away, you watch. The woman with the dog, the scat tape where she swallows it all — sickening, really, can’t believe she’s really doing that, but she is, and you’re watching it. Your stomach churning, your guts heaving, makes you want to throw up, but you have to look at it. Don’t know why, but you do.

Him and Lucinda. Beautiful naked Lucinda and him.

And she was beautiful. As he placed her on hands and knees and put it into her ass. Telling Charles what he was doing, too — keeping up a kind of running commentary. . . .

See, Charles — they love it in the ass. They tell you they don’t, but all whores do.

Telling her to moan for him. Putting the gun up by her head as he rode her and making her moan. Moans of pain, probably, but they sounded like moans of pleasure. Moans were moans. Hard to tell which were which, except for the fact that her eyes were squeezed shut, her mascara streaked and running, and she was biting into her lip until it bled.

And Charles watching, sitting there in the chair as if he were tied down, even though he wasn’t tied down.

See this, Charles — a born cocksucker. . . . That’s right, baby . . . suck that big daddy dick. . . .

The tableaux changed, no longer fucking her in the ass, but standing in front of her, hands cradling her face, that beautiful Lucinda face. And Lucinda choking, gurgling, the sounds spurring him on . . .Oh yes . . . oh yes . . . you watching this, Charles, Charley . . . don’t want to miss the cum shot . . . gotta see the money shot . . . oh yes . . .

And later, Lucinda lying there — how much later? Charles didn’t know, later that morning, later that afternoon. Lucinda lying there covered with sweat and cum, hardly moving. Was she dead? No, she was still breathing, if only barely. Charles looked down at the dried blood on his hands and wondered whose it was, forgetting that it was his, that his nose must be broken.

And now the man was rubbing himself, naked except for his sweat socks and sneakers, staring at Lucinda on the floor and jerking himself. For another round. Round . . .what? Five, six?

“Still with us, Charles? ” the man said. “Hang in there, bud. More to come. . . .”

And there was.

The man taking her again, propping her up against the bed as if she were a marionette, all loose arms and legs, twisting her into his vision of lewd. Legs up by her ears, hands spreading herself — giggling at this. Taking his time, placing her just right, an inch here, an inch there. Lucinda slack jawed, just a prop, a blowup doll.

And Charles decided to give it one more shot—not him deciding, his machismo deciding, his reptilian cortex, maybe — pushing him up off the chair in the general direction of the man who was about to rape Lucinda for the fifth or sixth time.

The first thing was — he was dizzy. It was blindman’s buff and he’d been spun around the room like a top and couldn’t tell which way was which. He staggered, he teetered, he wobbled — the man not even aware of him yet because he was still positioning Lucinda and had maybe forgotten that Charles was even in the room. So Charles eventually righted himself and actually made it all the way over to him. He grabbed the man from behind, around the neck, and squeezed.

He squeezed for all he was worth, he squeezed like there was no tomorrow, a virtual death grip of steel. But the man calmly, almost lazily, stood up and sloughed Charles off him as if he were dumping garbage onto the sidewalk. Charles ended up splay-legged on the floor, wondering what happened, as the man grinned and shook his head.

“Charles . . . Charles . . . what the fuck’s the matter with you? Giving you the show of a lifetime. Championship fucking—you’ve never seen fucking like this. And this is the thanks I get. Shit. I ought to kick your ass, Charles. I ought to kick the shit out of you.”

Charles mumbled something back at him. What did he say? He didn’t know. . . .

“Okay,Charles. Let’s calm down. Let me count to ten. You just wanted some for yourself, that it? Watching the fuck machine got you hot, that it? I understand. Only not today, my man. It ain’t your turn, understand?”

Lucinda was still stuck in that pornographic position, like a bored model waiting for the shutter. Only she didn’t look bored as much as dead, not even turning to look at her would-be savior, who in the end had simply traded one seat for another. One in the balcony for one in the front row.

As the man—fully erect, the clumsy violence had apparently invigorated him—knelt between her white thighs, the thighs Charles had lain between not two hours before, and began again. So close to him, Charles could almost touch him, even if he couldn’t hit him, even if he couldn't stop him.

“Oh, Charles,” he whispered, “like velvet. Like smooth, fucking velvet. . . .”

ATTICA

Sorry, I have to interrupt here.

I think I should come clean.

ELEVEN

After Lucinda left, I went to the doctor.

It was 130 blocks uptown from the Fairfax Hotel. I walked because the man had taken my wallet and all my cash in it.

I had a broken nose and a bloodstained jacket, but no one seemed to notice. There were other things to look at, I suppose — a homeless man with no clothes on, for instance. A woman on Rollerblades dressed entirely in purple. A black man shouting about something called the Sons of Jonah. My swollen nose and bloody jacket slipped right under the average city dweller’s radar.

A funny thing happened as I walked. And walked and walked.

I started counting blocks but ended up counting blessings.

Because there were blessings. I was alive, for instance. That was blessing number one. I’d been half-sure the man was going to shoot me. So being alive was a blessing. And then there was my wife and daughter. Blessings, both of them. My unknowing wife, blessedly ignorant of the fact that I’d just spent the morning in room 1207 of the Fairfax Hotel with a woman other than her. Watching that woman get brutally and repeatedly raped, of course — but still.

And Anna . . . how could I have done a thing like this to her? I felt as if I’d been deathly sick for a long time and that my fever had finally broken. I could think clearly again.

Dr. Jaffe asked me what happened.

“I fell getting out of a cab.”

“Uh-huh,” Dr. Jaffe said. “You’d be surprised how many times I hear that.”

“I’m sure.”

Dr. Jaffe set my nose and gave me a sample bottle of codeine. “If the pain gets bad,” he said.

I felt like telling him that the pain was already bad, but then I was kind of welcoming the discomfort. Like the 130 blocks of arctic air I’d just stepped out of, it grounded me.

I walked all the way to the office. I suppose I could’ve gone home, but I was going to make this a day like any other. A late-starting day, a day with a morning I’d rather not think about, but wasn’t there a whole afternoon ahead? And another morning and afternoon after that, and so on? I was jumping back in with both feet.

When I got to the office, I trotted out the same story for anyone who asked. And everyone who saw me did. Winston, Mary Widger, and three-quarters of my creative group. The cab, the street hole, the unfortunate fall. They were all sorry for me; they all tried not to look at my nose and the two raccoon like rings appearing under both eyes.

When I finally sat down in my office, I felt the kind of relief that comes with being back in your own environment, an environment that had been feeling a little sad and hopeless lately, but suddenly felt warm and welcoming. Life itself feeling warm and welcoming—richer than I’d been willing to give it credit for. There were all my things, for example. My very own phone and computer and couch and coffee table. And all those industry awards I’d managed to garner—gold and silver and bronze—and who could say, despite recent setbacks, that there wouldn’t be more to come? And on my desk, a photograph of us: Deanna and Anna and me, taken somewhere on a beach in the Caribbean. My family, secure in the knowledge of my love. And I did love them.

But looking at that picture made me think about that other picture, the one in my wallet. The one the man had ogled, then polluted by holding in his hand. The one he still had with him.

“Darlene,” I called.

“Yes?” My secretary appeared at my door, wearing a look of motherly concern.

“I just realized I lost my wallet. It must’ve fallen out when I broke my nose.”

“Uh-oh.”

“Can you call the credit card companies for me and cancel the cards?”

“No.”

“What?”

“No.You’ve got to call them yourself. They’ll only listen to the cardholder.”

“Oh. Right.” I probably should’ve known that. I probably should’ve known a lot of things. For instance, that shabby-looking hotels look shabby for a reason—because they are shabby. The kinds of places that attract lowlifes and persons with criminal intent. Persons who loiter in stairwells, waiting for persons with adulterous intent to cross their paths. I was in my forties and still learning.

I called the card companies. American Express and Visa and MasterCard. Canceling your cards is an easy thing to do these days; you just tell them your mother’s maiden name — Reston — and poof. Your card number ceases to be. And I pictured the man standing in some store being told that his card was no good. That one, too. And this one as well. All of them no good.

Only I suddenly pictured Deanna in a store, being told the same thing. I had to call her. It was after three — she’d be home.

She picked up on the fourth ring, and when I heard her voice saying, “Hello,” I was overcome with a kind of gratitude. Grateful to God, I suppose—assuming that there was one, assuming that he’d care enough to see that I’d made it out of the Fairfax Hotel in one piece. Minus a whole nose, maybe, minus a lover, sure, but other than that, reasonably intact.

“You won’t believe the day I had,” I told her. And she wouldn't have believed it.

“What happened?”

“I broke my nose.”

“You broke your what? ”

“My nose. I fell down getting out of a cab and broke my nose.”

“Oh, Charles . . .”

“Don’t worry. It’s okay, it’s fine. The doctor set it and gave me enough codeine to sedate a horse. I’m feeling no pain.” That wasn’t true—I was feeling pain, but this pain was a kind of penance and tempered by that other thing I was feeling, which was unmitigated relief.

“Oh,Charles. Why don’t you come home?”

“I told you. I’m fine. I have a few things to do here.” Like say three hundred Hail Marys and lick my wounds.

“You sure?”

“Yes.” I was moved by the obvious empathy in her voice, the kind of empathy made possible only through years of sticking together through thick and thin. Even if we couldn’t communicate it lately — even if we couldn’t physically express it — it was there. It had always been there. And I nearly felt like confessing and throwing myself on the mercy of the court. But then I’d never have to, would I? Life was back where it started, before I’d looked up from my paper and noticed a white thigh and swinging black pump.

“One other thing,” I said.

“What?”

“I lost my wallet. When I fell out of the cab. I told you, you wouldn't believe the day I had.”

“A wallet’s just a wallet. I’m more concerned about you.”

“I already called the credit card companies and canceled them. Just wanted you to know — you better cut them up and throw them away. They’re going to send us new ones by tomorrow — at least they say they are.”

“Fine. Consider it done.”

I said good-bye, whispered, “I love you,” and started to hang up.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” she said.

“Yes?”

“Mr. Vasquez called.”

“Mr.Who? ”

“Mr. Vasquez. He said he had a business lunch with you at the Fairfax Hotel. He forgot to tell you something.

“Charles . . . ?”

“Yes?”

“Why didn’t he call you at the office?”

TWELVE

I called Lucinda at the work number she’d given me.

Hello, this is Lucinda Harris at Morgan Stanley. I’m not here at the moment, but if you leave your name and a brief message, I’ll get back to you.

So I did leave a brief message of sorts. Help. Not saying the actual word, of course, but then it’s the thought that counts.

“I’ve got to talk to you,” I said. “That . . .person from the hotel called me.” I tried to keep the panic out of my voice, the same way I’d tried to keep it out of my voice when Deanna had told me that Mr. Vasquez had called. I failed both times.

Are you okay? Deanna had asked me.

It’s the codeine, I'd said. It's making me woozy. I had wanted to say, It's Mr. Vasquez, he’s making me terrified.

Eliot came into my office to offer condolences about my nose. Maybe to try to patch things up, too — after all, we were friends, weren’t we? More than co-workers, than simple boss and employee. Eliot had been my rabbi all these years — hadn’t he promoted me and talked me up and provided me with more than generous raises? I’d been mistaken to blame Eliot for my dismissal from the credit card account — that had been their doing, not his. Ellen Weischler and her gang of four. Eliot was burying the hatchet and saying let’s be friends again.

And I needed a friend right now.

How much do you love me? I used to ask Anna when she was very small.

From the earth to the moon, she'd answer me. And sometimes, To infinity.

Which might be how much I needed a friend right now. A need as infinite as it was immediate.

I felt like unburdening myself to him. I'd like to tell you something that happened to me, I’d say to him. I know it’s hard to believe — I know it’s kind of ridiculous. I met this girl. And Eliot would wink and nod and smile, because Eliot had met girls before, too — three marriages to prove it and number three on life support these days.

I met this girl, I'd say, married, and Eliot’s smile would grow only wider, if that were possible, because he’d met married girls, too. We went to a hotel together — and here Eliot would lean in even closer, all ears, because was there anything quite as delicious as listening to a buddy give up the details, other than recounting the details yourself?

We went to a hotel together, I'd continue, only when we got to the room, someone else came in there with us.

And Eliot would lose that smile. Because this story took a vicious left turn and ended with this someone who came into our room raping the woman and calling my house. Talking to my wife.

Eliot asked me if something was the matter.

“No,” I said.

“Maybe you ought to go home,” Eliot said. “You look a little pale.”

“The nose,” I said.

“Yeah — the nose doesn’t look so good.”

“No.”

“Well, go home, then.”

“Maybe I will.”

Eliot patted me on the back — friends again, after all.

THIRTEEN

The conversation:

“Hello there, Charles. ”

“Hello.” His voice seemed out of context. It belonged in a hotel room smelling of blood, not here in the safety of my own den. Unless my den wasn’t safe anymore.

“How’s things, Charles? ”

“What do you want?”

“You doin’ okay, Charles?”

“Fine. What do you want?”

“Yousure you doin’ okay, Charles?”

“Yes, I’m doing okay.”

“Not getting stupid on me, Charles, right? Not running to the cops?”

Lucinda was right; he wanted to know if we’d gone to the police. “No,” I said.

“I know you promised and all, but I don’t know you that well, know what I’m sayin’?”

“I haven’t gone to the police,” I said. I was speaking softly; I’d ushered Anna out of the room, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t come in again. And then there was Deanna, who just might pick up the phone and wonder who I was talking to.

“That’s good, Charles.”

“What do you want?” I asked him again.

“What do I want?”

“Look, I — ”

“You’re not going to get stupid on me, Charles, right? You tell the cops, you got to tell the little woman, right, Charles? You got to tell her how you’re fucking Lucinda, right, Charles? Why you want to do that, huh?”

He’d laid it out for me. The crux of the situation, just in case I’d missed it.

“I’m not going to the police,” I repeated.

“That’s good, Charles. Here’s the thing — I need a loan.”

Okay. It was the question Lucinda had begun to ask me on the phone. What if he . . . Not exactly finishing, but if she had, she would have said: What if he asks for money?

“I hate to ask, know what I mean?” he said. “But I’m a little short, see.”

“Look, I don’t know what you think — ”

“Not much, Charles. A little loan, you know. Say ten grand. . . .”

“I don’t have ten grand.”

“You don’t have ten grand?”

“No.” I’d thought it was over, but it wasn’t over.

“Shit. That’s a problem.”

“Look, I don’t have cash just lying around like that. Everything’s — ”

“That’s a real problem, Charles. I really need that loan, see.”

“I just don’t have — ”

“I think you better get it for me.” Leaving unsaid why I better get it for him.

“Everything’s tied up. I just can’t — ”

“You’re not listening to me, Charles. I’m talking here and you’re not listening. I need ten grand, Charles. Okay? That’s the deal. You’re a big fucking executive, Charles. Says so right on your business card. Senior”—saying it like señor—“creative director. Ex-ec-u-tive vice pres-i-dent. That’s pretty fucking impressive, Charles. And you don't got ten grand? Who the fuck you kidding?”

No one, I thought.

“Charles.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t give a fuck about your cash flow, okay? I want ten grand from you. You understand me?”

Yes.

“If you understand, then say you will give me ten grand.”

Deanna was calling me from the kitchen. “Do you want some chicken soup?”

“I’ll get it for you,” I said.

“You’ll get what for me?”

“I’ll get you the ten thousand.”

“Great. Thank you. Hated to ask you and all, but you know how it is.”

“Where?”

“I’ll call you again, okay, Charles?”

“Can you please call at the office? Can you — ”

“Nah. I like calling here. I’ll call you back here, okay, Charles?”

Click.

FOURTEEN

I met Lucinda at the fountain on 51st and Sixth.

When I called and told her what Vasquez wanted, she’d lapsed into silence and then asked to meet me there.

I’d been sitting there ten minutes when I saw her cross 51st Street.

I stood up and began to raise my hand in greeting. But I stopped — she was with another man. She continued toward me, and for a moment I was caught between sitting down and standing up, between saying hi and saying nothing. I sat back down; something made me lie low.

I stayed seated right there on the rim of the fountain as Lucinda and the man walked right by me without a glance.

The man was dressed in a respectable blue suit and recently shined shoes. Fiftyish, hair just beginning to thin, lips pursed in thought. Lucinda looked almost normal again, I thought, which was to say gorgeous, if you didn’t look too closely. If you didn’t peer intently at the faint rings under her eyes — not like the rings under mine, which resembled football black, but undeniably there. A woman who looked as though she hadn’t slept much lately, who’s tossed and turned despite the two Valiums and glass of wine.

She seemed to be speaking to the man, but whatever she was saying was swallowed up by a cacophony of New York clatter — car horns, bicycle bells, piped music, bus engines. They passed within five feet of me and I couldn’t hear a word.

I waited as they headed for a side street. I was surrounded by the usual mix of tourists with craned necks, afternoon smokers puffing away with undisguised desperation, and the odd street person mumbling to himself.

I stared at the Christmas decorations on Radio City Music Hall across the street. “Spectacular Christmas Show,” it said, the entire marquee wreathed in holly. A sidewalk Santa was ringing a bell by the front doors and shouting, “Merry Christmas, everyone!” Here by the fountain it was cold and raw.

I waited five, then ten minutes.

Then I saw Lucinda coming back, hurrying around the corner and staring straight at me. So. She’d seen me after all.

“Thank you,” she said.

“You’re welcome. For what?”

“For not saying hello. For not saying anything. That was my husband.”

That was my husband. The golfer. The one who would never know.

“Oh,” I said.

“He surprised me at the office. With flowers. He insisted on taking the cab uptown with me. Sorry.”

“That’s okay. How have you been?”

“Just terrific. Couldn’t be better.” The tone of her voice suggested that I was kind of stupid for asking her that, like one of those TV reporters at a scene of unimaginable tragedy asking the victim’s remaining family how they’re feeling these days.

“Has he called you again?” she asked me.

“Not since he asked for ten thousand dollars. No.”

“And?” she said. “Are you going to give it to him?”

“Yes.”

She looked down at her hands. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” And I didn't want her to mention it, either. Because every time I mentioned it, it became realer, something that was going to actually take place.

“Look,” she said, “I have one thousand dollars here. A little account my husband doesn’t know about.” She reached into her pocketbook.

“It’s okay,” I said. “Forget it.”

“Take it,” she said as if she were trying to pay for the Milk Duds and soda and I was insisting on being old-fashioned about it and covering the entire date.

“No. I’ll take care of it.”

“Here,” she said, and forced ten hundred-dollar bills into my hand. After a brief tug-of-war, I gave up. I put the money into my pocket.

Then she said: “Do you think it’s going to stop here?”

Which was the real question, of course. Would it stop here, or would it not?

“I don’t know, Lucinda.”

She nodded and sighed. “What if it doesn't? What if he asks for more money? Then what?”

“Then I still don’t know." Then we’re doomed, Lucinda.

“How did it happen, Charles?” she said, so softly that at first I wasn’t sure I’d heard her.

“What?”

“How did it happen? How? Sometimes I think I dreamed it. It seems impossible, doesn’t it? That it actually happened to us? Us? Sometimes . . .”

She dabbed at her eyes—they’d turned liquid, and I thought how her eyes were the second thing I’d noticed that morning on the train. First her thighs, maybe, then her eyes. I’d seen a tenderness in them, and I’d said: Yes, I could use that. I need that now.

“Maybe that’s the way you should think of it,” I said. “A bad dream.”

“But it wasn’t. So that’s stupid.”

“Yes. That’s stupid.”

“If he found out, it would kill him,” she said.

Her husband — she was talking about her husband again.

“If he found out, he’d kill me. ”

“He won’t find out.” We were in this together, I was assuring her. We may have cheated on our spouses, but we wouldn’t on each other.

“What did you say to your wife?” she asked me. “About your nose?”

“I fell.”

“Yes,” she said, as if that were what she’d have thought of, too.

“Look, I wanted to tell you . . .” Tell her what, exactly? That I’d failed her, I suppose, that I’d failed her, but I wouldn’t fail her again.

“Yes?”

“I should’ve . . . you know, stopped him.”

“Yes.”

“I tried. Not hard enough.”

“He had a gun,” she said.

Yes, he had a gun. He had a gun he sometimes pointed at me and sometimes didn’t. While he was raping her — he didn’t. The gun was there on the floor, three feet from me, maybe, that’s all.

“Forget about it,” she said. But I could tell she didn’t mean it—that she did think I should’ve tried harder, that I should’ve saved her. And I remembered how I’d defended her in the bar that night and how she’d kissed me afterward for it. Bar bullies are one thing, of course, and armed rapists are another.

“I don’t think we should talk to each other again, Charles,” she said. “Good-bye.”

FIFTEEN

They called it Alphabet City because it stretched from Avenue A to D in lower Manhattan. It used to be the stomping ground for Hispanic gangs, till it was invaded by an artsy crowd and became both dangerous and hip. Bodegas and galleries coexisted side by side, serving empanadas and op art.

I hadn’t been down here since I was in my early twenties. I vaguely remembered a cab ride to no particular destination that had ended here — seven of us stuffed in one cab looking for a good time. I couldn’t remember how the night ended.

Today I wasn’t looking for a good time.

I was looking for Vasquez.

Deanna had picked up the phone when he called. How are you, Mrs. Schine? he’d said to her. She’d looked just a little puzzled when she’d handed it over to me.

Business call, I'd told her later.

Vasquez had asked me if I had the money: yes. He’d asked me if I was still being a good boy (translation — no police): yes. He’d told me to meet him here in Alphabet City.

When Deanna left the room, I told him it was ten thousand and no more, did he understand? This was it.

Vasquez said sure thing, bro.

The corner of Avenue C and 8th at eleven in the morning was an accurate reflection of the neighborhood. Five Latino kids were killing time on the hood of a high-rider while a street artist was putting up a sign offering henna tattoos. No Vasquez yet.

A black man bumped into me.

“Why the fuck you don’t look where you going?” he said.

I hadn’t been going anywhere, of course; I’d been pretty much just standing there. “Sorry,” I said anyway.

“Sorry, huh?” The man was bigger than me, approximately the size of a typical SUV.

“Yes,” I said.

“What if sorry ain’t good enough?”

“Look, I didn’t see you. . . .”

The man laughed.

“That’s okay,” he said. “That’s fine. Charles, huh?”

He knew my name — the man who’d accused me of not looking where I was going knew my name.

“Charles,” he said again. “Right?”

“Who are you?”

“Didn’t I just ask you a question? You Charles or not Charles?”

“Yes, I’m Charles.”

“They call you Chuck? If you were my crimey, that’s what we’d call you.”

“No.”Chuck, Chuck, bo buck, banana fana fo fuck . . . A song other kids in the neighborhood used to have a lot of fun with when I was eight. “Where’s Vasquez?” I asked him.

“I’m gonna bring you to him. What the fuck you think I’m here for?”

I didn’t want to be brought to him.

“Why don’t I give you the money and — ”

“You ain’t givin’ me nothin’, understand? We’re gonna take a little walk.”

“How far?”

“How far?" imitating me. “Just up the street.”

He started walking, looking back to make sure I was following him, and I remembered how I used to do the same thing when Anna was small, walking with her but not with her, making sure she wouldn’t wander off in a dangerous direction. Only I was already going in a dangerous direction.

When we passed an alley between two renovated tenements, the man stopped and waited for me, then began steering me into the narrow passageway. I tried to stand my ground, until the man’s grip threatened to crush my arm and I gave up.

He threw me up against the wall. This is what happens in alleys, isn’t it, I thought: beatings and stabbings and robberies. Sometimes in hotel rooms, but mostly in alleys. I waited for the inevitable, which was going to be swift and brutal and complete.

Only the beating never came.

“Let’s see here,” the man said. And he groped me instead, running his hands up and down my legs, chest, and back. He was patting me down.

“No fuckin’ wire on you, Charles, that’s good. . . .”

“I told him I didn’t go to the police.”

“Yeah. And he believes you.”

“Look, I really need to get back,” I said, hearing the panic in my own voice and trying to inch away from the wall.

“Come on,” he said, “just over here. . . .”

I’d gone just over here when I first sat down next to Lucinda, and then just over a little more when I took her to the Fairfax Hotel, and now I was being asked to go just over here again, when all I really wanted to do was go back to that place called yesterday.

I followed the man out the other side of the alley and down a block that smelled of sauerkraut and pomade. We passed a hair salon specializing in dreadlocks and hair tattoos. The man took a left into the vestibule of a partially renovated tenement.

He buzzed a name and was buzzed back.

“Come on,” he said, holding the scratched glass door open for me. Come on again. I was taking orders these days, a new recruit in the army of the morally dispossessed. Aware that I was treading deeper into enemy territory with each and every step, but not at liberty to refuse. In this army, deserters were subject to possible execution.

Vasquez was in an apartment on the first floor. He was there, just behind the door when it opened and let us in.

I flinched when Vasquez put out his hand. I’d seen that hand do other things — to Lucinda and me. But Vasquez wasn’t looking for a handshake.

“Money,” he said.

He was dressed in do-rag chic — low-slung pants with a hint of Calvin Klein peeking out of the waistband — a ratty green sweater hanging off his shoulders. I was getting my first good look at him. And I was surprised how different he appeared from what I’d remembered, at least in the overall impression. He seemed less physically imposing, thinner and distinctly bonier. And I wondered how many criminals had gone to the chair on erroneous eyewitness testimony — plenty, probably, it being hard to get a fix on someone when he’s beating your brains in or raping your girlfriend.

I handed over the ten thousand dollars in crisp hundred-dollar bills. Feeling as if I were making another domestic purchase — a washing machine, a big-screen TV for the den, patio furniture — only this domestic purchase, of course, purchasing domesticity itself. Five thousand for Anna and five thousand for Deanna. No money-back guarantee, either. A strictly good-faith purchase when there wasn’t any.

“Nine thousand nine hundred. . .” Vasquez diligently counted to the last bill, then looked up at me with that awful smile, the one I remembered from the hotel room.

“Almost forgot,” he said, and punched me in the stomach.

I went down.

I couldn’t breathe; I began to claw the air for breath.

“That’s for canceling your cards, Charles. It was kind of inconvenient for me, seeing as how I was in the middle of buying something.”

The other man thought the whole thing was funny — he started laughing.

Then Vasquez said: “We’ll be leaving now, Charles.”

It took me five minutes to breathe normally again, then another five minutes to actually get up, using the wall as support. The five minutes I spent on the floor trying to breathe was spent crying, too, partially from the punch to my solar plexus and partially from the realization of where I was.

Down on the floor next to a roach-infested container of two-day-old Chinese takeout.

SIXTEEN

I stayed late at the office the next day.

I was feeling kind of jumpy and ashamed at home these days — not in any particular order. Every time I looked at Anna, I’d think about the ten thousand dollars I’d robbed from her fund; and every time the phone rang, I suffered through that interminable pause before someone actually answered it — imagining actual dialogue that always ended with Deanna tromping into the bedroom or den or basement to accuse me of ruining her life and killing our daughter.

I preferred that moment happen over the phone — seeing that I couldn’t imagine actually having to look her in the eyes as she recited my litany of crimes. In the office I could shut the door and turn off the lights and stare at my reflection in the computer screen, which was stuck in perpetual sleep state — which was the state I wished I could somehow place myself. I could think about ridding myself of this awful thing that threatened to derail my life. At home I could only suffer its consequences.

At the moment, I was trying to look up the T&D Music House.

I wanted to call them tomorrow about the track for the aspirin spot. Something emotional without being maudlin. Something that might disguise the banal dialogue and wooden delivery of the actors.

I couldn’t find a listing for them, though. T&D — wasn’t that what Frankel had said? Or was it some other letters? No — I was pretty sure it was T&D.

Maybe the postproduction guide I was using was out-of-date. Maybe —

I heard a loud bump.

It was past eight, and the custodial staff had already finished their rounds. I was fairly certain nobody was burning the midnight oil but me.

I heard it again.

A kind of scraping now, a few clinks, a thud. Someone next door — Tim Ward’s office, and I’d seen Tim with my very own eyes sprinting off for the 6:38 to Westchester.

Then something else.

Someone was whistling “My Girl.” Temptations, 1965.

Maybe it was a member of the custodial staff after all — some piece of unfinished cleaning up that needed to be taken care of while the office slept — custodians, like a shoemaker’s elves, appearing mostly at night to magically leave behind the fruits of their labor. A new carpet, freshly painted walls, a renovated air-conditioning system. Sure, it was just one of the elves.

Clink. Thud. Boom.

I stood up from my chair and walked across my paper-strewn carpet to see. When I opened the door, the noise stopped. So did the whistling. I thought I heard a sharp intake of breath.

There was a light on in Tim Ward’s office—the desk light, I guessed; a cool yellow was radiating through the glazed glass like sunlight caught behind morning fog. For a moment, I was unsure what to do. You don't have to do anything when you hear someone whistling late at night from the office next door. You can, but you don’t have to.

I opened the door to Tim’s office anyway.

Someone was doing something to Tim’s computer — an Apple G4, same as mine.

“Hello,” said Winston Boyko. “I’m fixing it.”

Only Winston didn’t seem to be fixing it.

He seemed to be stealing it.

“Tim said it was flickering on and off,” he said, but he looked flushed and his voice was unsteady. The computer was connected to the wall with a thin steel cable Winston must’ve been in the process of cutting. I figured this out because Winston had what looked like a wire cutter in his hand.

“Tim asked you to fix it?” I said.

“Yeah. I’m pretty good with computers, didn’t you know that?”

No, I didn’t.

“We’ve got a computer department, Winston. To fix computers.”

“Well, what do you know? Guess I don’t have to, then.”

“Winston?”

“Yes?”

“Tim didn’t ask you to fix his computer,” I said.

“Not in so many words. No.”

“You don’t know anything about computers, do you?”

“Sure I do.”

“Winston . . .”

“I know how much they sell for.” And then he shrugged. Okay, the charade is up, he was saying. Can't blame a guy for trying.

“Why are you stealing computers, Winston?” Maybe that was an odd question to be asking the person stealing it. After all, why does anyone steal anything? To make money, of course. But why Winston—the human baseball encyclopedia and all-around agreeable guy. Why him?

“I don’t know. Seemed like the right thing to do at the time.”

“Jesus . . . Winston . . .”

“You know what a G4 sells for? I’ll tell you. Three thousand used. How about them Apples? ”

“It happens to be illegal.”

“Yeah — you got me there.”

“And I saw you stealing it. What am I supposed to do?”

“Tell me not to do it again?”

“Winston . . . I’m not sure you — ”

“Look. I didn’t steal it, right? See — the computer’s still here. No harm done.”

“This is the first time?”

“Sure.”

But now I remembered hearing something about missing computers. That’s why they’d fastened them to the wall with steel wires in the first place, wasn’t it?

“Look,” Winston said. “It would really be inconvenient for me if you said anything.”

And for the first time, I felt a little uncomfortable. A little nervous. This was Winston here—my baseball trivia partner and mailroom buddy. But this was also a thief, standing here late at night with no one else around, with a wire cutter in his hand. I wondered what kind of weapon it’d make and decided probably a good one.

“So can we just forget about it? Okay, Charles? Promise I won’t do it again.”

“Can I think for a second?”

“Sure.” Then, after that second went by, and then another one: “Tell you what,” Winston said. “I’ll tell you why it would kind of fuck me over. Aside from getting fired from this job, of course, which wouldn’t be the biggest deal in the world, relatively speaking. I’ll be honest with you, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Here’s the deal.” He sat on Tim’s chair. “Sit down, you look like you’re going to jump through a window.”

I sat down.

“The thing is . . . ,” Winston said.

SEVENTEEN

Daddy . . .”

The word you almost never tire of hearing during the day, becoming the word you dread waking to in the middle of the night. It came like a fire alarm in a pitch-black movie theater, and right in the middle of the film, the current feature a kind of domestic drama involving me and Deanna and a woman with green eyes.

“Daddy!”

I heard it again, and this time I woke up for good and nearly fell off the bed.

Memories of other nights like this clamored for my undivided attention even as I tried to deflect them, to concentrate on the physical act of standing up and running barefoot across a dark and frigid hall.

To Anna’s room.

I flipped on the lights even as I entered it — one hand pressed against the switch, the other already reaching out for her. Even with my eyes squinting from the sudden brightness, I could see that Anna looked exceptionally and spookily weird. She was, I was fairly certain, smack in the middle of hypoglycemic shock.

Her eyes were rolled back, to that part of her brain that was reeling from lack of sugar, her body caught in one unending stutter. When I put my arms around her, it was like holding on to a frightened puppy, all shake and quiver. Only if Anna was frightened, she was incapable of telling me.

When I shouted at her, she refused to shout back. When I shook her head and whispered into her ear, when I slapped her gently — no response.

I’d been told what to do when this happened. I’d been prepped and trained and reminded and warned. I just couldn’t remember a word of it.

I knew there was a syringe sitting in a fire-engine-red plastic case. I thought the case was downstairs in a kitchen cabinet. I believed that the case needed to be opened and the syringe filled with a brown powder that was also in the case. And water — some amount of water was to be added.

These things were flying through my mind like a dyslexic sentence I couldn’t quite grasp. I caught the general drift, though, which was horrifying and merciless.

My daughter was dying.

Suddenly Deanna was right behind me.

“The shot,” I said to her, or possibly yelled.

But she already had it in her hand. I felt a momentary surge of pure love for her, this woman I’d married and created Anna with, even in the midst of terror feeling like falling to my knees and hugging her. She opened the case for me, calmly plucked out the syringe, and studied the bold-lettered directions on the way into Anna’s bathroom. I cradled Anna in my lap, whispering that it would be okay, Anna, yes, it would, you'll be fine, Anna, yes, my darling, as I heard the water running in there. Then Deanna was back out, shaking the syringe in her hand.

“Deep,” Deanna said, handing the shot to me. “Past the fat into the muscle.”

I’d dreaded this moment—had imagined over and over what it’d be like. When they’d first trained me on the fine art of insulin giving, pricking thin quarter-inch needles just into the fatty tissue on hip, arm, and buttock—they’d also mentioned this. That eventually there would come a moment when I’d probably have to use it. Not every parent had to, but given that Anna had an especially virulent case and given that Anna had gotten it so young . . . This needle not a quarter inch long, more like four inches, and thick enough to make you turn your eyes away. Because it had to get its pure sugar mix into the brain cells fast enough to keep them from starving.

This syringe was in my hand now, only my hand was quivering as much as Anna was, because it was like stabbing her, even if it was with the gift of life. I placed it by her upper arm, but since we both were shaking, I was afraid to push it in, afraid I’d miss and blunt the needle, waste the liquid.

“Here — ” Deanna took the needle from me.

She put it against Anna’s hip, hand steady, and stuck it all the way in. Then she slowly pushed the plunger down till all the brown liquid was gone.

It was almost instantaneous.

One minute my daughter was lost. Then suddenly her eyes rolled back into focus, and her body gently quieted and settled back onto the bed.

And she cried.

Anna cried, worse even than the morning she was diagnosed and we told her more or less what was in store for her. Worse than that.

“Daddy . . . oh Daddy . . . oh Daddy . . .”

So I cried, too.

EIGHTEEN

Hello, Charles.”

It was 10:15 Wednesday night. I was sitting in the den, where I’d been standing guard over the telephone. It was unnerving — every time it rang I’d pick it up and wait to see who’d say hello. The fastest answering machine in the West — one ring and it was sitting in my hand. I knew he’d be calling; I didn’t want Deanna picking it up first.

“Why were you outside my house? ” I said.

“Was that me?”

“I’m asking you what you were doing here.”

“Must have been taking a walk.”

“What do you want? What?”

“What do you want?”

Okay, I was a little taken aback — this answering a question with a question.

“What do I want?”

“That’s right. You tell me.”

Well. For one thing, I wanted Vasquez to stop coming by my house. For another thing, I wanted him to stop calling my house. That would be nice.

“I want you to leave me alone,” I said.

“Okay.”

“I’m not clear what you mean. . . .”

“Something about okay you don’t understand? You said you want me to leave you alone, I said okay.”

“Great,” I said, stupidly letting some vague tenor of hope enter my voice, even though I knew, I knew—

“Just give me some more money.”

More money.

“I gave you money,” I said. “I told you — ”

“That was then. This is now.”

“No.” The till was empty, the cupboard bare. I’d taken once from Anna’s Fund. No more.

“You fucking stupid?”

Yes. Probably.

“I don’t have any more money for you,” I said.

“Look,Charles. Pay attention. We both know you got the money. We both know you’re gonna give it to me, ’cause we both know what’s gonna happen if you don’t.”

No, I didn’t know. But I could guess.

So I asked him how much he was talking about. Even though I didn’t really care how much he was talking about, because it was already too much.

And Vasquez said: “Hundred thou.”

I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was.

That was inflation for you—ten thousand to a hundred thousand in the blink of an eye. But then—how much is a life worth, exactly? Are three lives worth? What is the going rate for a wife and daughter these days? For being able to look them in the eye without seeing disgust staring back? Maybe a hundred thousand was cheap. Maybe I was getting a bargain here.

“I’m waiting,” Vasquez said.

He would have to keep on waiting. It was a bargain I simply couldn’t afford.

Besides, it was never going to stop here anyway. Wasn’t that the point of blackmail? Wasn’t it governed by its own immutable laws, like the universe itself, and, just like the universe, never ending? Vasquez might say it would stop, but Vasquez was lying. It would stop only when I stopped Vasquez. A simple truth even an idiot could understand—even someone fucking stupid could grasp that. Only I couldn’t stop Vasquez — I didn’t know how. Other than to say no and take my chances.

“I don’t have it,” I said.

And hung up the phone.

NINETEEN

When I disembarked at Merrick station I called Deanna to pick me up. I thought about walking, but a steady wind was whipping in from the ocean and I was nearly blown back into the train when I stepped off onto the platform.

But when Deanna answered the phone, she asked me if I could wait ten minutes. The chimney guy I’d hired was there, and she didn’t want to leave him alone in the house with Anna.

So I told her I’d walk after all.

Christmastime had turned what was generally a quiet and reserved residential street into something akin to the Vegas strip. All those flashing lights. All those plastic reindeer pulling plastic Santas on their plastic sleighs. A plastic manger or two. Several stars of Bethlehem precariously perched on once stately arborvitaes.

I pulled in gulps of air that felt strangely heavy and saturated with moisture as I walked past and took in the show.

And then, suddenly, rescue.

A car horn beeped, then beeped again.

I turned and saw my neighbor’s Lexus purring by the side of the curb.

I walked up to the passenger door as my neighbor Joe cracked open the window.

“Hop in,” he said.

You didn’t have to ask me twice. I opened the door and slid into a kind of primal warmth — what the first cavemen must have felt when they created those first licks of flame and finally, miraculously, stopped shivering.

“Thanks,” I said.

“Cold out there, huh?” said Joe, who was nothing if not observant.

“Yes.”

Joe was a chiropractor, which either was or wasn’t a legitimate profession. No one had ever been able to explain it to my satisfaction.

“How’s the kid?” Joe asked.

“Okay,” I answered, thinking I sounded like Anna now. One-word answers to any question. “And yours?” Joe had three children spaced a year apart, including a girl around Anna’s age who was academically oriented, athletically gifted, and disgustingly healthy.

Joe said they were fine.

“How’s things at the office?” he asked me.

“Fine.” People politely asked you things that they didn’t actually want answers to, I thought—but what if I did answer him? What if I said, Glad you asked, Joe, then gave him an earful about Eliot and Ellen Weischler.I was fired off the account I worked on for ten years, and now they have me working on a shit account that no one cares about. And while I was at it, I could fill him in on Vasquez and Lucinda, too. What would he say then?

But instead I said: “How are things with you?”

“People always have bad backs,” Joe said.

Even after they’ve gone to you for treatment, I felt like saying. But didn’t.

“Doing anything for the holidays?” Joe asked me. We were stopped at a traffic light that was generally acknowledged to be the slowest traffic light in Merrick. Whole days would pass and this traffic light would stay red. Kingdoms rose and fell, presidential administrations came and went, and the light obstinately refused to change.

“No. Going over to Deanna’s mom like we do every year.”

“Uh-huh.”

Then after I asked Joe the same thing, and Joe told me he was going down to Florida for a few days, the car went quiet as we both realized that was pretty much it — we’d run out of small talk.

“Boy, it’s cold,” Joe finally said, repeating his comment from earlier in the ride.

“Go through the light, Joe,” I said.

“What?”

“Go through the light." Something had just come to me.

“Why should I — ”

Deanna had asked me to wait at the station. Because the chimney cleaner I’d hired was there and she didn’t want to leave him alone in the house.

“Go through the fucking light. ”

I hadn’t hired a chimney cleaner.

“Look, Charles, I don’t want to get a ticket and I don’t see what the big rush is — ”

“Go!”

So Joe did. The evident panic in my voice finally spurred Joe into action; he gunned the engine and went right through the traffic light, swinging into Kirkwood Road just two blocks from our homes.

“If I got a ticket, you’d pay it,” Joe said, trying to regain a little of his dignity now that he’d blindly obeyed his neighbor for no good reason. What did I mean, coming off like that, ordering him around?

“Stop here,” I said.

Joe had obviously intended to steer the car into his own driveway and let me walk next door. But I couldn’t wait. For the second time in two minutes, Joe did as he was told. He stopped the car in front of 1823 Yale and I jumped out.

When I flung open my front door, I saw Deanna leaning against the banister, in the middle of telling someone that Curry didn’t like everyone this way, that he was selective with his affections.

And then the person she was telling this to.

TWENTY

I was looking over the bid for the aspirin job.

Think of this as a kind of avoidance therapy. If I was looking over the bid for the aspirin job, I couldn’t be asking myself

What was I going to do? How was I going to survive this?

So that’s what I was doing.

Meticulously going over that aspirin bid; something was wrong with it, but I didn’t know what. What was wrong with it?

This avoidance strategy was only partially successful.

In the middle of scanning down a line of neatly typed-in figures, I saw Vasquez with his hand on my daughter’s head.

If he didn’t get one hundred thousand dollars, he would be coming back.

I thought about telling Deanna.

But as much as I tried to say, She will forgive me, she will. As much as I told myself that Deanna loved me, and wouldn’t that love survive an indiscretion? As many times as I postulated the theory that every marriage has its ups and downs and that okay, this down might be subterranean, but wouldn’t it naturally be followed, after much anguish and restitution, by another upswing? As much as I rationalized, ruminated, debated, and what have you — I couldn’t quite convince myself that I could for one minute withstand that look in Deanna’s eyes. The one that would inexorably come immediately after she found out what I’d been up to.

I’d seen that look before. I’d seen it the morning they’d diagnosed Anna in the emergency room. The look of being utterly and hopelessly betrayed. I’d had to stare it full in the face as the news slowly sank in and she’d fastened on to me like a swimmer being pulled off by an undertow.

I didn’t think I could bear to see it again.

Back to the sheet in front of me. It listed every expense associated with the commercial.

Director’s fee, for instance. Fifteen thousand dollars day rate. Which was about average for a B director, A directors being somewhere up at twenty or twenty-five. Then there was set construction. Forty-five thousand — pretty much the going rate for one suburban kitchen on a New York stage set.

All these thousand dollars reminding me of the thousands I myself didn’t have. Why was I looking at this estimate, anyway? There was something wrong with it. What, exactly? I didn’t know.

There was editing. Film-to-tape transfer. Color correction. Voice-over costs. And there was music. Yes, T&D Music House; that was the name all right. Forty-five thousand dollars. Full orchestra, studio record, mix. Seemed okay.

I called David Frankel.

“Yep,” David answered.

“It’s Charles.”

“I know. It says your extension on my phone.”

“Right. I’ve been trying to call the music house, but I can’t seem to find the number.”

“Whatmusic house?”

“T and D Music.”

“Oh. What are you calling them for?”

“What am I calling them for? I wanted to talk to them about the spot.”

“Why don’t you talk to me about the spot. I’m the producer of the spot.”

“I’ve never heard of T and D Music,” I said.

“You’ve never heard of T and D Music.”

“No.”

“Why are we having this conversation, exactly?” David sighed. “Did you talk to Tom?”

“You mean ever?”

“Look, what do you want the music to be? Just tell me.”

“I’d rather talk to the scorer.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I want to convey my feelings directly.”

“Okay, fine.”

“Okay, fine, what? ”

“Convey your feelings directly. Go ahead.”

“I need their number. ”

Another sigh now, the kind of sigh that said he was dealing with an idiot here, a complete and utter moron.

“I’ll get back to you on that,” David said.

I was going to ask why David needed to get back to me since all I was asking for was a number. I was going to ask him why he was acting as if I were brain-damaged. I was going to remind him that a producer’s job was to produce, and sometimes that meant producing something as simple as a phone number.

But David hung up.

It was only then, as I heard that familiar question whispering in my ear again — What are you going to do, huh, Charles? — that I realized I was a little brain-damaged after all. That I’d been a little slow on the uptake here.

T&D Music House.

Tom and David.

Tom and David Music House. Of course.

TWENTY-ONE

On Christmas Eve I got drunk.

The problem was my mother-in-law’s special eggnog, the special part being that it was two-thirds rum.

“Come to Daddy,” I said to Anna after I’d finished one and a half of them, but she didn’t seem to like that idea.

“You look dopey,” she said to me.

“Are you drunk, Charles?” Deanna asked me.

“Of course not.”

Mrs. Williams had an upright piano that must’ve been seventy years old. Deanna had taken lessons on it until she’d mutinied at ten years old and said enough. No more “Heart and Soul” and “Für Elise.” Mrs. Williams had never quite forgiven her for that; her punishment was having to bang out Christmas songs on the piano we were all forced to sing to. “Hark the Herald Angels Sing,” for instance. Neither Deanna nor I was particularly religious, but there are no atheists in foxholes. I belted out, “God and sinners reconcile . . .” as though my life depended on it, my syncopation slightly askew, as I was already into my third eggnog.

“You are drunk, Daddy,” Anna said dourly. She liked singing songs with Grandma about as much as she liked giving herself shots.

“Don’t talk to your father like that,” Deanna said, stopping in midchord. Deanna, my defender and protectress.

“I’m not drunk — both of you,” I said. “Want to see me walk a straight line?”

Apparently not.

Instead Anna snorted and said: “Do we have to sing these stupid songs?”

“. . . . in Bethlehem,” I sang, focusing on the Christmas star on top of the tree. It was faded from years of use, no longer sparkling the way it’d been when Anna needed to be held up in my arms during the Christmas sing-alongs to see it. A tarnished star now; you could see that it wasn’t a star at all — just papier-mâché pockmarked with glue.

“Well, that was fun,” Mrs. Williams said when we finished. Then when no one answered her, “Wasn’t it?”

“Yep,” I said. “Let’s sing another.”

“Get bent,” Anna said.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means no, ” Deanna said.

“That’s what I thought it meant,” I said. “Just checking.”

“No more eggnog for you,” Mrs. Williams said.

“But I love your eggnog.”

“I think you love it too much. Who’s going to drive home?”

“I will,” Deanna said.

“When are we going?” Anna asked.

After dinner, we opened Mrs. Williams’s presents. Anna would get hers tomorrow morning: two new CDs, including one by Eminem. Two tops from Banana Republic. And a cell phone. These days if you didn’t have a phone of your own, you were some kind of dweeb. After all, you never knew whom you’d need to call: a girlfriend, a boyfriend, an ambulance.

Mrs. Williams received a lovely new sweater from Saks. She dutifully thanked us all — even me, who of course had no idea what was going to come out of the box.

“I’d like to propose a toast,” I said.

“I took away your eggnog,” Deanna said.

“I know. That’s why I want to propose a toast.”

“Geez, Charles, what’s gotten into you?”

“I know what’s gotten into him,” Mrs. Williams said. “My eggnog.”

“Damn fine eggnog, too,” I complimented her.

“Charles.” Deanna looked mad.

Anna giggled and said: “Oh my, Daddy said ‘damn.’ Call the police.”

“No,” I said. “No police. Not a good idea.”

“Huh?”

“Just kidding.”

Mrs. Williams had put up some coffee. “Coffee, anyone?” she asked.

“I’m sure Charles would love some,” Deanna said. As it happened, I wouldn’t have loved some. It was clearly a plot; they were trying to sober me up.

Meanwhile Anna was whispering to Deanna. Something about getting off her back. “I’m behaving fine,” I heard her say.

I’d sunk into the living room couch and was wondering if I’d be able to get up when the time came to leave.

“How’s your nose, Charles?” Mrs. Williams asked me.

“Still there,” I said, and touched it for her. “See?”

“Oh, Charles . . .”

Mrs. Williams had put on the TV station with the yuletide log. I stared into the flames and started to drift. It felt warm and pleasant. Until I began drifting into dangerous waters and it became unpleasant. That frozen street corner in the city.

The Charles that was all liquored up with the holiday spirit was screaming at me not to think about it.

But I couldn’t help it.

I don’t want a pretzel, I'd started to say. Remember?

I’d wanted something else.

TWENTY-TWO

I called Tom Mooney and told him I wanted to talk to him about something.

About music production.

It was the three-day work week between Christmas and New Year’s. The time of year when people attempt to put their affairs in order and make a New Year’s resolution or two. To lose those few extra pounds, for instance. I was formulating a weight-loss plan of my own. I had approximately one hundred and eighty extra pounds sitting on my neck. I needed to get rid of it.

Tom showed up five minutes early and made an elaborate show of taking off his coat and closing the door.

“Okay,” Tom said when he sat down, “so what do you want to talk about?”

“Kickbacks,” I said.

But maybe I’d been too blunt, because Mooney suddenly edged back in his chair. Was it possible there was a kind of code you were supposed to use for these things, a language of men in the know?

“Kickbacks — what’s that?” Tom said. “Are we in the Teamsters or something? The last time I looked, we shoot commercials.”

“T and D Music,” I said. “So you also write songs.”

“Hey, we’re a full-service production company. Whatever it takes.”

“And that’s what it takes?”

“Have you seen Robert’s reel lately?” He was trying to be funny, I guess, because he seemed to be waiting for me to laugh.

I didn’t feel like laughing today.

“How long has this been going on?” I asked. “You and David?”

“Look, Chaz. Did you call me over here for an interrogation? Because maybe I missed something when you called me. I thought you called me over here for another reason. Correct me if I’m wrong.”

I blushed. Maybe there was another language, or maybe I knew the language but was incapable of speaking it. First with Winston in the bar and now here. I had called Mooney over here for another reason, not to condemn him, not even to sweat all the dirty little details out of him. Just to put out my hand and say, Count me in.

So maybe it was time I dropped the air of moral superiority — that’s what Tom was saying. And what’s more, he was right.

“Twenty thousand,” I said.

Kind of amazed that the words had actually made it all the way out of my mouth. Twenty thousand as a bald statement of fact — no equivocation, no rising consonant lilting into a plea. Twenty thousand — for the ten I owed Winston and the ten I’d already given out. And I wondered if this was the way it was done — or if I’d been expected to slide a scrap of paper across the table with the figure scrawled in pencil.

But Tom smiled again—the kind of smile that says, You are one of us, aren’t you.

I felt a bit queasy—but less than I expected. Was this how it happened? Losing yourself a little at a time until suddenly there was no you there anymore? Someone who used your name, slept with your wife, hugged your kid, but wasn’t actually you anymore?

“Hey,” Tom said. “I told you I was Santa Claus, didn’t I?”

TWENTY-THREE

Under the West Side Highway.

One week into the new year.

I was sitting next to Winston in a rented metallic blue Sable with leather seats. Winston had his eyes closed.

I could see a lone tugboat chugging its way up a Hudson River so black, it was as if it weren’t there. Just an empty black space where the river ought to be. It was cold and sleeting; thin slivers of glass were exploding onto my face through the open window.

I was shivering.

I was trying not to think about something. I was trying to stay calm.

There was a hooker standing on the corner across the street. She’d been standing there ever since I entered the car.

I was looking at her and wondering where her customers were.

A fair question, since it was only a little past ten, and she was wearing a sheer red negligee and shiny black boots. She’d been dropped off by a Jeep with New Jersey license plates and was waiting for some other car with New Jersey license plates to come along. But it had been ten minutes and she was still stuck out there in the sleet. Doing nothing much but looking across the street at the blue Sable, which didn’t seem to be moving, either.

She looked as if she were freezing. She had a small fake fur wrap around her shoulders, but other than that nothing, lots of pasty white flesh out there where her customers could see it and put a price tag on it.

But where were her customers?

The insurance salesman from Teaneck, the broker from Piscataway, the truck driver on his way to the Lincoln Tunnel?

I was under the West Side Highway because that’s where Vasquez had told me to meet him.

Do you have the money? he'd asked me.

Yes, I did.

You’ll meet me ten o’clock at Thirty-seventh and the river.

Yes, I would.

You’ll tell nobody — understand?

Yes, I did. (Well, maybe just one other person.)

You’ll show up alone.

Yes, I would. (Well, maybe not exactly alone.)

How long had the hooker been standing there without a customer? I thought again. How long, exactly?

Then she began to walk over to me.

In the middle of the street now, closer to me than away from me, so I knew that she wouldn’t be turning back. Her boot heels echoing as she made a beeline for the blue Sable that had been sitting there all this time without moving an inch.

“Want a date?” she asked me when she reached my window. I could see actual goose bumps on her breasts and legs, because her breasts were only half-hidden by the red negligee and her legs were naked save for those calf-length boots.

No, I didn’t want a date. I wanted her to leave.

“No.”

“Uh-huh,” she said. Her face was young but old, so it was practically impossible to tell her age. Anywhere from twenty to thirty-five. “You got a cigarette?”

“No.”

But there was a pack of cigarettes sitting on the seat between Winston and me — Winston’s cigarettes. She could clearly see them there, one or two cigarettes even peeking out of the torn wrapper.

“So what are those? ” she asked me.

“Wait a minute,” I said. I reached for the pack, but when I picked it up I got a piece of Winston’s brain matter on my hand — the pack was smeared with it. I pulled one cigarette out anyway and handed it to her through the window.

“Thanks,” she said, but she didn’t sound as though she meant it.

Then she asked me for a light.

“I don’t have one.”

“What about him?” She meant Winston, who still had his eyes closed.

“No,” I said.

“Maybehe wants a date?”

“I don’t think so.”

“What’s wrong with him? He drunk?”

“Yes, he’s drunk. Look, I gave you a cigarette, so . . .”

“What good’s a cigarette without a light? What am I supposed to do — eat it?”

“We don’t have a light, okay?”

I saw the reflection first — a flickering puddle of red in the middle of the street and then the sound of tires crunching glass.

A police cruiser.

“Get out of here,” I told her.

“What?”

“Look, I just want to be left — ”

“Go fuck yourself,” she said. “You don’t go telling me to get outta nowhere. Understand?”

“Yes, okay . . . I just don’t want a date, okay?” trying to be nice now, trying to be polite about this so that maybe she’d go away. Because Winston still had his eyes closed, and the police cruiser was almost up to our car. And the hooker — she wasn’t leaving, now that I’d made her good and mad at me.

“I’ll stay where I damn please,” she said.

And the cruiser rolled right up to the car; and the side window rolled down.

I expected the policeman to yell at me. Tell me to get out of the car, maybe — me and Winston. I expected the policeman to get out of the cruiser and shine a flashlight into the front seat, where he’d notice that Winston had his eyes closed and, if he looked closer, something else. That half of Winston’s head was gone.

“Hey,” the policeman said.

“Hey yourself,” the hooker answered. Like old friends.

“How you doin’, Candy?”

“How d’ya think,” she said.

“Great night to work, huh?”

“You got that right.” Just making conversation, one pal to another.

I was sitting there listening to them. But I wasn’t actually hearing them.

I was remembering.

When I’d arrived at the pier, I saw Winston sitting in the rented blue Sable, just as he was supposed to be. I watched him sitting there for ten minutes, then fifteen, before I noticed that a window was open. That Winston wasn’t moving a muscle—hadn’t moved his head in all that time. Hadn’t lit a cigarette, hadn’t coughed, or yawned, or scratched his nose. Stock still, still as a still-life: Man in Blue Car. Something was wrong. That open window, for instance — the sleet blowing straight in. Why was that?

I crossed the street finally to take a quick look, quick because I was expecting Vasquez any minute, and I was supposed to have come alone. Winston’s eyes were closed as if he were sleeping. Except he didn’t appear to be actually breathing. And the window wasn't open; it was broken.

I got into the car and tapped Winston on the shoulder, and Winston ignored me. And then I leaned across the front seat to get a better look at Winston’s hat, which was when I realized that it wasn’t a hat. It was pulp. Half of Winston’s head was gone. I threw up — my vomit mixing in with the various pieces of Winston’s head. And I was about to run out of the car screaming when I saw the hooker being dropped off by that Jeep. So I stayed put.

Did you see anyone get in or out of the car? they'd ask her.

And she’d say no.

Unless she decided to walk across the street and ask for a cigarette.

The Sable was starting to smell. Even with the broken window letting in steady gusts of frigid air.

“You’re keeping safe, right, Candy?” the policeman was saying.

“You know me,” she said.

No one had bothered to say anything to me yet.

I was tempted to turn the ignition and take off. There were two problems with that, of course. One was that Winston was sitting behind the wheel. And the other was that the policemen, who so far were still ignoring me, would more or less have to notice me if I suddenly gunned the engine and took off.

But now, finally, one of them did look inside the car.

“You,” he said.

“Yes?”

“You conducting a transaction with Candy here?”

“No. I just gave her a cigarette.”

“Something wrong with her?”

“What? No . . . she’s fine.”

“That’s right, Candy’s a honey.”

“I just was . . . having a smoke.”

“Are you married?”

“Yes.”

“Your old lady know you go around looking for hookers?”

“I told you. I was just — ”

“What about your buddy here? He married, too?”

“No. No . . . he’s single.” He's dead.

“Both of you out looking for hookers and you aren’t doing any business with Candy? Why’s that?”

“Officer, I’m sorry if you misunder — ”

“What are you apologizing to me for? Tell her you’re sorry. Freezing her ass out here and you two guys don’t give her the time of day. What’s with your friend over there?”

“He’s . . .”Dead, Officer.

“Maybe you should show Candy some appreciation.”

“Sure.”

“Well?”

“Oh . . .” I fumbled for my wallet. My hand was shaking so hard, it was difficult to actually get it into my back pocket. I finally managed to grab an indeterminate bunch of bills and held them out to her.

“Thanks,” Candy said listlessly, taking them and stuffing them into the top of her negligee.

“What about him?” the policeman asked. “What’s your name?” he asked Winston.

Winston didn’t answer him.

“Isaid, What’s your name?”

Winston still didn’t answer him.

I was picturing myself in the back of the police car, being driven downtown — wasn’t that the expression? I was picturing myself being booked and fingerprinted and given one call. I didn’t even know a lawyer, I thought. I was picturing facing Deanna and Anna through a scratched plastic partition and wondering where on earth to begin.

“Okay. Last time,” the policeman said. “What’s your name? ”

And then.

A sudden crackle, and a staticky voice broke through the excruciating silence like a clap of thunder on an oppressively humid afternoon.

“. . . we have a . . . uh . . . ten-four . . . corner of Forty-eighth and Fifth . . .”

And suddenly the policeman was no longer asking Winston what his name was. He was saying something to Candy instead—“Catch you later,” it sounded like. And the police car left—just like that, vroooom, gone. Mere seconds from discovering a man with half a head and another man sitting calmly next to him in a front seat covered with vomit and brain matter, and it was suddenly, inexplicably, over.

And finally, at last, I could let it out.

I could cry for Winston.

TWENTY-FOUR

It occurred to me almost by accident. I was driving to nowhere in particular. I was following the West Side Highway and trying to keep from shaking.

Winston was dead.

Winston was dead, and I’d killed him.

Hadn’t I cornered him in the bar that night and more or less forced him into doing this?

I tried to work it out — what happened, exactly? Vasquez had said come alone, but maybe Vasquez hadn’t trusted me to come alone, so he’d come early to sniff around. Is that what happened? There was Winston in a blue Sable just sitting there, and maybe Vasquez got suspicious and confronted him, and maybe Winston got belligerent — remembering this was a man who’d been in prison, who was used to doing things to people before they did it to him. Only not this time. And Winston had ended up with half a head.

That made sense, didn’t it? It was hard to tell if it really made sense, because I was scared senseless.

I was almost suffocating from the stench inside the car now. And it was then that I remembered another awful smell sniffed from the front seat of a moving automobile. The mind worked like that sometimes, playing a kind of charades with you — stench and car and what do you get?

Memories of Sunday afternoons spent motoring down to Aunt Kate’s house in southern New Jersey. To get there, we had to take the Belt Parkway down to the Verrazano Bridge, then go straight through the heart of Staten Island. Passing not much of anything along the way, just a supersize mall here and there with a megaplex cinema showing seventeen different movies all playing at once. Then, smack in the middle of nowhere, it would hit with terrifying swiftness. A vomitous odor would suddenly assault us through the cracked-open windows, through the air-conditioning vents and sunroof. The odor of garbage, the stench of landfill. Huge mounds of dun-colored earth on either side of the highway circled by clouds of screaming gulls. Fishkill.

I’d close the windows, Deanna holding her nose right next to me and Anna screeching in the backseat. I’d turn off the air-conditioning and make sure the sunroof was locked tight, but the odor would still come in. It was like sticking your head in a garbage pail, and no matter how fast I drove — and I’d hit the accelerator for all it was worth — I couldn’t drive fast enough. I couldn’t outrun the smell, not until I’d traveled a good fifteen minutes or so and the landscape turned sweetly suburban.

An hour later, drink in hand on Aunt Kate’s backyard deck, I could still sniff it on my clothes.

That’s where I headed.

I took Canal down to the Manhattan Bridge, then up the Belt to the Verrazano. Traffic was light this time of night—a good thing, considering Winston was decomposing right next to me. Have you got half a brain? I used to complain to Anna when I lost my temper. And Winston did have half a brain, the other half spread in pieces around the car.

I was thinking ahead to the tollbooth. If it would be a problem paying—if the toll collector would be able to see inside the car. If he or she would be able to smell the car. Trying to take this thing one obstacle at a time — like Edwin Moses, whom I’d once heard on ESPN explaining his method in the hurdles as just that: one hurdle at a time and never look at the finish line.

The finish line for me was Winston safely disposed of and me back in bed. And Vasquez paid off in full — oh yes, a hundred thousand was seeming kind of cheap right at the moment — all of Anna’s Fund, maybe, but still kind of cheap, things being what they were.

The toll collector was humming vintage James Brown—“I Feel Good.” Not if she sniffed the car, she wouldn’t be. Not if she took a peek at my traveling companion and noticed the brain schematic sitting on his shoulders. I’d pulled out the money in advance and had it out there waiting for her. She’d had a kind of cool rhythm going with the cars in front of me—arm out, arm in, money in, change out, like one of those funky dances from the sixties, the swim or the monkey . But when I rolled up to her window with cash in hand, she told me to wait a minute. She started to count bills inside the booth and left my money sitting right where it was — in my sweaty palm.

It was maddening. I began to worry about the other toll collector now, the one to my right and therefore closer to the dead body. I wondered if they carried guns — toll collectors? It didn’t really matter, since I knew they carried radios. A simple message to the police station up ahead and I was dead meat.

Finally, after another half a song — Little Stevie Wonder circa 1965 — she reached out and took the money from me.

And I breathed again — shallow breaths, of course, head turned toward the window because the stench was enveloping me like steam. Winston was the second dead person I’d ever seen. I’d attended an open-coffin funeral when I was fourteen — a friend of the family who’d succumbed to cancer — and I’d more or less kept my eyes on my shoes, peeking just once at a face that seemed oddly happy. Not so with Winston, his mouth half-open as if caught in midscream, his eyes squeezed shut. He’d gone complaining about it.

I killed Winston, I thought again.

Just as if I’d pulled the trigger myself. Adultery, fraud, and now murder? It didn’t seem so long ago that I’d been one of the nameless good guys. It was a little hard to reconcile that Charles with this one — this one driving a dead man through Staten Island on the way to the dump. It was a little difficult to digest. Yet if I could only make it to the dumping grounds without being apprehended by the police; if I could dispose of Winston’s body and the bloody car; if I could make Vasquez go away with one hundred thousand dollars . . .

One hurdle at a time.

First I had to find a way into the landfill. It had to be close; the stench in the car had been joined by another one that was even worse.

I reached the exit for the dump. At least I thought it was, because the next exit said Goethals Bridge. I exited onto a deserted two-lane road with no street lamps. Winston slumped against the window as I turned right.

I followed the road for five minutes or so, not a single other car in either direction. I imagined the only traffic that found its way here was either coming or going to the landfill, and at this time of night no one was doing either of those things. Except for me.

I squinted into the blackness, looking for a gate that might let me in, slowing to a crawl so I wouldn’t ride past and miss it.

There.

Just up ahead, a gate all right — a barbed-wire fence ending in two swinging doors and a sentry box. A gate in — which might have made me weep for joy, or shout in exultation, or at least sigh in relief, if it wasn’t for the fact that it was locked solid.

Well, what had I expected? This was city property, wasn’t it, not a public dumping ground for anyone with a dead body to get rid of.

I got out of the stinking car only to find that it smelled worse outside the car than in it. It was as if the air itself were garbage, as if all the putrid smells of New York City were dumped here, too, along with all that solid stuff. Landfill and airfill both, and the seagulls feeding on all of it and crying out for more. Rats with wings — wasn’t that what they called them? And now I understood why.

An entire flock of them had descended by my feet — lifting their wings and cawing at me as if I were after their food. As if I were their food. Sharp yellow beaks all pointed at me, and I wondered if they could smell Winston’s blood on me, if, like vultures, they could sniff out the dead and dying.

I felt hemmed in, surrounded by encroaching seagulls and stench, and I yelled and flapped my arms, hoping to scare them away. But the only one scared seemed to be me; the gulls hardly moved, one or two of them beating their wings and lifting an inch or two off the ground. I retreated to the car, where I sat in the front seat and stared at the locked gate.

I reversed the car and began to meander up Western Avenue again, tracking the fence and looking for anything that might constitute a way in.

“Come on, surprise me,” I said out loud. Life had thrown me a few nasty ones lately — thinking that maybe I was due some good ones. Even one good one, right now, here in the asshole of Staten Island, where all the waste exited and lay rotting.

And then my headlights caught a piece of torn fence as the road curved right. Just big enough for one man to get through — even one man dragging another.

He must have a mother somewhere, I suddenly thought. I pictured her as a typical suburban mom. I didn’t know where he’d grown up, so maybe she wasn’t a suburban mom at all. But that’s the way I imagined her. Divorced, maybe, disillusioned by now, but still proud of her grade-school son with the 3.7 GPA. That pride tested through the years, of course, as Winston got into drugs, then into dealing drugs, and then, God help her, into prison for dealing drugs. But wasn’t he putting his life back together again? Wasn’t he the owner of a legitimate job these days — okay, just delivering mail for now, but you couldn’t keep a good man down for long, could you? Not with his brains. Before you knew it, he’d be running that company, sure he would. And such a good-hearted boy, too, and likable — everyone but everyone liked Winston — and he never forgot her birthday card, not once. She still had that lopsided clay ashtray he’d made her in second grade, didn’t she — sitting up somewhere on the mantelplace. Winston’s mom, who wouldn’t be getting a birthday card from him this year or any other year from now on.

I wished I’d asked Winston more about his life. Anything about his life. If he did have a mom waiting for his Christmas cards every year, or a girlfriend sitting up tonight and wondering just where Winston was exactly, or a brother or sister or favorite uncle. But all I’d asked him about was baseball and prison, that’s it, and then I’d asked him to do something that had gotten him killed.

I stopped the car right by the section of torn fence, then sat there for a while to make sure I was really alone. Yes, as far as I could tell, I was very much alone, alone at the dump, alone in the universe. “Deanna,” I whispered, my partner in life, but only the one she knew about — Charles the nine-to-five adman, as opposed to Charles the adulterer and accessory to murder.

I got out of the car, I walked around to the other side, I opened the door and watched helplessly as Winston fell over onto the ground. I would try to think of it as the body — the thing that’s left behind when the soul, what made Winston Winston, had already departed. It was easier that way.

I lifted the body by its arms and began dragging, and I immediately realized that the term dead weight was not a misnomer. Dead weight was the immovable object, panic the irresistible force, but who said the irresistible force wins out? I could barely move the body; an inch or three at a time. It felt as though it were pulling back—tugging at my shoulder sockets, at my elbow joints and aching wrists. At this rate, I’d have the body through the fence by daybreak, just in time for a fleet of sanitation workers to point me out at the police lineup. That’s him, they’d say — the man pulling the deceased into the garbage dump.

But slowly, torturously, I made progress, working out a kind of routine: one huge pull, then a dead stop to catch my breath, shake my hands, and rev up for another. In this fashion, I got the body all the way to the torn section of fence without suffering a single heart attack. And still hours from sun break, too—twelve-thirty, according to my luminescent-dial Movado, a forty-second-year birthday gift from Deanna, who was probably starting to wonder where I was. She worried, and she did it better and with greater dedication than anyone I knew.

I fished my cellular phone out of my coat pocket, flipped it open with a now throbbing wrist, and pressed 2 — my home number. Number 1 in automatic dialing was Dr. Baron’s office.

“Hello?” Deanna, sounding, yes . . . upset.

“Hi, honey. I didn’t want you to worry — it’s taking longer than I thought.”

“Still at the office?”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you calling on your cellular?”

Yes, why was I?

“I don’t know. I walked down the hall for coffee and suddenly realized how late it was.”

“Oh, okay. How much longer do you have?”

Good question. “An hour or so, maybe . . . we have to show these stupid aspirin boards in the morning.” I was kind of surprised how adept I’d become at telling lies, surprised too that I was having this perfectly normal domestic chat — I’m working late, dear — while standing over a man with half a head.

“Well, don’t work too hard,” Deanna said.

“Yes, I won’t.” Then: “I love you, Deanna,” saying her name this time, which on the scale of I love yous ranked somewhere near the top, uttered as something meant as opposed to just another way to end a conversation. Love you — love you, simply a more intimate version of good-bye, but not when you put a name there. Not then. . . .

“I love you, too,” Deanna said, and I knew she meant it, no name necessary.

I put the phone back in my pocket, put one foot through the open hole, reached down, and began to drag Winston through.

The stench was worse over here — hard to imagine, but it was. Outside the fence I was smelling it, but inside the fence I was eating it, ingesting it smell by smell and beginning to turn sick to my stomach.

I pulled the body farther into the dump, closer to the edge of the enormous mound of ground-up garbage. Now that I was this close to it, it looked like one of those temples to the sun I’d seen in Mexico City on a long-ago trip with Deanna. PreAnna, and we’d spent the mornings sight-seeing and the afternoons soaking our livers in tequila. Lots of lovemaking, followed by long drunken naps.

Now what?

You could think in the general all you wanted, but sooner or later the specific starts snapping at you for answers. I’d gotten the body to the dump, I’d dragged it through a barbed-wire fence, I’d brought it to the very foot of the temple of the garbage god.

I looked down at my hands, the very hands that hugged Deanna, that gave insulin shots to Anna, that once upon a time had explored every inch of Lucinda, now being asked to moonlight on a very different kind of job. To shovel a grave.

I dug in, scooping out handfuls of ground-up waste, sharp pieces of tin and bone, glutinous pieces of gristle and fat, man-made fibers of cardboard and Sheetrock.

If I’d been trying to remain dispassionate before, I took it up like religion now. As if my soul depended on it, my very life, this objectification of tonight’s events. Merely smells, merely hands, merely a body. Focusing solely on the act of digging — so much material removed at such and such a rate, leaving an ever widening hole.

By now, I had garbage all over me, up to my elbows in garbage—dangerously close to becoming garbage.

I heard something from far off, the sound of a thunderstorm that might or might not be coming this way — but maybe it wasn’t a thunderstorm after all. The sound was a little too thin for thunder — and as far as I could tell, it was a more or less cloudless night. I heard it again — ears wide open this time — and finally recognized it for what it was. And in recognizing it, I pictured it, too: black pointy ears, snub tail, and sharp white teeth practically dripping with saliva.

And it was getting closer. The junkyard dog of my nightmares.

I dug quicker, scooping out the worst kind of shit with broken-nailed fingers like a dog digging for bones. And every passing minute I could hear the real dog getting louder — distinct barks and growls drifting around the mounds of garbage and over to me, just as my scent must have been drifting back the other way.

The hole was big enough. I stood up and breathed once, twice — getting myself ready for my last physical expenditure of the night.

A cloud of seagulls suddenly passed in front of my eyes — a screaming thundercloud of them, swollen with panic. I could see two glowing eyes staring at me from across the dump.

All those clichés of fear — of where real fear first makes itself known to you: in the pit of your stomach . . . up and down your spine. They were all true. And I could feel it in places you might not expect, either. The back of my neck, where it felt as if each little hair were standing on end. The hollow of my chest, which was vibrating like a bass woofer.

The two eyes advanced and with them a sound that grated on what little nerve I had left. Not a bark, no, one low, sustained growl. The kind that said, I am not happy to see you.

I began to back up, slowly, one baby step at a time, even as the dog — I couldn’t make out what breed, exactly; let’s say human retriever — padded closer and closer.

Then I turned — and ran. Maybe I shouldn’t have; maybe it would have been wiser to stare it down. Never show a dog fear — wasn’t that the old wives’ adage you’re taught from youth? It makes them mad, gets their blood up, stirs up their carnivorous impulses.

But something else stirs up their meat-eating instincts even more. Meat. And I had magnanimously left the dog a lot of it. In the person of Winston.

It took several minutes — several minutes I spent scurrying out through the fence hole and into the car — to realize that the dog wasn’t following me.

And then I heard it. A sound of gnashing teeth — of tearing flesh — of lascivious guttural consumption.

The junkyard dog was eating Winston.

TWENTY-FIVE

I had to get rid of the blue Sable.

It had been rented from Dollar Rent A Car by one Jonathan Thomas. One of the four driver’s licenses Winston had stuffed in his otherwise depleted wallet.

The easiest thing to buy—identities, Winston had confided in me. And Winston had four of them. Back when I was young and idealistic, searching for your identity was an expected rite of passage. Winston, on the other hand, simply bought his — or stole it — making sure he had a few extras just in case.

Just in case someone asked him to get rid of someone else.

Now I had to get rid of the car.

That sort of took care of itself. On the way back down Western Avenue, I passed the highway; it was dark, and I was replaying the sounds of canine feeding in my head — hitting the rewind button against my better judgment and listening to it over and over again. When you’re hearing the sounds of someone being eaten, it’s easy to miss things like highway signs. I ended up in a part of Staten Island I hadn’t known existed — farmland, actual rows of fallow field with an honest to God silo sitting in the distance. Two ticks from every sin of urban congestion, and I was suddenly in Kansas.

But not every sin of urban living was missing. I passed a massive car dump. It looked like a watering hole for wrecks, being as they were all grouped around a mud pond, some of them half-submerged in it. One more wreck would hardly be noticed, would it?

I gently swerved off the road and into the bumpy lot, driving the car to the very edge of the water. I took one last look around the car — trying not to touch the pieces of flesh stuck to carpet and leather, opening the glove compartment, and finding a surprise in there. A gun. Winston’s, I remembered, the one that must’ve never made it into his hand because another gun took his head off before it could. I delicately placed it into my pocket. Then I put the car in neutral, stumbled out of the front seat, and with a gentle push forward let the car slip quietly into the pond, where it finally came to rest with just its antenna poking out of the muck.

I wasn’t much for religion — I didn’t know any prayers to really speak of. But I stood there for a minute and whispered something anyway. In his memory.

I turned away and began to walk.

How I was going to get home?

I could have called a car service, I suppose, but I knew they kept records. I needed to find my way back to midtown, where Charles Schine taking a car ride home would be like any other late night at the office.

I passed a gas station. I could see a lone Indian-looking man reading a magazine in a barely lit cubicle. I walked around the side, looking for a bathroom. I found one.

Gas station bathrooms were much like bathrooms in Chinatown, which were much like black holes in Calcutta, or so I now thought. There was no toilet paper. The mirror was cracked, the sink filled with sludge. But I needed to wash up. I would have to find a bus or train that would take me back into the city, and I smelled like garbage.

The sink had running water. Even a little soap left in the holder, a thick scummy yellow. I washed my hands—I threw water on my face—I took my shirt off even though the bathroom was frigid and I was exhaling clouds of vapor every time I breathed. I rubbed my chest and under my arms. A whore’s bath — isn’t that what they called it? And I was a whore in good standing these days. I’d prostituted every single thing I’d believed in.

I put my shirt back on. I zipped up my jacket. I went back outside and began walking.

I just picked a direction. I wasn’t going to ask the gas station manager, who just might remember a shell-shocked-looking white man who’d showed up without his car.

A half hour later I discovered a bus stop. And when an empty bus came to a stop there a half hour after that, I took it. I was lucky. It was headed to Brooklyn, where it eventually let me off by a subway station.

I made it back to Manhattan.

TWENTY-SIX

On the train in the morning, I did not read the sports page first. Did not read about the Giants’ last lamentable defeat, about the Yankees signing yet another platinum-priced free agent, about the Knicks’ eternal search for a point guard.

For one day, at least, my Hebraic reading of the daily newspaper (that is, back to front) was put aside, and I read the paper like a concerned citizen. Concerned about the festering situation in the Middle East, the ongoing congressional gridlock, the roller-coaster tendencies of the Nasdaq. And, of course, the recent upswing in urban crime. Murder, for instance.

I had listened to the 1010 on your dial morning news flash in the shower and been pleased to hear nothing of the sort. Someone was murdered all right — someone was always getting murdered in New York City. But this someone was female, twenty-one, and French. Or Italian. A tourist, anyway.

The Times “Metro” section yielded no male victims. Likewise the local Long Island paper. Of course, even if someone had been discovered, it would’ve been too late to make it to print.

But these were modern times. The first thing I did when I arrived at the office, after saying hello to my secretary, was to get on the Net.

I searched the on-line editions of two newspapers. There was nothing about a male murder victim in New York City.

Good.

I spent the rest of the morning trying not to think about Winston’s body. Trying not to think about the hundred thousand dollars of Anna’s Fund that was no longer Anna’s. About how I was giving up — finally and futilely giving up.

It was easier said than done — at lunchtime I made another visit to David Lerner Brokerage on 48th Street.

It helped that I had to go to an editing house to look over the nearly finished aspirin commercial with David Frankel. He had the editor play it several times for me. It wasn’t the best testimonial commercial ever done. It wasn’t the worst, either. I took particular notice of the music bed, which sounded like something borrowed from a stock music house—or thrown out by one. It probably was stock, of course — something purchased for three thousand dollars, then billed at forty-five.

David, the D of T&D Music House, seemed much more personable today. As though I were a true partner in this endeavor now. Maybe because we were partners now. Partners in bilking the agency and client out of their dubiously earned cash.

“Trust me,” David said after the editor — Chuck Willis, his name was — had played the spot another three or four times, “the client will love it.”

And I thought how on the accounts I used to work on, it didn’t matter if the client was going to love it. That was always secondary to whether or not we loved it. But it was hard to love a spot where a housewife basically read the product’s attributes off an aspirin bottle.

Still, I had to look it over and act like I cared. Like it was worth looking over and making helpful hints about, suggestions for improvement.

I pointed out places where I thought the film could be trimmed. I asked them to look for a better voice-over. I would’ve mentioned doing something about that saccharine music bed, but then someone might’ve discovered we’d illegally made over forty thousand dollars off of it.

When I got back to the office around two, someone I’d never seen before was placing my mail onto Darlene’s desk. Of course — my new mailroom guy.

I asked him where Winston was. I would’ve been expected to ask him that.

The man smiled and shrugged. “He didna come in,” having trouble pronouncing each word correctly. I wondered if this was one of the disadvantaged people Winston had told me about.

“Oh,” I said, acting surprised. “I see.”

Darlene smiled at the new mail deliverer and said: “You’re better looking than him, anyway." Than Winston.

The man blushed and said: “Tank you. . . .”

I watched him walk away with a sickening feeling. Life goes on, people say when someone dies, it goes on. And there was the proof right in front of me. Winston had been gone just one day, and his replacement was making the rounds already. It both belittled and magnified what had transpired last night — it did both. It made me sick.

TWENTY-SEVEN

The phone call came maybe two minutes later.

Two minutes after I’d hung up with Deanna, after I’d stared at the picture of my family and thought that maybe I could make it all work out in the end.

The phone rang. And rang again. Darlene was probably down the hall swapping boy stories with her fellow executive assistants — which is what secretaries liked being called now in lieu of decent salaries.

So I picked it up.

There were over one hundred people who could have logically been on the line—much later, I counted them as an excuse for something to do. Everyone I knew, basically—maybe a hundred people, all in all, who could reasonably be expected to pick up a phone and call me. Not that I wasn’t expecting this call, of course. In many ways, it was the only call I was expecting. But I imagined it very differently. I imagined it was going to be Vasquez on the line.

But it wasn’t Vasquez.

It was her.

Only her voice was strangely reminiscent of another time, another place. That little-girl voice again. Terribly cute when it’s coming from a little girl, but nauseating when it’s not.

“Please, Charles," the voice pleaded. "You have to come here. Now.”

I was thinking several things at once. For instance, where here was. Her home, her office? Where? For another, I was wondering what it was that was causing her to sound like a frightened child again. Even though I knew what it was. I knew.

“Youhave to . . .Oh God . . . please, ” she whispered.

“Whereare you?” I asked her. A good logical question, one of the four Ws they teach in journalism. What, When, Why, Where? Even if I was asking it in a voice that sounded as panicked as hers. Even then.

“Please . . . he followed me . . . he’s going to . . .”

“What’s going on, Lucinda? What’s wrong?” Which, after all, was the real question here.

“He’s going to hurt me, Charles. . . . He . . . he wants his money . . . he . . .” And then her words got muffled and I could picture what was happening. I saw the phone being yanked out of Lucinda’s hand, the receiver covered by a large black fist. I pictured the room, which looked like the room in Alphabet City even if it wasn’t. And I imagined her face — even as I tried to avert my eyes, I did. Don’t look . . . don’t . . .

And then someone was speaking again. But not her. Not this time.

“Listen to me, motherfucker. ” Vasquez. But not the one I was used to. That phony ingratiating tone was gone, the carefully controlled fury. Fury had been let out for a stroll, and it was kicking up its heels and break-dancing on whoever got in its way.

“You thought you could fuck with me. You thought you’re gonna set me up? You miserable piece of shit. Me? You put some pansy in a car, and he’s gonna what? Kick my ass? You fucking crazy? I got your girl here, understand? I got your whore right here. Tell me you understand, motherfucker.”

“I understand.”

“You understand shit. You think you’re some kind of gangsta or something? You send some clown to fuck me over? Me? ”

“Look . . . I understand. I — ”

“You understand? You get your ass over here with the hundred grand or I will fucking kill this stupid whore. You understand that, Charles?”

“Yes.” After all, who couldn’t understand that? Was there anyone on earth who couldn’t grasp the gravity of that statement?

Now we were down to Where again. I asked for an address.

This time it was uptown — Spanish Harlem. A place I’d never been to except in passing while on my way to somewhere else — Yankee Stadium or the Cross Bronx Expressway.

I called Vital for a car. I opened my locked drawer and stuffed the money into my briefcase—I had it sitting there, waiting for the moment to arrive. I saw something else sitting there, too: Winston’s gun. For a second I thought about taking it with me, but then I decided against it. What, after all, would I do with it?

On the way downstairs I passed Mary Widger, who asked me if anything was wrong.

Family emergency, I explained.

In fifteen minutes I was traveling up Third Avenue. The car slithered, it squeezed, it maneuvered its way excruciatingly through an obstacle course of stationary refrigeration trucks, FedEx vehicles, moving vans, commuter buses, taxis, and gypsy cabs.

But maybe we weren’t moving as slowly as I thought — maybe I was simply picturing what Vasquez was going to do to Lucinda and thinking that I couldn’t let it happen again, not twice in one lifetime. It seemed that I’d look up at a street sign — 64th Street, for instance — and five minutes later I’d still be looking at the same sign.

Halfway through the ride, I realized the hand that was holding my briefcase had gone numb. I was gripping the handle so tightly, my knuckles had taken on the color of burnt wood — ash white. And I remembered a game Anna used to play with me, a kind of parlor trick — asking me to hold her forefinger in my fist and squeeze for five minutes, not a second less, and then release, always giggling as I tried to open my now paralyzed fingers. That was the way I felt now — not just my hands, but all of me: paralyzed. The way I’d felt back in that chair in the Fairfax Hotel. The woman I’d fallen in love with being raped not five feet from me, and I like a victim of sleeping sickness, able to perform all the functions of life save one. To act.

Eventually, the tonier sections of the East Side fell away. Boutiques, handbag stores, and food emporiums turned into thrift shops and bodegas as more and more Spanish words began showing up on passing storefronts.

The apartment building was on 121st Street between First and Second Avenues.

It was surrounded by a check-cashing place, a hairdresser, a corner bodega, and two burned-out buildings. A man selling roasted chestnuts and what looked like unpeeled ears of corn had set up shop in the middle of the block. Another man who looked suspiciously like a drug dealer was checking his beeper and talking into a fancy-looking cellular phone in front of the building.

I asked the car to wait for me. The driver didn’t seem very happy with the idea, but he had the kind of job where you couldn’t exactly say no.

“I may have to circle,” he said.

I didn’t answer him — I was staring at the building and wondering if I could make it through the door. There were three men loitering in the entranceway, and none of the three looked like anyone you’d ask for directions. They looked like three-fifths of a police lineup, men you don’t put your hand out to unless it contains your wallet.

And I was carrying more than my wallet today; I was carrying my wallet plus one hundred thousand dollars.

As soon as I eased myself out of the car, I heard the click of the door locks. You're on your own, they said. And I was; and on 121st Street between First and Second Avenues, I was pretty much the center of attention, too. I imagined that Lincoln Town Cars made very few stops here, as did well-dressed white men carrying expensive leather briefcases. The chestnut seller, the drug dealer, the three men guarding the entranceway of building number 435, all were looking at me like a hostile audience demanding something entertaining.

I didn’t know whether to run up the steps like a man in a hurry or walk up the steps like a man on a stroll, and I ended up somewhere in between — a man who’s not quite sure where he’s going but is still anxious to get there. When I reached the landing where the cracked asphalt was liberally scribbled with chalk and spray paint (“Sandi es mi Mami; Toni y Mali . . .”), I ended up acknowledging the three doormen the way most New Yorkers acknowledge anyone: I didn’t. I kept my eyes averted — on the doorstep, an island of worn tire tread separating brown cement from curled yellow linoleum.

“Hey . . .”

One of the men had said something to me. I was hoping the man had been addressing one of his friends, but I was pretty sure he’d been talking to me. A man wearing oversize yellow basketball sneakers and dress pants — all that I could actually see of him, since I had my eyes trained down by my feet.

I looked up into a middle-aged Spanish face that might have been okay behind the counter at McDonald’s, but not in the middle of Spanish Harlem with one hundred thousand dollars sitting in my briefcase. Besides, the face looked upset with me, as if I’d just complained about the Happy Meal having no French fries in it, and where exactly was the pickle on my burger?

I kept moving, continued to make like a halfback in the opposing secondary as I kept those legs pumping. Just about through the door, too — since the door was permanently half-ajar and offered no resistance.

“Whereyou going?”

The same man as before, speaking in heavily accented English, with the emphasis on you, the intonation important here, since I might’ve thought the man was being helpful otherwise: Tell me where you’re going and maybe I can help direct you there . No — the man was questioning my very validity for being there.

“Vasquez,” I said. The first thing that entered my head, besides Help . If you gave a name, it sounded aboveboard. Maybe they knew that name, and maybe they wouldn’t want to fuck with it. And maybe even if they didn’t know that name — Vasquez, who’s that? — they’d still be leery of poaching in someone else’s territory. A man alone was fair game, but when he wasn’t alone, who knew?

Anyway, it worked.

I kept walking through the doorway, and they didn’t stop me. There was no elevator, of course; I took the steps two at a time. Lucinda was waiting for me — He’s going to hurt me, Charles. Maybe the end was waiting for me, too.

The stairway smelled of bodily fluids: piss and semen and blood. I slipped on a banana peel that turned out to be a used condom and nearly fell down the stairs. I could hear ghostly laughter coming from somewhere I couldn’t see, the kind of laughter that might be funny or might not be. It was impossible to tell.

When I knocked on the door, Vasquez opened it. I got one word out before I was dragged in and slammed up against the wall. He slapped me across the face. I tasted blood. I dropped the briefcase onto the floor and tried to cover up. He slapped me again. And again. I said, “Stop it — I have it, there. . . there.” He kept slapping me, open-handed wallops that sneaked in between my upraised arms.

And then, suddenly, he stopped.

He dropped his arm, uncurled his fist, took a deep breath and then another. He shook his head; he exhaled. And when he finally spoke, he sounded almost normal. As if he’d just needed to vent his anger a little bit before coming back to himself.

“Shit,” he said, as if he were saying glad that’s over with. “Shit.” Then:

“You got the money?”

I was breathing too fast, like an asthmatic searching for air. My face stung where Vasquez had slapped it. But I managed to point to the floor. To the briefcase. The apartment had at least two rooms, I thought — I could hear someone from the room next door. A soft sniffling.

“Where is she?” I said, but my lip was swollen and I sounded like someone else.

Vasquez ignored me. He was opening the briefcase and turning it upside down, watching as stacks of hundred-dollar bills slithered across the floor.

“Good boy,” Vasquez said, the way you might to a dog.

I could hear her clearly now from the next room. The apartment — what I could see of it — had almost no furniture. The walls were streaked with dirt and scarred with cigarette burns. They were painted the color of yolk.

I said: “I want to see her.”

“Go ahead,” Vasquez said.

I walked through the half-open door, which led to the rest of the apartment. The room was dark, the window shades pulled down. Still, I could make out a chair against the back wall. I could see who was sitting on that chair.

“Are you okay?” I said.

She didn’t answer me.

She was sitting very still, I thought. Like a child on a church pew who’s been told repeatedly to be quiet. She didn’t look hurt, but she was sitting there dressed only in a slip.

Why was she in a slip?

I could hear Vasquez counting the money from the next room: “Sixty-six thousand one hundred, sixty-six thousand two hundred . . .”

“I gave him the money,” I said.

But maybe not soon enough. I’d said, Sorry, I don’t have it — and Winston had ended up dead and Lucinda had ended up here in her underwear. I wanted her to move, to answer me, to stop sniffling — to understand that no matter what had happened to her, no matter how many times I’d failed her, the end was within sight. I wanted her to walk across the finish line with me and not look back.

But she wasn’t moving. She wasn’t responding.

And I thought: I have to do something now . I’d taken Anna’s money, I’d gotten Winston killed, I’d let Lucinda be snatched off the street. I’d done this all to keep a secret, and even if Lucinda was one of the people who’d wanted me to keep it, I had to do something.

Vasquez walked into the room and said: “It’s all here.”

I was going to get out of here, and I was going to go to the police. It had gone too far. It was the right thing to do. Only, even as I told myself in no uncertain terms what was necessary here, even as I steeled myself for what would be an unpleasant—okay, even horrible—duty, I could hear that other Charles beginning to whisper into my ear. The one who was telling me how close we were. The one who was saying that what’s past is past, and now I was this close to getting out of it.

“Okay, Charles,” Vasquez said. “You did good. See you. . . .”

He was either waiting for me to leave or was about to leave himself.

“I’m taking her with me,” I said.

“Sure. You think I want the bitch?”

Lucinda still hadn’t said anything. Not one word.

“Maybe you better stay home from now on, Charles. Back in Long Island .” He had my briefcase in his hand. “Do me a favor, don’t try some crazy shit like before — you ain’t gonna find me anyway, see? I’m . . . relocating.”

And he left.

I stood there listening to his footfalls growing softer down the stairs, softer and softer till they disappeared completely.

I’m . . . relocating.

For some reason, I believed him, but maybe only because I wanted to. Or maybe because even Vasquez knew you could bleed someone only so much before the body was declared officially dead.

“I thought he was going to kill me this time,” Lucinda whispered slowly. She was staring at a point somewhere over my head. Even in the darkness I could see she was trembling. There was blood on the inside of her thigh. “He held the gun to my head and he told me to say my prayers and he pulled the trigger. Then he turned me over.”

“I’m taking you to a hospital, Lucinda, and then I’m going to the police.”

Lucinda said: “Get out of here, Charles.”

“He can’t get away with it. He can’t do this to you. It’s gone too far. Do you understand me?”

“Get out of here, Charles.”

“Please, Lucinda . . . we’re going to report this, and — ”

“Get out!" This time she screamed it.

So I did. Iran . Down the stairs, out the front door, back into the waiting car, feeling all the while one distinct, overpowering, and guilty little emotion.

Overwhelming relief.

TWENTY-EIGHT

For two weeks or so, I believed.

Believed that possibly the worst was over. That, okay, I’d been tested, tested severely — a modern-day Job, even — but that it was entirely possible things were going to work out in the end.

Yes, it was hard to look Anna in the face these days, very hard. Knowing that the money I’d painstakingly accumulated for her was, for all intents and purposes, gone. That my carefully constructed bulwark against her insidious and encroaching enemy was virtually depleted.

It was hard, too, looking at Deanna—who trusted me, maybe the very last thing in life she did trust — knowing what I’d done with that trust.

Hardest of all, of course, was thinking about the people I couldn’t look at. Lucinda, for instance—whom I’d failed not once, but twice. And Winston. Whom I’d failed right into the grave. Their pictures clamored for my attention, like needy children demanding to be seen. Look at me . . . look. I tried not to, I tried tucking Winston away in places where I couldn’t find him. But I always did. When I picked up an ordinary piece of office mail, or read an article about the winter baseball meetings — he’d say hello. I’d see him lying there the way I’d left him. I’d close my eyes, but the pictures wouldn’t go away. Like the flash of a camera that remains seared on your eyelids.

Still, I was hopeful.

Hoping for two things, really. That Vasquez had actually meant what he said, that he realized the well was good and dry now and he wouldn’t be coming back. That he had relocated.

And I was hoping that I could rebuild Anna’s Fund. That through diligent and constant cheating, through the auspices of the T&D Music House, I could build it back to where it was before. That I could do this before I might actually need it. Before anyone noticed it, either.

For two weeks, then, this is what I clung to.

Then there was a man waiting for me in reception. That’s what Darlene said.

“What man?” I asked her.

“He’s a detective,” Darlene said.

I thought of Dick Tracy. At first I did — remembering the Sunday comics I used to press into Play-Doh, then stretch into funhouse mirror versions of their former selves.

“A detective?” I repeated.

“Yeah.”

“Tell him I’m not here,” I said.

Darlene asked me if I was sure.

“Yes, Darlene. I’m sure.” Letting just a touch of annoyance into my voice — because annoyance covered up what I was actually feeling, which was, okay, fear.

“Fine.”

And the detective left. After which Darlene informed me that it was a police detective who’d been waiting for me.

The next day he was back.

This time he was sitting there in full view as I exited the elevator. I wasn’t actually aware he was the police detective until he got up and introduced himself as such.

“Mr. Schine?” he said.

And I immediately noticed that if he was a rep, he was devoid of reels, and if he was someone seeking employment, he was minus a portfolio.

“I’m Detective Palumbo,” he said, just like in the movies and TV. That New York accent, the kind that always seems somehow phony in the darkness of a movie theater.

Purpetration . . . dufendunt . . . awficcer.

That’s how Detective Palumbo sounded — only no matinee looks here. A genuine double chin and a stomach that never met the Ab Roller +. Of course, he carried a real badge.

“Yes?” I said. A dutiful citizen just trying to be helpful to an officer of the law.

“Could I have a word with you?”

Of course. No problem. Anything I can do, Officer.

We walked past Darlene, who gave me a look that seemed somewhat reproachful. I asked you if you really wanted me to tell the detective you weren’t there, didn’t I?

We walked in, I shut the door behind us, we both sat down. And all that time, I was having a disturbing conversation with myself. Asking myself myriad questions that I couldn’t answer. For instance, what was the detective here for? Had Lucinda reconsidered and gone to the police herself?

“Do you know Winston Boyko?”

No. Detective Palumbo was here about someone else. He was here about Winston.

“What?” I said.

“Do you know Winston Boyko?”

Okay. What were my options here? No, I don’t wasn’t one of them. After all, there were a number of people who could swear just the opposite — Darlene, Tim Ward, and half the sixth floor.

“Yes.”

Detective Palumbo was scribbling something in his little notebook that he’d produced almost magically out of his coat, scribbling away and seemingly waiting for me to embellish a little.

(A detective comes to see you and asks you if you know this obscure mailroom employee and you say . . . what is it? Yes. That’s it. No curiosity about why?)

“Why do you want to know, Detective?”

“He’s missing,” Detective Palumbo said.

A lot better than He's been found dead. I could cry all I wanted about this unexpected interrogation, but a Winston missing was better than a Winston found.

“Really?” I said.

Detective Palumbo had a red mark on the bridge of his nose. Contacts? A slight nick on his chin where he’d cut himself shaving? I checked out his face as if it might hold a few answers for me. For instance, what he thought I knew.

“For over two weeks,” Palumbo said.

“Hmmm . . .” I was down to monosyllabic responses now, being as my brain was off somewhere else furiously constructing alibis.

“When was the last time you saw him?” Detective Palumbo asked.

Good question. Maybe even a trick question, like who was the last left-handed batter to win the American League MVP award? Everyone says Yastrzemski, everyone, but it’s a trick — it’s really Vida Blue, left-handed wunderkind pitcher for the Oakland As. The kind of question Winston would have loved, too.

When did you last see him?

“Gee, I don’t know,” I finally said. “A few weeks ago, I think.”

“Uh-huh,” Palumbo said, still scribbling. “What exactly was your relationship, Mr. Schine?”

What did that mean? Wasn't relationship the kind of word you used for people who had one? Lucinda and me, for instance. If Palumbo was asking me what kind of relationship Lucinda and I had, I would’ve said brief. I would’ve said sex and violence, and you can forget the sex.

“He works here,” I said. “He delivers my mail.”

“Yeah,” Palumbo said. “That’s it?”

“Yes.”

“Uh-huh.” Palumbo was staring at the picture of my family.

“So I guess you’re interviewing. . .everyone?” I asked, hoped.

“Everyone?”

“You know, everyone who works here?”

“No,” Palumbo said, “not everyone.”

I could’ve asked him, Why me, then? I could’ve asked him that, but I was afraid of the answer I might get back, so I didn’t. Even though I was wondering if Palumbo was expecting me to ask him that.

“So . . . is there anything else I can — ” I began, but was interrupted.

“Whenwas that again? The last time you saw him?” Palumbo asked, pencil poised and waiting — and I was reminded of an image from one of those British costume dramas that continuously turn up on Bravo: the Crown’s executioner holding the ax above his head, only awaiting the signal to strike.

“I don’t remember, exactly,” I said. “Two weeks ago, I guess.”

I guess. Couldn't hold someone to a guess, could you? Couldn’t drag them downtown and haul them before the court on a wrong guess.

“Two weeks ago? When he delivered your mail?”

“Yes.”

“Did you ever get together with Mr. Boyko, you know, socially?”

Yes, once in a bar. But it was business.

“No.”

“Did Mr. Boyko ever talk to you about himself?”

“How do you mean?”

“Did Mr. Boyko ever talk about himself? To you?”

“No, not really. About mail . . . you know.”

“Mail?”

“Deliveries. Where I wanted something sent. Things like that.”

“Uh-huh. That’s it?”

“Pretty much. Yes.”

“Well, what else?”

“Excuse me?”

“You said pretty much. What else did he talk to you about?”

“Sports. We talked about sports.”

“Mr. Boyko is a sports fan, then?”

“I guess. Kind of. We’re both Yankee fans,” trying hard to keep in the present tense when I was talking about Winston — not so easy, when I could picture him lying stiffly at the foot of the mound of garbage.

“That’s all, then. You talked about mail and sometimes about the Yankees?”

“Yes. As far as I can remember.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes.”

“Would you know how Winston came into ten thousand dollars, Mr. Shine?”

“What?”You heard him.

“Mr. Boyko had ten thousand dollars in his apartment. I was wondering if you had any idea how he got it.”

“No. Of course not. How would I . . . ?” I was wondering something: if the police were allowed to check with David Lerner Brokerage and see how much stock I’d sold. It wouldn’t look good, would it? It would look, okay, suspicious. But then, why would they suspect me of giving ten thousand dollars to Winston? I was panicking for no good reason.

“There were some computers stolen from your agency. One from this floor.”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Did you ever see Mr. Boyko up here when he wasn’t supposed to be?”

Computers. Palumbo was asking me about computers. Of course. Winston the thief. Winston the ex-con. He was talking to me because he suspected Winston had gotten that money from stealing some computers. He needed witnesses. Winston had stolen some computers and he’d made some money and taken off.

“Now that you mention it, I did see him up here one night when I was working late.”

“Where, exactly?”

“Just around, you know. In the hall here.”

“Was there any reason for him to be up on this floor after work?”

“Not that I can think of. I thought it was kind of strange at the time.” I was killing him again, I thought. First when he was alive and now when he wasn’t.

“Did you challenge him about that? Ask him what he was doing there?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I just didn’t. He was down the hall — I was in my office. I really didn’t know if he was supposed to be here or not.”

“All right, Mr. Schine.” Palumbo shut his notebook and placed it back into his hip pocket. “I think that’s all I have for you today. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.”

“You’re welcome,” I said, even as I wondered about that word. Today.

“I hope you find him.”

“So do I. You know, Mr. Boyko was pretty good about seeing his parole officer. He hadn’t missed a meeting. Not one. You did know he’d been in prison, right?”

“I think I may have heard something about that. Yeah, sure. Is that who told you he was missing? His parole officer?”

“No,” Palumbo said. Then he looked straight into my eyes, the way lovers do when they want you to acknowledge the sincerity of their feelings.

“Mr. Boyko and I had a kind of working relationship,” he said. “Understand?”

TWENTY-NINE

Things happen for a reason. That’s what Deanna believed. That things aren’t as random as you might expect — that there was some kind of unseen and only hinted-at plan out there. That the orchestra might be out of tune and all over the place, but there was a maestro somewhere in that hidden orchestra pit who knew exactly what he was doing.

I’d always treated that kind of thinking with a healthy skepticism, but now I wasn’t so sure.

Take the Saturday after my interrogation. Freakishly warm, pools of soft mud sucking at my shoes as I meticulously picked up after Curry in the backyard. I was concentrating on this task — covering every inch of the yard with eagle-eyed dedication — as a way to keep from concentrating on other things.

I was holding in fear and panic; I was trying not to let them out.

So when Deanna called out to me from the back door — something about auto insurance — I barely acknowledged her.

She needed to renew our insurance, she was saying. Yes, that’s what it was. I nodded at her like one of those bobble dolls they stick on the dashboard of cars — reflexive motion caused by the slightest disturbance in the air. She needed to renew our insurance, and she wanted to know where our policy was.

So I told her. And went back to the business at hand.

It was ten or fifteen minutes later when she appeared at the back door wearing an expression I was all too familiar with. The one I’d hoped to never see again.

At first, of course, I thought, Anna. Something happened to Anna and I must throw down my garbage bag and run into the house. Where I would no doubt find my daughter comatose again. Only at that very moment I saw Anna pass her upstairs bedroom window, where the latest from P. Diddy was streaming through the closed sill. She looked fine.

What, then? So my mind backtracked, scurrying down the recent road to here — searching furiously for clues that might explain the nature of this particular disaster.

I’d been cleaning the yard; she’d come out to tell me something — yes, our insurance needed renewing. She’d asked me where our policy was; I’d told her.

In the file cabinet, of course. Under I for insurance. Right?

Except this was auto insurance. Automobile insurance that needed renewing. So in the haphazard and admittedly chaotic filing system of the Schines, it was possible that this policy wasn’t under I after all, but under A. A for automobile. In the A file.

All this occurring to me at lightning speed and, as lightning would, leaving me dazed and scorched. Possibly even dead.

Which is when I wondered about things happening for a reason. Why, for instance, our auto insurance had needed to be renewed now, right this minute, today. Why? And why at the very moment she’d asked me for help in finding our policy, I’d been so preoccupied with staying preoccupied that I hadn’t had the wherewithall to tell her I’d go get it myself.

“Where’s Anna’s money, Charles?” Deanna asked me. “What have you done with it?”

THIRTY

Forest Hills seemed to be made up of Orthodox Jews and unorthodox sectarians. People who seemed alone, or who were without a visible means of support, or who didn’t seem to really belong there. In that particular apartment or particular building or that actual neighborhood. I fit in perfectly.

For instance, I looked like a married man, but where was my wife? I was undoubtedly a father, but where exactly were my kids? And then I even became a little shaky on the means-of-support thing.

On the first Tuesday after I moved out, I took the train into work at Continental Boulevard.

I was called down to Barry Lenge’s office. That itself was unusual, since office hierarchy dictated that bean counters—even the head bean counter—travel to your office when a face-to-face was needed.

I went anyway. After all, I think I was suffering from a kind of post-traumatic stress syndrome, and whatever self-confidence I had left was down to the approximate level of a whipped dog.

Barry Lenge looked even more uncomfortable than me. That should have been my first clue.

His triple chin made him appear physically agitated, in any case — as if his head couldn’t find a position where it wasn’t imposing on another part of his body. But today he looked worse.

“Ahem,” Barry cleared his throat, which should have been my second clue; there was something in there he was going to have a little trouble getting out.

“I was just looking over the production bills,” Barry said.

“Yes?”

“This Headquarters job. There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Now it must have been me who looked truly uncomfortable, because Barry looked away — at his set of silver pencils — and I remembered how Eliot had doodled on his stationery the morning I was fired off my account by Ellen Weischler.

“The thing is . . . something’s been brought to our attention.”

“What?”

“You see, there’s forty-five thousand here for music.” He was pointing to a piece of paper sitting on the desk in front of him. The same bid form I’d looked at before.

“Seethat?” Barry asked him. “Right there.”

I pretended to look, if only because that’s what whipped dogs do when given a command — they obey. I could see a number there all right; it looked like forty-five thousand.

“Yes?”

“Well, Charles . . . there’s a problem with that.”

“Yes?” Was that all I was going to say — answer each of Barry’s revelations with a yes?

“Mary Widger heard the same music on a different spot.”

“What?”

“I’m telling you this same piece of music was on another spot.”

“What do you mean?”

“Correct me if I’m wrong. Forty-five thousand dollars was for original music, right?”

“Right.”

“So it’s not original.”

“I don’t understand.” But I did understand, of course. Tom and David Music had found a piece of music in a stock house, and they hadn’t bothered to see if someone else had used it before. Someone had.

“Well, maybe it just sounds the same. It’s just a bed, really.”

“No. She brought it to the musicologist. It’s the same piece. Note for note.”

She brought it to the musicologist. Musicologists were generally consulted to make sure that any music we did wasn’t too close to any other existing piece of music we might be trying to imitate. For instance, we might cut a commercial to Gershwin’s “ ’S Wonderful,” but if the Gershwin estate wanted an arm and a leg to let us use it, we might attempt to rip it off, but not too closely — because the musicologist would say no. Only in this case, of course, it wasn’t Gerswhin who was being ripped off.

“I’ll talk to the music house,” I said, trying to sound as officially indignant as Barry did. Instead of scared.

“I talked to the music house,” Barry said.

I didn’t like the way Barry said that — music house — with a noticeable derision. A pointed sarcasm.

“Yes?”

“Yeah. I talked to the music house. So the question I have for you is this. How much?”

“How much what? ”

“How much? If I was to give you a bill of what you owe this agency, how much should I make it out for?”

“I don’t understand.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Yes.”

“I think you do. I think you understand perfectly. The music house is a paper company, Charles. It doesn’t exist. It exists only to make illegal profits from this agency. So if I want those profits back — how much do I need to ask you for?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. If you’ve uncovered some kind of scam here . . .”

“Look, Charles . . .” And now Barry didn’t seem the slightest bit uncomfortable anymore. He seemed right in his element. “Look—if you pay us back the money, there’s a chance this won’t end up in court. That you won’t end up in court. Are you following me? Not that that would be my decision. If it was up to me, I’d throw you in jail. But since I’m the company comptroller, money’s kind of close to my heart, right? Eliot feels differently. Fine.”

Eliot feels differently. I'd been wondering if Eliot knew anything yet.

“Look, maybe I suspected something . . . I thought maybe something was . . . Shouldn’t you be talking to Tom and David?”

“I talked to Tom and David. They both had plenty to say. So you want to keep fucking with me, fine, but you should know that if you keep this up, Eliot will reconsider his decision. Why? Because I'll tell him to. They don’t want the bad publicity — I understand. But they want their money back. And you know something? When it comes to money versus a momentary smudge on their reputation, they’ll take the money. Trust me on this.”

It was clear I had a decision to make. I could admit taking the twenty thousand dollars. I could even pay the twenty thousand dollars back — if Deanna let me go near Anna’s Fund again, which might not be so easy. On the other hand, I had the distinct feeling Tom and David had implicated me to a greater degree than the facts actually warranted — and that Barry wasn’t going to believe twenty thousand dollars was the extent of my fraudulent activities. No, the bill was going to be higher. If I admitted anything, I decided, I was done.

“I didn’t have anything to do with this,” I said as forcefully as I could. “I don’t know what Tom and David told you, but I wouldn’t necessarily trust the word of two guys who’ve apparently been cheating you for years.”

Barry sighed. He tried to loosen his collar, an impossible task since it was already two sizes too small.

“That’s the way you want to play this,” he finally said. “Fine. Your decision. You say you’re innocent, we institute company procedures. Fine.”

“Which are . . . ?”

“We suspend you. We hold an internal investigation. We get back to you. And if I have any influence on the powers-that-be at all—we fucking arrest you. Understand, pal?”

I got up and left the office.

THIRTY-ONE

Time passed. One week, two weeks, a month.

Time I spent mostly wondering in lieu of working. I was wondering, for instance, if Deanna was ever going to forgive me and whether or not I was going to be arrested for murder or indicted for embezzlement. None of those things had happened yet. Still, there was always tomorrow.

I decided after my first day as a jobless person that I was a creature of habit and was habitually programmed to go to work in the morning. So I rode the train into Manhattan just like I always did and commuted back in the afternoons. My depressing environs had something to do with it; the furnished apartment was like a motel room without maid service. I felt a little like Goldilocks sleeping in someone else’s bed. Someone who was about to show up at any minute and demand my immediate departure. There were clues who this someone was — little relics of actual habitation left behind in this now sterile desert.

A paperback, for example. A dog-eared copy of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. But was it a Martian or a Venutian who’d once owned it? It was hard to say.

A toothbrush discovered behind the stained toilet. One of those fancy ones with a curved brush for those hard-to-reach areas. Lavender. Was that considered a feminine color or a masculine color, or neither?

And in my one desk drawer: a sheet of lined paper filled with what appeared to be New Year’s resolutions. “I will try harder to meet people,” was the first one. “I will be less judgmental.” And so on. I decided the writer of this list and the owner of the book were probably one and the same, since both pointed to a devotee of rigorous self-improvement. I wondered, if Deanna was from Venus, was I from Pluto?

I visited the 42nd Street Library. I strolled the Met. I spent an entire day half sleeping in the Hayden Planetarium, waking periodically to a canopy of stars — like an astronaut coming out of suspended animation, alone in the universe and so far from home.

I made sure to call Anna every afternoon — always from my cell phone, since the elaborate cover story we’d worked out to explain my absence was that I was shooting a new ad campaign in Los Angeles. Once, I’d spent two months out there doing just that; it seemed like an excuse that might actually work.

Where are you now? Anna would ask me.

The Four Seasons pool, I'd reply.

A studio in Burbank. A street in Venice. In a rented car at the intersection of Sunset and La Cienega.

Cool, Anna would say.

Deanna had told me she didn’t wish to speak to me for a while. The torture involved how long a while that would actually turn out to be. Occasionally she would pick up when I called and I’d hope that awhile had ended right then. But she’d call out for Anna and wait silently until our daughter picked up the phone. In a way, it wasn’t that different from all our years A.D.—after diabetes—that stifling silence about things we couldn’t mention. Only there was a terrible reproof in her silence now, as opposed to just plain grief. And where before silence had been filled with the inconsequential and bland, it was now filled with the kind of quiet western movie heroes were always running into just before an ambush. It's quiet, they’d say to their amigos, too quiet.

It was late February, the Monday of my third week of banishment and joblessness, when I saw Lucinda again.

My first instinct was to hide and duck back farther into the faceless crowd. My second instinct was to say hello. Possibly because it was good to see her up and about again; it alleviated my guilt a little. Up and about and even talking to someone.

I’d wondered about her, of course. If she could ever recover from what Vasquez had done to her. I hoped so.

And now I thought that maybe she could. The rings under her eyes had gone away. She looked beautiful again; she looked like Lucinda.

I was so entirely fixated on her, it was probably a minute or so before I even took notice of whom she was talking to. Was that her husband — glimpsed briefly that day in front of the fountain at the Time-Life Building?

No. It wasn’t her husband she was talking to. This man was shorter, younger, frumpier. A fellow broker, perhaps — a friend from the neighborhood.

They seemed to be on good terms with each other, at least. They’d stopped in front of a newsstand and were engaged in a lively discussion.

I was in a kind of no-man’s-land, I realized. Neither far enough away to be invisible, nor close enough to be conversational. One look to the left and Lucinda would see me for sure — stuck in limbo, the man who’d failed her, a reminder of all she’d been through.

I wanted to spare her that. Mostly, I wanted to spare me that.

So I turned tail. I skirted the fringes of the slowly moving crowd and tried to keep my face forward to avoid any accidental eye contact.

I made it through the crowd, a piece of flotsam moving with the tide. All the way over to the stairway leading to Eighth Avenue. Home free.

Only, I’d peeked. I couldn’t help it. I’d peeked over at Lucinda and her business associate to see if I’d remained unnoticed.

And noticed something.

I mulled it over on the cab ride to the National Museum of the American Indian and decided I didn’t know what. Whatever it was had been picked up in one quick, furtive glance. And there’d been all these people between us, too. Foreground crosses, we call it in shoot-speak. Where you walk the extra back and forth between camera and actors to ensure it looks real, that it doesn’t look like some sound stage in Universal Studios.

Only sometimes you put too many extras into the mix, and they obliterate the actors entirely. It becomes impossible to see them, and they themselves become extras in the shot. Then you have to thin out the extras and rework the blocking so the actors can be seen again.

That’s sort of what I was doing in the cab.

I was trying to push the faceless crowd of commuters off to the side so I could see Lucinda clearly. Lucinda and that business associate of hers, or neighborhood friend. Or . . .

Her brother. Yes, maybe it was her brother, only I couldn’t remember if she had a brother or not. It seemed to me we’d spent a lot more time talking about my family than hers. I’d poured my heart out to her, hadn’t I? About Anna and Deanna? I didn’t remember whether she had brothers or not.

But it seemed to me now that it must have been her brother. Or perhaps her cousin. Yes, it could have been her cousin.

It had to do with what I’d noticed.

I was trying to push those other people out of the way to get a clear look, but they were getting annoyed and pushing back. They were telling me to get lost or busy looking for a cop.

Their hands.

I thought I saw their hands touching. Not interlocked, not intertwined, but touching.

Something you might do with a brother, wasn’t it?

And even if it wasn’t her brother, even if it was a friend of hers, anew friend of hers, could you blame her? I’d never asked her if I was the first. Why should I assume I’d be the last?

She was still stuck in the same awful marriage. She was desperately in need of someone to talk to. Now especially. Maybe she’d gone and found someone.

And for the briefest moment, I felt something suspiciously like jealousy. Just a quick pang, a phantom ache from a long healed wound.

Then I forgot about it.

THIRTY-TWO

It was Anna’s birthday.

I’d never missed one. I couldn’t imagine missing one now. She might give a sullen shrug of her shoulders when I brought up things like birthdays — Birthday, what’s that? — but I genuinely believed she’d never forgive me if I didn’t actually show up for one. And then I’d have two Schines in a unforgiving mode, and I was having a hard enough time with one.

So when I phoned home and Deanna picked up, I said: “Please don’t call Anna yet. I need to talk to you.”

She sighed. “Yes, Charles?” she said.

Well, she’d used my name, at least.

“Anna’s birthday is coming up,” I said.

“I know when Anna’s birthday is.”

“Well. Don’t you think I should be home for it? She’d hate me if she thought I’d stayed in California on her birthday.”

“I’m not ready for you to come home, Charles.”

Yes, that was a problem — Deanna not being ready. As for me, of course, I was more than ready.

“Well, couldn’t we . . . what if I say I came back just for her birthday and then I have to leave again?”

“I don’t know . . .”

“Deanna, it’s Anna's birthday . . .”

“Look . . . you can stay the night, okay? But in the morning, Charles, I want you to leave.”

“I understand. That’s fine. Thank you.”

It felt a little odd thanking my wife for letting me stay overnight in my own home. Not unjust, just odd. The important thing, though, was that she’d said yes.

THIRTY-THREE

I was helping Deanna clean up the plates smeared with half-eaten cake and dollops of melting ice cream.

I was asking myself how it was possible.

The birthday celebration had been strained and awkward. Anna had invited just one friend, possibly her only friend these days. It felt more like a wake than a birthday celebration, but then I was kind of preoccupied.

I was thinking about that resident in the ER who’d asked me about Anna’s eyes. I was thinking he should’ve asked me about my own. Are you having problems seeing? And I would’ve said, Yes, Doctor, I’m blind. I can’t see.

But not anymore.

My life had turned into a train wreck. I could hear the screams of the dead and dying. But all that time it had been Lucinda at the wheel. I knew that now. Lucinda. And him.

How was it possible?

A lie. A farce. A con — trying to stick a label on something that was clearly out of my experience. As Anna waited patiently for us to stop singing “Happy Birthday.”

A setup. A hoax. As she opened her presents and read her cards. My card said: “Can’t you stay thirteen forever?”

An out-and-out robbery. As Anna thanked each of us for her presents and even gave me a hug.

And this, too: That man at Penn Station.

He wasn’t her brother, her neighbor, or her favorite uncle.

He was next.

Deanna and I had managed to put up a decent front. We’d smiled, we’d talked, we’d clapped our hands when Anna blew out her candles.

But now that Anna and her friend had been dropped at a movie and we were alone, it had grown deathly quiet again. Just the steady splash of the faucet and the sour clinks of plates and glasses being laid to rest in the dishwasher tub. And the awful shouting going on in my own head.

“Well,” I said, trying desperately to tug my thoughts in another direction, any direction, and at the same time cleave the silence, “one year older.”

“Yes,” Deanna said without much enthusiasm. Then she placed the last plate into the dishwasher, walked to the kitchen table, and sat down. And, for the first time in God knows how long, really began talking to me.

“How have you been, Charles?”

“Okay. Fine." Liar, I thought.

“Really?”

“Yes. I’m okay, Deanna.”

“I was thinking,” she said.

“About?”

“I was thinking as we sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to her. To our Anna.”

“Yes . . . ?”

“You said something once. About us, about being a parent. I wonder if you even remember it?”

“What did I say?”

“You said”—she closed her eyes now, trying to conjure up the exact words—“that it was like making deposits. ”

“Deposits? I don’t remember . . .”

“Anna was three or four, somewhere around there, and you’d taken her someplace she wanted to go — the zoo, I think. Just you and her, because I was sick. I don’t think you were feeling so hot yourself — I think I’d caught your cold. And you just wanted to stay home and lie down on the couch and watch football all day, but Anna pestered you and you gave in and took her. You don’t remember?”

I did remember now, vaguely, anyway. A Sunday long ago at the Bronx Zoo. Anna and I had fed the elephants.

“Yes, I remember the day.”

“When you came back, I thanked you. I knew you were feeling shitty and you didn’t really want to go. It wasn’t a big thing, but I remember being really happy that you did it.”

Deanna was looking right at me now — directly at me, as if she were searching for something missing. I wanted to say, I'm here, Deanna. I never left.

“You said something to me. You said that every day with Anna, every good moment you spent with her, was like a deposit. A deposit in a bank. If you made enough of them, if you diligently kept putting money away in that account, then when she was older and on her own, she’d be rich enough to get by. Rich with memories, I guess. I thought it was kind of sappy. I thought it was kind of brilliant. She’s going to need dialysis soon,” Deanna said.

“No, Deanna.” All thought of zoos and elephants, of Lucinda and Vasquez, immediately disappeared.

“Dr. Baron did some tests. Her kidneys are failing — one of them is barely there at all. Very soon our daughter is going to have to be strapped up to a machine three times a week so she can stay alive. That’s what he said.”

“When?”

“What does it matter? It’s going to happen, that’s all.”

Then Deanna was crying.

I remembered wondering not too far back if Deanna was all cried out. But then I’d learned differently — that day in the garden. And now.

“I think you were right, Charles.”

“What . . . Deanna . . . how do you mean?”

“I think we did okay with her. I think we gave her a very nice bank account. I think we never forgot to put something in. Never. Not once.”

I felt something itchy under my eyes, something hot and wet on both cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Charles,” she said. “I never closed my eyes to what was going to happen. But I did in a way. Because I wouldn’t let you talk about it. I didn’t want to hear it said out loud. I’m so sorry. I think that was wrong now.”

“Deanna . . . I . . .”

“I think we should talk about it. I think we should talk about what a remarkable daughter we have, for as long as we have her. I think that’s very important.”

And somehow, in some magical and unexplained way, we ended up in each other’s arms.

THIRTY-FOUR

It was impossible to miss Lucinda’s legs.

I hadn’t missed them that first morning on the train.

And I didn’t miss them now when I saw them emerging out of the morning crowd at Penn Station. Striding forward from a sea of denim, serge, and English wool — sleek and sexy and belonging solely to her.

Her and that man.

I’d been waiting to see them for days. I’d taken the 5:30 into Penn each morning. I’d planted myself at approximately the same spot I’d seen them the last time. I’d diligently stood guard. When the morning crowd dissipated and they didn’t show up, I’d walked from one end of the station to the other.

I’d done this day after day.

I’d told myself it was my only chance. I’d crossed my fingers and said my prayers.

But now that I’d spotted them, I had trouble looking at them.

I felt naked and vulnerable and scared.

I couldn’t help looking at that man, for instance, and seeing myself. Once at an office friend’s bachelor party, I’d turned away from the nubile young stripper in a gold lamé thong just long enough to see everyone else staring at her and thought with sudden dismay: I look like them.

This man was so evidently besotted with Lucinda — or whoever she was. He kept grabbing for her hand and gazing lovingly into her eyes.

I hadn’t been wrong about who he was. She was playing him just as she’d once played me. He was next.

How pathetic, I thought. How pitiable.

How exactly like I’d been.

When I’d looked into the picture frame that day in the candy store, I’d asked myself what it was that had made me such a target. But only briefly. Because I knew the answer. In the cold light of day, it was so easy to see just how much I’d been asking for it. For something. Anything. Anything at all to come rescue me from me.

I’d spent a lot of time replaying all the moments I’d spent with her, too, my rescuer. Only now remembering them just a little differently from before. Running them back and forth and back in my head, the way, in the days before computer editing systems, I used to have to run strips of celluloid through Moviolas until they frayed and split. I had to patch them with tape again and again and again, until the images formed actual cracks and nearly disintegrated into dust. Take the first time I met Lucinda. Here, I’ll take care of it, she’d said sweetly on the train that day, but when I looked closely now, I could already see ugly fissures crisscrossing her face as she offered a ten-dollar bill to the pissed-off conductor.

She’d picked me that day.

Lucinda and the man had worked their way over to the open coffee shop, where they sold fat-free peach muffins and doughy bagels. The man ordered coffees, and they stood elbow to elbow across a small table. Steam sometimes obscured their faces.

I kept my back to them. I flipped through newsstand magazines and peeked. I was worried about her seeing me, but less worried than I might have been.

My face had changed.

It had happened gradually, bit by bit. I’d lost weight. As my life seemed to implode, my appetite had lessened, waned, disappeared. My clothes began to hang on me. When Barry Lenge administered the coup de grâce and sent me into the ranks of the unemployed, I’d stopped shaving, too. My goatee had become a beard. A few days ago, I’d looked into the bathroom mirror and seen the kind of face you see in hostage dramas staring back. That haunted-looking overseas government official who’s finally been released after months of dark captivity. I looked like that.

Only I was still a hostage.

I kept peeking now.

It became hard watching them without actually being able to go over and confront them. Because now, in addition to feeling scared and naked and vulnerable, I felt angry. It welled up in me like sudden nausea. The kind of anger I’d up to this point reserved solely for God — on those days I believed in God and on the days I didn’t — for Anna’s disease. The kind of anger that caused me to clench my hands into fists and imagine landing them in Vasquez’s face. And hers.

But I resisted the urge to walk over and tell her that I was on to them. That I knew what she’d done to me. I needed to bide my time. To get Anna’s money back, I needed to find Vasquez; and to find Vasquez, I needed Lucinda.

That was my mantra. This was my mission.

She would lead me to him.

THIRTY-FIVE

Okay,” the deskman said. “How long you want it for?”

This deskman was the very same one who’d given me the key to room 1207 back in November when I’d stood in front of him with Lucinda on my arm.

I was back at the Fairfax Hotel, and the deskman was asking me exactly how long I’d be needing room 1207 for.

Good question.

“How much is it for two weeks?”

“Five hundred and twenty-eight dollars,” the man said.

“Fine,” I said. So far, I was on paid suspension. And $528 was a bargain in New York City, even if the room had bloodstains on the carpeting and the stink of sex in the mattress sheets.

I paid in cash and received my room key. There was a pile of magazines sitting on top of a beat-up couch, the only true piece of furniture in the lobby. I stopped to peruse them: a Sports Illustrated from last year, a Popular Mechanics, two issues of Ebony, and an old U.S. News & World Report: SHOWDOWN IN PALM BEACH COUNTY . I took the Sports Illustrated.

I rode the elevator with a man wearing a University of Oklahoma jacket who actually looked as if he were from Oklahoma. He had the slightly bewildered look of a tourist who’d fallen for the picture on the cover of the brochure — the one taken in 1955, when the Fairfax wasn’t being subsidized by federal welfare checks. He’d probably tried his hand at three-card monte and already purchased a genuine Rolex watch from the man on the corner. He looked like he was ready to go home.

So was I.

But I was on a mission now, so I couldn’t.

For just a moment as I was opening the door, jiggling the key inside the somewhat resistant door lock, I couldn’t help tensing up and waiting for someone to blindside me into the room. No one did, of course, but that didn’t stop me from sighing in relief as soon as I made it inside and shut the door.

It looked a little smaller than before, as if my imagination had given it a size more commensurate with what had gone on there. But it was just a room in a cramped downtown hotel, big enough for two people who pretty much intended to stay glued to each other, conducive to sex if for no other reason than its restrictive dimensions. The kind of room where two is company but three’s a disaster — remembering what it was like to be stuck in that bird’s-eye seat on the floor.

I lay down on the bed without taking my shoes off and closed my eyes. Just for a few minutes.

When I woke, it was nearly dark.

For a few seconds, I had no idea where I was. Wasn’t I home in bed? Wasn’t Deanna next to me or downstairs whipping up something tasty for dinner? And Anna — chatting away on-line in the next room, homework spread out on her lap like a prop to throw me off the scent?

There was a musty odor in the room, mustier even than my furnished apartment; the mattress felt hard and lumpy at the same time; the ghost images of a chair and table I didn’t recognize were hovering precipitously by the foot of the bed. And I finally woke to my current surroundings as to a radio alarm that’s been set too loud — I groaned, winced, and looked furtively for a stop button that didn’t exist.

I got up and made my way into the bathroom to splash some cold water onto my face. My body felt like pins and needles, my mouth dry and pasty. I looked down at my watch: seven twenty-five.

I’d slept the whole day away. When I walked back to the bed, I saw the Sports Illustrated I’d taken from downstairs lying on the floor.

I saw the date.

November 8.

One week before I’d walked onto the 9:05 to Penn Station and my world had come tumbling down.

THIRTY-SIX

I was sitting on the beaten-up couch in the lobby.

I was wearing a baseball cap pulled down low over my eyes.

I was tracking human traffic like an eagle-eyed crossing guard.

How long do you want it for? the deskman had asked me when I checked in.

Why did I want it in the first place?

That day when we walked out of Penn Station and into a taxi, that day when she’d finally said yes. When she’d asked me, Where?

I’d gone and dutifully picked our hotel from a moving taxi.

But maybe not.

Now it seemed to me that I’d pointed one out to her, but she’d said, Uh-uh, then picked out another one she didn’t like the look of; and then finally, when we’d made it nearly all the way downtown to the vicinity of her office, I’d pointed to the Fairfax and she’d said, Okay. So when you really thought about it, maybe I hadn’t picked our hotel after all.

Maybe she had.

The hotel where I’d run into the wrong person at just the wrong time. Only I hadn’t really run into anyone. They’d set a trap, and I’d walked into it.

Which brought me to my hunch. An idea that occurred to me when I was standing empty-handed and frantic in Penn Station.

There was no reason on earth for her to think I would ever find out about her and Vasquez. The last time she’d seen me, I’d been running for my life down that stairway in Spanish Harlem.

They didn’t need to change addresses.

Just victims.

When she relieved Mr. Griffen of most of his cash and all of his dignity, odds were it was going to be in the very same place they’d done it to me.

So I sat on the couch in the lobby.

I waited.

THIRTY-SEVEN

I bought a pair of sunglasses from the Vision Hut on 48th Street. I was pretty sure the black man hadn’t recognized me the other day, that he hadn’t matched the bearded and undernourished-looking man he’d seen sitting in the lobby to the man he’d led into that alleyway in Alphabet City.

Still, it wouldn’t hurt to take precautions.

I completed fifty-two push-ups and seventy-five sit-ups before 7:00A .M.

When I got downstairs, I walked over to the bellman’s desk and said hello.

“Hi,” the bell captain said.

“Not too busy today, huh?” I said.

“Nope.”

Then I was pretty much out of things to say.

“How long have you worked here?” The good conversationalist will always ask the other person about himself.

The bellman looked kind of suspicious. He was about forty or forty-five, I guessed, greasy hair combed in a kind of pompadour, a style about forty years out-of-date.

“A while,” he said.

“Get any days off?”

“Why?”

“Excuse me?”

“Why do you want to know if I get any days off?”

“I don’t know. Just making conversation.” That, at least, was what I was attempting to do.

“Oh, I get it,” he said.

“Huh?”

“What kind you looking for? You want white, black, spic . . .what? ”

“Excuse me?”

“You looking for a date or not?”

I blushed. “No. I was just . . . talking. . . .”

“Right,” the bellman said. “Fine.”

In this hotel, apparently the bell captain did a little more than carry your bags.

“Are you the only bellman?” I asked, trying to steer the conversation where I needed it to go.

“Why?”

“I was just wondering if you had any — ”

“Whatexactly you looking for, mister?” He sounded irritated now. “You got something going with Dexter, ask him, okay?”

Dexter. That was his name. Dexter.

“When does . . . Dexter work?”

The bell captain shrugged. “Wednesdays and Fridays.”

“Oh.”

“You need your bags put somewhere?”

“Bags? No.”

“Right. Well, I’m the bell captain. So if you don’t need your bags put somewhere . . .”

He was asking me to shut up. I retreated back to the couch, where I sat for another half hour or so, or until lunchtime.

THIRTY-EIGHT

I got the gun out from behind the radiator — it was hot to the touch. I just wanted to know it was still there, that it hadn’t disappeared, hadn’t fallen down the hole in the bathroom wall or been stolen by the maid.

I held it like a rosary — something that just might grant me my dearest wish.

I put it back into the hole.

When I exited the elevator into the lobby, I could see Dexter sitting behind the bell captain’s desk with his head in his hands. He appeared to be reading a women’s muscle magazine.

I walked slowly over to the front desk and perused an old stack of tourists brochures. “Ride the Circle Line,” one said. “Broadway Tours.” All the things New Yorkers themselves never get around to doing.

The lobby was fairly quiet this morning. There was a couple who seemed to be waiting for a cab; every minute or so, the man poked his head out the front doors and announced there were no taxis yet. His wife nodded and said they were going to be late. The man said you can say that again. When the man announced that there were still no taxis two minutes later, she did.

The man in the University of Oklahoma jacket I’d seen on the elevator was complaining to the deskman that there was no King James Bible in his room.

“Are you kidding?” the deskman said to him.

An old man stood hunched over his walker just to the left of the elevators. He might’ve actually been moving, but if he was, it was too slowly to register on the eye.

I was happy for the company. It was hard to imagine anything really bad was going to happen to you while an old man was shuffling along next to you in a walker and someone else was complaining about there being no Bibles in his room.

Dexter looked directly at me and asked if I had the time.

“Eight o’clock,” I said.

And then I tensed up and waited for Dexter to recognize me.

Wait a minute, I know you — what the fuck are you doing here?

But Dexter went back into his magazine.

The old man seemed to be suffering from some kind of emphysema in addition to his leg problems; he wheezed, gurgled, and heaved with each tiny shuffle.

A woman with six-inch heels, who wasn’t suffering from any walking problems, sashayed into the lobby with a fat little man in a bad suit. She detoured past the front desk without actually stopping and grabbed a room key the deskman had already laid down on the counter.

“Come on, sweetie,” she said to the fat man. “Come on.”

The fat man kept his face trained on the worn carpeting in the lobby. He remained that way until the elevator opened up to rescue him.

Two young couples walked in with luggage and asked how much a room was. But the two women — girls, really — spent the entire time peering around the lobby with obvious distaste. They looked at the old man as if he were walking around without any clothes on. They didn’t seem to like the sight of me, either.

I heard them whispering to their boyfriends, who seemed interested in staying — the price was right, wasn’t it? But the women won out — the guys shrugged and said no thanks, then all four of them left.

THIRTY-NINE

It’s what I’d come for.

Even if I felt like shouting, No, not today!

Even if I wasn’t ready.

Still, I made it up to the twelfth floor without passing out. So far, so good. I made it into my room without being assaulted. I was on a roll. I paced around the room, back and forth, like the big cats in the Bronx Zoo, only the truth was, I was more like that lion in The Wizard of Oz, the one searching for courage.

I had courage, though, didn’t I — it was there somewhere, wasn’t it? Yes, of course. Courage was hidden behind the bathroom radiator in a towel. I went in and got it, unfolded the towel and took courage out.

I glanced at the mirror and saw a blind man staring back at me. A blind man with a gun.

I walked out of the room again, but this time I took the fire exit down—the dark stairway, which would enable me to peek once I made it downstairs. I shoved the gun into my pocket.

The stairway had strips of what looked like asbestos hanging from the walls; rats were scurrying back and forth in the dark corners of the landings. When I reached the lobby floor, I slowly opened the door wide enough to put one eye there. Only there was nothing to see. Lucinda and Sam were gone.

I walked back out into the lobby. Dexter was still behind the desk, but he appeared to have just gotten there. Maybe because he looked jumpy. As if he were worrying about his tips.

I walked over to the front desk, although I couldn’t actually feel the ground.

“Excuse me?” I said to the deskman. “Can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“That woman who walked in before?”

“Yes? Which woman?”

“The woman who walked in with the man. Just before. Dark hair. Very pretty. I think maybe I know her.”

“So?”

“Well, I’m curious if that’s her. What’s her name?”

He looked as if I’d just asked him for his wife’s phone number or the exact measurements of his prick. “I can’t give out that information,” he said dourly.

“Fine,” I said, “just tell me what room she’s in and I’ll call her.”

“You’ll have to tell me her name first,” he said.

“Lucinda?”

The deskman looked down at his register. “Nope.”

“How about the man. Sam Griffen.”

“Nope.”

For a second, I was ready to tell the deskman to check again and, if he still said nope, to accuse him of lying. That it was Sam Griffen, no mistake about it. Then I realized it wasn’t the deskman who was guilty of lying.

Sam Griffen wouldn’t have registered under his own name.

“Never mind,” I said. I walked over to the glass doors and stared out at the sunlit sidewalk.

This is how they do it, I thought. Dexter knows the room number in advance.

Lucinda picks the hotel. Then after Lucinda tells Vasquez when, Dexter tells Vasquez where. The exact room number. So Vasquez can be there waiting for them in the stairwell. Dexter is paid off, probably — each time he gets paid off. Dexter works Wednesdays and Fridays, but sometimes he works Tuesdays. If that’s when Vasquez tells him to.

I went back to the front desk. Dexter was still reading his magazine over by the bell station.

I had to get that room number.

“Excuse me,” I said.

“Yes?”

I leaned forward and whispered, “That woman I asked you about before. She’s my wife. ”

“What?”

“I’ve been waiting to see if she’d come here. You understand?”

Yes, he understood. He was a hotel deskman, so he understood perfectly. Only he still wasn’t talking.

“I can’t give out room numbers.”

“Maybe for a hundred dollars you can.”

But even though he hesitated, licked his bottom lip, and looked around the lobby as if for eavesdroppers, he still said no.

I had approximately $280 in my wallet.

“Two hundred and eighty dollars,” I whispered, and then, after the deskman still didn’t say anything: “And I won’t tell anyone you run whores out of here.”

The deskman of the Fairfax Hotel turned red. He stuttered. He sized me up. How much trouble can this guy actually make?

He whispered: “Okay.”

“For two hundred and eighty dollars, I’d like the key, too,” I said.

And the deskman said: “Room eight oh seven.”

And when I slid the money across the counter, he slid the room key back to me.

FORTY

I went back up the stairs.

But this time I heard someone in there with me.

Not at first, though. I was concentrating too hard on simply walking up the stairs. Putting one foot in front of the other and eerily conscious of my own labored breathing. I thought I sounded like the old man in the lobby — like someone with one foot already in the grave.

Then I heard somebody else in there with me.

At least several floors above me and maybe drunk, because whoever it was was stumbling around up there and occasionally cursing at himself.

In Spanish.

Lucinda and Mr. Griffen would be in the room by now, I thought. Lucinda would be demurely removing her clothing. Turning her back to Mr. Griffen as she removed her dress and stockings. And Mr. Griffen would be thanking a benevolent God.

Vasquez? He would be positioning himself in the stairwell opposite their room.

I pulled the gun out of my pocket and took a few deep breaths and kept coming.

When I turned the corner between the seventh and eighth floors, I saw him wedged against the hall door, panting and sweating.

“Who are you?” Vasquez said when he turned around to see who’d come up the stairs. He looked stoned.

“Charles Schine,” I said.

“Huh?”

“I need that loan back.”

FORTY-ONE

Dexter had slipped in during the heat of the battle.

We’d been rolling around on the floor, and neither one of us had heard the door open. That allowed Dexter to enter the room, pick up my gun, click off the safety, and point the barrel at my head.

I was leashed and muzzled. My hands were tied behind my back with my own belt. They took off my shoes and socks and stuffed one clammy sock into my mouth.

They did the same thing to Sam. Sam resisted momentarily, and Vasquez kicked him in the head.

I could smell Sam’s blood.

It smelled almost sweet, but since I knew where it was coming from, it was a nauseating sweetness. That was a problem. Because it made me want to throw up, and the thought of throwing up with a sock already stuffed into my mouth made me want to panic.

Not panicking was easier said than done. I was wondering, for instance, what they were planning to do with us, with Sam and me. I had the strong feeling they didn’t know yet.

They seemed at loose ends. They kept muttering and whispering to each other — sometimes in Spanish, sometimes not.

“Nosotros tenemos que hacer algo,” Lucinda was saying now.

I’d taken just one year of high school Spanish, and the only word I actually remembered was gracias — but I could intuit their confusion anyway.

I overheard Vasquez whispering something in English to Lucinda.

“Afterwards . . . we can go . . . Miami and . . .” They were taking off.

It made sense. After all, Sam was useless to them now, a would-be cash cow that had been irrevocably damaged. All that time and effort put into leading him here and nothing to show for it.

They were legitimately upset. They were unhappy I’d shown up. I was the reason it hadn’t worked out the way they’d planned. Me. I’d gummed up the works and left them with a problem they hadn’t counted on. Their weapons, after all, were fear and deception, but now I’d made those weapons useless.

Which left what?

“You stupid fuck . . . ” Vasquez was sitting on the bed with his hands on his knees. He was talking to me. “I told you not to pull this kind of shit again. I told you to go back to Long Island and stay there, right? You lost money before, motherfucker. Money. You should’ve thanked God. Now what you gonna do, huh?”

Perhaps pray.

It wasn’t merely the words that were frightening, that made me think praying was in order—it was the fact that Vasquez himself seemed frightened saying them. Now what you gonna do, huh? As if it were a question they’d asked themselves, then come up with an answer they hadn’t liked. When scary people start sounding scared, that’s when it’s okay to be scared yourself.

The three of them went into the bathroom together. Someone — I thought it was Dexter — was arguing against doing something. I could hear his raised voice.

When they came out of the bathroom, Dexter didn’t look very happy. It appeared he’d lost.

But Vasquez and Dexter were going somewhere now.

“Ten minutes,” I heard Vasquez whisper to Lucinda, “and then we’ll go down to . . . Little Havana . . . my cousin . . .”

Vasquez and Dexter left the room.

Which left the three of us. Sam, Lucinda, and me.

“What are you going to do with us?” Sam said through the sock in his mouth. The words muffled, but understandable.

But Lucinda didn’t answer him.

“I won’t tell,” Sam said. “If you let me go, I won’t say a thing, I promise. Please . . .”

Still no answer from Lucinda. Maybe she’d been told not to say anything — no fraternizing with the enemy. Maybe after having had to talk to Sam Griffen for months, it was nice not having to say anything to him now. Or maybe she knew exactly what they were going to do with us and thought it better not to tell.

“The sock . . . it’s choking me,” Sam said. "Please . . .”

Lucinda finally responded, but not with words. She got up and walked over to Sam — a short walk of five feet, maybe.

“Please,” Sam said, “take it out of my mouth . . .please . . . I’m choking . . . ”

So Lucinda reached down to pull out the sock.

As soon as her hand reached into his mouth, he bit down on it, and Lucinda screamed.

Maybe he’d been asking himself the same questions I had and come up with the same answers. So maybe he’d decided he had nothing to lose.

She kicked out at him — “Motherfucker!”—trying to get her hand out of his mouth, but Sam was holding on like an attack dog, the kind trained to take down robbers and not let go, even if you shoot them dead. Lucinda, screaming and punching at Sam’s head with her free hand, but Sam still not letting go, holding on for dear life.

I tried to get over there, but I had to worm my way to them, because my hands were tied behind my back. I had to move in sections. I was trying to help Sam. Because something bad was going to happen now. I could see that.

For one thing, Lucinda had managed to get her hand out of his mouth. Finally. For another, she was raising the gun in her left hand and beginning to bring it down on Sam’s head. Sam’s mouth was bloody, her blood and his seemingly mixed together, as Lucinda brought the gun down on his face again. Then again and again.

“Please,” Sam said, “please, I’m a father. . . . I have three children, ” as the gun smashed into his cheekbone. As it smashed into his nose. Hoping, I guess, that this might give her pause, might make her stop hitting him. But it only seemed to make her madder. Sam kept pleading, “Three children . . . please . . . a father, ” but Lucinda kept hitting him. Harder and harder—I could hear the sound of metal hitting bone. As if he were saying, Hit me, and she was just going ahead and obliging him.

I’d managed to get eight inches, ten inches, a foot closer to them, when I finally realized it didn’t matter.

Not now.

Sam was dead.

ATTICA

Fat Tommy was right.

They’d sent me notification in the mail.

“Dear Mr. Widdoes: This is to inform you that State budget constraints will no longer allow for an adult education program in State prisons. Classes will end on the first of next month. A formal notice of termination will follow.”

This meant I had two classes left.

Just two.

The COs kept their distance from me now, as if I had a communicable disease. Was it possible state layoffs were contagious? When I slipped into the COs lounge for coffee, they gave me a wide berth — wider even than before, when it was simply my job that had rubbed them the wrong way. Now it was my lack of one.

I sipped my coffee alone, over in the corner of the room known as the museum.

The museum had been so dubbed by a long-ago correction officer whose name no one remembered. It was a loosely arranged collection of prison-confiscated weapons. Bangers, shanks, gats, and burners — what the cons call knives. Forged from bedsprings, hollowed-out pens, smuggled-in screwdrivers — whatever the prisoners can get their hands on. But there were also crude guns — ingenious things put together with odds and ends from the machine shop, capable of putting a reasonable facsimile of a bullet into a man at close range.

It was constantly being added to. After each clear-out there’d be one or two more donations.

I stared at these crude instruments of death until the silence at my presence there grew intolerable, or until it was time for class.

Whichever came first.

FORTY-TWO

When I brought the gun out from under the bed, the world collapsed. It ended.

There was a flash of light, a blast of heat, and then the earth imploded and went black.

FORTY-THREE

That’s when it first occurred to me.

When Deanna got on the phone and said, I thought you were dead.

Or maybe it wasn’t exactly then. Maybe it was later, after I’d told Deanna what I’d been up to — what had happened to me in the Fairfax Hotel — and she gasped and went silent and then told me the police had come to the house with a warrant for my arrest. Because they’d found Winston’s body in the Staten Island dump.

Or it might’ve been later that day, when a somber and pale-looking city spokeswoman read a list of the dead on a news program. The confirmed dead and the presumed dead — otherwise known as the still missing.

My name was on it.

It was kind of surreal, listening to myself be declared officially missing. It was like attending my own funeral — my very own memorial service. The city spokeswoman said this list was carefully compiled from the hotel’s computer hard drive, recovered in the rubble — people who were known to have been registered guests at the time of the explosion. And from belongings found here and there, scattered around the blast site and stored in the hotel safe. Briefcases, PalmPilots, engraved watches, and jewelry. My watch, for example, was missing. “To Charles Schine with all my love,” it said on the back. The spokeswoman explained they’d matched this list to the people who’d made it to emergency rooms and hospital beds.

I was picking up the phone to call someone — anyone — and explain that I wasn’t dead after all, that I was still here. I was getting dressed at the same time, because maybe a phone call wouldn’t be enough, it was possible I would have to show up and produce myself in the flesh. I was rummaging through my sock drawer, and I came across Winston’s wallet.

Which is when the idea really occurred to me.

When it changed from the ridiculous to the possible. From a wishful notion to an actual plan. I’d buried Winston’s wallet in my sock drawer and forgotten about it. But I remembered something Winston told me now.

The easiest thing to get—new identities, he'd said.

His wallet, for instance, had four of them. Driver’s licenses.

A Jonathan Thomas. A Brian McDermott. A Steven Aimett.

And a Lawrence Widdoes. The only one of the four who looked even remotely like me — younger, of course, but the same basic coloring.

I thought you were dead, Deanna said.

So did a few other people.

I’d checked into the Fairfax Hotel, but I’d never checked out. Or maybe I had, but only in the vernacular sense of the term. As in, Did you hear what happened to Charley? He, well, checked out. He died.

Which reminded me of one other popular saying.

I’d be better off dead. Yes, we’ve all heard that one, too. An expression we use in times of crisis, when things are absolutely hopeless and there seems to be no way out.

Unless there is. Unless you think that you’re good and trapped, but there is a way out after all.

Being dead.

Maybe that was the way out.

If I showed up, I’d be alive.

But what if I didn't?

FORTY-FOUR

I was standing on the corner of Crescent and Thirtieth Avenue.

In front of a place called the Crystal Night Club. It didn’t look like a nightclub. It was just an ex-VFW lodge — the pale imprint of “VFW Lodge 54” still lingered on the brick facing. But it was past midnight, and I could hear music inside. A Latin-looking man was throwing up on the sidewalk.

When I walked in, I was immediately aware that I wasn’t exactly in my element.

Remember that scene from Star Wars where the hero strolls into that alien bar? I felt like that. Only these aliens were of the terrestrial variety — the kind you see on the evening news when the INS conducts its periodic roundups on the border. The kind you see on any lawn crew on Long Island. If I hopped a plane to Santo Domingo and stepped off onto the runway and into the nearest bar, it might look like this.

I was pretty sure I was the only white American in the place. Possibly the only legal American, too.

Salsa music was blaring from two enormous speakers. Spanish was flowing freely around the room.

Everyone seemed coupled up, but they were oddly paired. The women were dressed up — short flashy skirts and high heels. The men wore dirty jeans and T-shirts. It took me a while to understand what was going on.

The women were hostesses. That’s the way one of them introduced herself—first in Spanish, huéspeda . Then in English, when I looked perplexed and she got a good look at me and realized I wasn’t her usual clientele.

For a moment she hesitated, as if she expected me to realize my mistake and leave. But when I stood there and waited politely for her to continue, she did.

“I’m Rosa,” she said. “Want a hostess?”

“Yes,” I said. “Fine.”

FORTY-FIVE

I came back to Merrick later that same night.

When no one could see me. When I could scurry up the driveway and sneak in the back door. Curry whimpered and mewled and licked my hand.

Deanna rushed into my arms and we held each other until my arms went numb.

FORTY-SIX

I left that night.

But before I walked out, before I held Deanna for what seemed like twenty minutes with neither of us saying a word, I tiptoed upstairs and looked in on my daughter.

She was fast asleep, with one arm thrown over her face as if she didn’t wish to see something. Bad dream, maybe. I whispered good-bye to her.

FORTY-SEVEN

I started teaching the day after Labor Day.

Seventh-grade English. They gave me a choice of grades, and I picked the one closest to Anna’s age. If I couldn’t help her at the moment, I thought, I could help kids like her.

It was balmy, but I could already feel hints of fall in the intermittent breeze, like icy currents in an August ocean. I stood outside in shirtsleeves on the steps of George Washington Carver Middle School and shivered.

My first day was the worst.

The bell stopped ringing, and I found fifty-one skeptical students staring up at me.

The class was two-thirds black and one-third black wannabe. Even the white kids wore those low-slung dungarees with the elastic bands of their underwear showing. They practiced the strut that seemed to come naturally to their black peers; they’d stand in the schoolyard before first bell, making up raps.

When I wrote my name across the blackboard, the nub of chalk broke and the entire class laughed. I opened my desk to find another piece of chalk, but there wasn’t any — something I would discover with all my school supplies that first year.

“Mr. Wid” remained on the blackboard.

So that’s what they began to call me. Mr. Wid.

Hey, Mr. Wid, what’s shakin’? Yoh, Wid . . .

I didn’t correct them. It broke the ice that first day, and as time went on I grew almost fond of it, with the exception of a certain piece of graffiti I read on the wall of the boys’ urinal one day.

I’m holding Wid’s head in my hand!

I became fond of them, too — even the graffiti writer, who sheepishly admitted it when he was caught adding to his collection and spent two afternoons in detention for it. His detention supervisor, as it happened, was me. I volunteered for it; I had nowhere to go and no one to go home to. So I supervised detention, I taught an after-school study hall, I helped out the school basketball team.

The graffiti artist was named James. But he liked being called J-Cool, he told me. He came from a one-parent household—just his mama, he said, and I instantly thought about Anna.

I told him if he stopped writing that he was holding Wid’s head in his hand on the bathroom wall, I would start calling him J-Cool.

Deal, he said.

We became friends.

I became kind of popular with everyone. Not just with the kids, but with the faculty, since I was always volunteering for things they themselves would otherwise have had to do.

Being liked, however, had its drawbacks.

When people like you, they invariably ask you questions about yourself. They’re curious about where you came from, what you did before, if you’re married or not, if you have any kids.

Lunch hours became awkward for me. An obstacle course I had to negotiate for forty-five minutes every afternoon, maintaining just enough concentration to avoid tripping up. At first, I’d be talking to someone and would forget what I’d told someone else — Ted Roeger, eighth-grade math teacher, for instance, who’d invited me to play weekend softball with him in his over-forty league. I politely declined. Then there was Susan Fowler, a thirtyish fine arts teacher who seemed unattached and desperate, who always seemed to find an empty chair at my lunch table and turn the conversation to relationships and the difficulties thereof.

Eventually I went home and wrote out my life as Lawrence Widdoes. From childhood to now. Then I practiced it, asking myself questions about myself and answering them.

Where did you grow up?

Staten Island. (Close to home, yes, but I needed to pick a place I would at least know something about. And since I’d passed through there a million times on the way to Aunt Kate’s, I knew enough about Staten Island to avoid looking stupid if a Staten Islander decided to ask me questions about it.)

What did your parents do?

Ralph, my father, was an auto mechanic. Anne, my mother, was a housewife. (Why not? Auto mechanic was as good an occupation as any, and housewife was what most women did back then.)

Did you have brothers or sisters?

No. (Absolutely true.)

What college did you go to?

City University. (That’s, after all, what I’d put on my résumé.)

What did you do before this?

I ran a beauty care products business out of my house. Hairsprays. Facial creams. Body lotions. (A friend of mine had done that back in Merrick, so I knew something about it — enough, anyway, to get by.)

Are you married?

Yes. And no. (This was the tough one. There were no wife and children with me in Chicago now, but if things went according to plan, soon there would be. Suddenly they would just appear. Why? Because we’d suffered the great malaise of the twentieth century — marital difficulties — and we’d separated for a time. But just for a time. We were working at a reconciliation — we were hopeful it would happen and that they would join me.)

Do you have any children?

Yes. One. A daughter.

I stayed close to the truth in almost everything. It made it easier when my mind went blank, when someone cornered me with a question I wasn’t prepared for. The life of Lawrence Widdoes was different from the life of Charles Schine, yes, but not that different, and those differences slowly and haltingly became second nature to me. I became familiar with them, nurtured them, trotted them out and took them for strolls around the park, and finally adopted them as my own.

FORTY-EIGHT

I found a house outside Oakdale.

It wasn’t much of a house, a modest ranch built sometime in the fifties, but it had three bedrooms and a small garden and lots of privacy.

I rented it.

And waited for them to come join me.

FORTY-NINE

Our new life.

I got up at six-thirty and made breakfast for Deanna and Anna. For Jamie. She went off to school with me. I was able to enroll her at George Washington Carver. When the principal asked if they could have her previous academic records forwarded to them, their favorite new teacher said sure — he’d notify her last school and they’d be there in a few months or so. The principal said fine and never asked me again.

I’d scouted out a local endocrinologist named Dr. Milbourne, so Anna could continue her dialysis without interruption. He asked for her records. I gave him the same answer I gave the school. He didn’t seem overly concerned because Deanna had Anna’s blood journals for the last five years. That and her current blood sugar reading and medical work-up seemed to tell him all he needed to know. He put her on dialysis in the office, and wrote her a prescription for a portable machine we could use in the house. My new medical insurance, courtesy of the Illinois Board of Ed, took care of everything.

I managed to find a drugstore in Chicago that carried the special insulin Anna needed, the one made from pig cells that was slowly being phased out in favor of the synthetic insulins that Anna didn’t respond to as well.

Deanna, who used her previous middle name of Kim, took a part-time job as a receptionist to help out with the family finances.

And an odd and wondrous thing happened.

We became happy again.

It dawned on us gradually, in small increments here and there, until we could finally and fearlessly say it out loud.

We’d been given another chance at this thing called family. We grabbed it with both hands and held on for dear life. It felt a little like when we’d first started out, newly married and imbued with passion and hope. We didn’t know how long we’d have Anna for, that’s true, but we were determined to appreciate every single minute we did. We talked about it now, comforted each other, found strength in each other. Silence was forever banned from our doorstep. We became a kind of poster family for communication.

And slowly, intimacy came back as well. The first night we were together again, with Anna safely asleep in bed, we tore into each other with a kind of desperate abandon. Sex had taken on a new edge and, with it, a new excitement. We mauled each other, we banged bodies, we screwed ourselves sweaty, and in the end we looked at each other with a kind of amazement. Was that really us?

Two months later, Deanna announced she was pregnant.

“You’re what?” I said.

“With child. Knocked up. Preggers. So,” she said, “what do you think? Should I have an abortion?”

“No,” I said.

We’d wanted another child once. Anna’s getting sick had changed our minds. But now, I believe I wanted it as much as I’ve ever wanted anything.

“Yeah,” Deanna said. “I kinda feel that way, too.”

Seven months later, Jamie had a brother. We called him Alex. Call it a homage to Jamie’s previous incarnation — and to my grandfather Alexander.

FIFTY

Alex was two.

He was talking up a storm, doing calisthenics on the living room furniture, and generally delighting, amusing, and captivating us on a daily basis.

Kim was back to working as a receptionist.

Jamie was holding her own. Medically, scholastically, even socially. She’d made friends with two girls who lived down the road. They had sleep-overs and pizza parties and went to the movies together.

Mr. Wid? He was teaching A Separate Peace and several works of Mark Twain in seventh-grade English.

One of Twain’s classic lines seemed remarkably apt these days.

The reports of my demise are greatly exaggerated.

Jamie wasn’t the only one who’d built up a social circle. After keeping a low profile for a good part of a year, I’d finally taken some of my colleagues up on their invitations. Slowly, we began to see people. A dinner. A movie. A Sunday get-together.

My previous life began to fade. Not just because time had passed, but because this life was better in so many ways—all the ways that really counted, I now knew. I’d made more money before, that’s true. By all the usual standards of American success—a prestigious job, a nice salary, a large house—this life was a come-down. But in this life I could measure job success in something other than dollar signs. My annual bonus was seeing children who came into my class struggling and unmotivated leave it on track and engaged. It was good for the soul. And I didn’t have disgruntled and demanding clients looking for my head every day, either.

And married life? It continued to surprise in ways big and small.

Lawrence Widdoes was a happy man.

FIFTY-ONE

I went on-line.

I went back three years. I went back to the day of the explosion.

There were 173 entries for “Fairfax Hotel.”

Everything from newspaper articles to magazines articles to mentions in TV shows and even Internet jokes.

Did you hear about the new rate policy at the Fairfax? It bombed.

Most of the articles were what you might expect.

Stories of heroic firemen and innocent victims. And among the stories of innocent victims, I saw my name there again — among the missing at first, then onto the list of the dead.

Charles Schine, 45, advertising executive.

And Dexter’s and Sam’s and Didi’s names, too.

And his — placed alphabetically right at the end of the roll call.

I kept reading. There were other stories there, stories about the bomber.

RIGHT-TO-LIFER BOMBER’S HOMETOWN REMEMBERS, one of them was titled. Jack Christmas was born in Enid, Oklahoma. He was a friendly boy who washed blackboards, his third-grade teacher said. Though one school friend remembered him as kind of spooky.

There was an article about the hotel itself.

HOTEL’S UN-FABLED PAST GAVE NO CLUE. It was built in 1949. It originally catered to a mostly business clientele. It fell into disrepair and became a haven for short-rate prostitutes and low-income residents.

There were several entries about domestic terrorism.

An article about an organization called the Children of God. A manifesto from an army of antiabortionists. Several items about survivalists. A recounting of the Oklahoma City bombing and its similarities to the one at the Fairfax Hotel.

And later on, another list of the dead — with brief obituaries this time.

FIFTY-TWO

He knew where I was.

ATTICA

It was my last class.

I’d circled it in my calendar. I’d rehearsed it in dreams.

When I walked through the metal detector, a CO named Stewey said, “Last day, huh,” and I thought he looked almost despondent. Maybe people get used to the people they belittle, and who knows if they’ll ever find anyone as good again?

Before I went to my classroom, I stopped off in the COs lounge.

It was just a room with folding chairs and tables and a thirteen-inch TV usually tuned to Dukes of Hazzard reruns. The COs evidently had a thing for Daisy Duke — those high-cut shorts of hers, probably — because an old poster of her still hung on the wall. Someone had penciled in nipples on her white blouse.

I poured myself some coffee. I put powdered milk into my cup and stirred it with a plastic swizzle stick.

I casually walked over to the COs museum situated in the left corner of the room.

“You got your twelve oh-one, brother,” Fat Tommy said. He was spread across two metal chairs with a Jenny Craig TV dinner on the table in front of him.

It’s only natural that employees pick up the lingo of the workplace; Attica guards often talked like Attica prisoners. And 12:01 meant gaining your freedom — getting your walking papers.

Maybe, I thought. We'll see.

I sipped my coffee, I perused the collection of gats and burners, as Fat Tommy chomped away on a meal he could only find ultimately dissatisfying. He was the only other person in the lounge.

When I finally turned and left, Fat Tommy looked up but didn’t say good-bye.

FIFTY-THREE

I came home.

Kim came rushing out of the kitchen and stopped and stared. As if I were an apparition.

I nodded at her, I whispered, “Yes.”

She slowly walked toward me and curled herself around my body like a blanket.

It’s okay, she was saying, you can rest now.

Alex came running down the stairs, crying, “Daddy’s home.” He tugged at my shirt until I picked him up and held him. His cheek was sticky with chocolate.

“Where’s Jamie?” I asked Kim.

“Doing her dialysis,” she said.

I kissed her on the top of her head. I put Alex down. I went upstairs to Jamie’s bedroom.

She was hooked up to the portable dialysis machine. I sat on the bed next to her.

“We’ll be going back to Oakdale soon,” I said. “Back to your friends, okay?”

She nodded.

She did this three days a week now.

There was some talk of getting her on a list for a kidney-pancreas transplant — the newest hope for diabetics like her. But then there would be antirejection drugs to worry about the rest of her life, so it was hard to know if it would really be better for her. As for now, we hooked her veins up to this terrible machine three days a week, and I sat there by her bed and listened to its whir and hum as it pumped blood through her failing body.

Sometimes I drift off to this sound, and Anna is suddenly four years old again and I’m back at the zoo with her on that long-ago Sunday morning. Feeding the elephants. I lift her up into my arms, and I can feel her tiny heart running to greet me. There’s a soft chill in the air, and the leaves are drifting down from a swaying canopy of dark russet. Just Anna and her dad, walking hand in hand together in search of memories.

And I know I will sit here forever.

I will sit here as long as it takes.

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