One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbour, seeing him there, decides to investigate. “What are you doing?” he asked. Mongo replies, “My goldfish died and I’m burying him.” “That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbour. Mongo shot back, “That’s because he’s inside your ugly cat!”

A porter in a British hotel comes upon an American tourist impatiently jabbing at the button for the lift.

“Sir, the lift will be here in a moment.”

“Lift? Lift?” replies the American. “Oh, you mean the elevator.”

“No sir, here we call it a lift.”

“Well, as it was invented in the United States, it’s called an elevator.”

“Yes sir, but as the language was invented here, it’s called a lift.”

Joe: I love you. I love you. Won’t you be my wife?

Jess: You must see mama first.

Joe: I have seen her several times, but I love you just the same.

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

“You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”

Susie, still crying, said, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture.

The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked:

“Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?”

“That is an extremely simple question,” he responded. “So simple in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do.”

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”

Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.[1]”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own business!”

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”

An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along[2] at 22 MPH.[3]

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.[4] Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142.”

A small child met his new teacher for the first time.

“Are you good?” asked the teacher.

“I am the sort of boy my mummy tells me not to play with.”

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner,[5] people.”

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!”

Surprised, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

“Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.

While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?”

He replied, “1 second.”

The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million pounds to you?”

And God replied, “A penny.”

Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?”

And God replied, “Just wait a second.”

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?”

The father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breathe underwater?”

Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

The father replied, “Of course not, you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothing.”

Mother (in a low tone): Tommy, your grandfather is very sick. Can’t you say something nice to him to cheer him a bit?

Tommy: Grandfather, wouldn’t you like to have soldiers at your funeral?

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies, “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy picks up[6] his date and they go to a fountain. They stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds.[7]

He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl, “Do you like spinach?”

She says “No,” and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like spinach?”

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around[8] to see each child’s artwork.

As she got to[9] one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what her drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat,[10] or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

Wayne was returning home from a business trip… bags in hand… and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.

Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,[11]” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.”

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah… no thanks,” he answered. “I can get there myself.”

“No,” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In!”

Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver’s face softened. “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park and I want yours.

A young boy was playing with a ball in the street. He kicked it too hard, and it broke the window of a house and fell inside. A lady came to the window with the ball and shouted at the young boy, so he ran away, but he still wanted his ball back.

A few minutes later he returned and knocked at the door of the house, and when the lady answered it, he said, “My father’s going to come and fix your window very soon.”

After a few more minutes a man came to the door with tools in his hand, so the lady let the boy take his ball away.

When the man finished fixing the window, he said to the lady, “That will cost you exactly ten pounds.”

“But aren’t you the father of that young boy?” the woman asked, looking surprised.

“No,” he answered, equally surprised. “Aren’t you his mother?”

– Is it really true that everything between Rosalie and you, Michael, is over? A whole year you were keeping company.[12]

– Just imagine!

– And did you tell her about your rich uncle whose only heir you are.

– It was just because I told her about it. She left me to become my auntie.

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused.

“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world[13] would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

– Here,[14] hold my horse a minute, will you?

– Sir, I am a member of the Congress.

– Never mind![15] You look honest. I’ll take a chance.[16]

– Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?

– Yes, of course.

– Great! I never could before!

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:

“Are there any gators[17] around here?!”

“No,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t[18] been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy:

“How did you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,[19]” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ’em.[20]”

– What would you do if you won one million pounds?

– Why? Of course I’d pay off my debts.

– And what would you do with the remaining?

– The remaining would have to wait till next time.

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion.

So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please.”

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, “All our accordions are over there.”

After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.”

The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”

The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?”

The store owner says, “That ‘big red accordion’ is the radiator.”

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.

Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.

“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”

“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked:

“How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?”

“Just send a bill for such advice”, replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a ₤50 bill.

That afternoon he received a ₤100 bill from the lawyer.

The doctor explained to Jenkins that he had a serious ailment for which an operation was absolutely imperative.

The patient turned pale and asked, “Isn’t it very dangerous?”

“Yes,” the doctor replied. “Five out of six who undergo this operation die, but as for you, you have nothing to worry about.”

“Why not?” eagerly inquired the patient.

“Well, you’re sure to recover because my last five patients died,” the doctor reassured him.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed.

“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources[21] person asked a young applicant fresh out of[22] Business School, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

“About ₤125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.[23]”

“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund[24] to 50 % of salary, and a company car leased every two years – say,[25] a red Corvette?[26]”

The applicant sat up straight and said, “Wow![27] Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

As a senior citizen[28] was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”

“Heck,[29]” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said:

– I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.

– In that case, – said the patient, – I’ll come back when you’re sober.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by.

– Sailor, do you have change for a pound?

– Sure, buddy, – says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.

– That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a pound?

The plebe snaps to attention[30] and barks:

– No, sir!

– My father had two horses that looked so much alike that he measured them so he could tell them apart.

– Did that help?

– It sure did. He found that the white one was 6 inches shorter than the black one.

Man says to God:

“Lord, why did you make woman so beautiful?”

God says, “So you would love her.”

“But Lord,” the man says, “why did you make her so stupid?”

God says, “So she would love you.”

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, “I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

– Sir! Did you have a good holiday? Did you go away?

– Yes, I went to France, to Paris.

– Did you have much trouble with your French when you were there?

– No, I didn’t – but the Parisians did.

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

“Hold it,[31] hold it,” the fellow said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”

“Well, we work for the county government,[32]” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”

“Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?”

A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office.

The husband said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”

“You’re a brave man,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”

The husband turns to his wife and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he responded.

“Oh… Killed any?” she asked.

“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?”

He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said:

“Don’t all the newspapers make you tired, my boy?”

“No, I don’t read them,” replied the boy.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose the wheel, which gave humanity power over space. The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”

“Yes – so what?” “Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle – how does it know?”

The general went out to find that none of his GIs[33] were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.[34]

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The general was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the GI go.

Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The general eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth GI jogged up to the general, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the general interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the GI, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm[35] in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

“Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine”, said the boss. “But where were you yesterday?”

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.

“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.

“I’m in the process of quitting,” the guy replies. “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”

“And what’s phase one?”

“I’ve quit buying.”

Newly wed wife to her husband:

“That is why I can’t stand you[36] – you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don’t like potatoes.”

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session.

“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, “PIG!!!”

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, “BITCH!!!”

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig wandering in the middle of the road…

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.

The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.

The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo.”

The man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

A police officer in a small town stopped a driver who was speeding down Main Street.

“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain – ”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

An elderly man calls his son in London and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Manchester and tell her,” and then hangs up.[37]

The son calls his sister, who goes nuts[38] upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

One day an unknown youth asked Mozart to explain to him how to start to compose a symphony.

“You are young,” answered Mozart. “In the beginning write a ballade, and if you like it, come to me.”

“But you! At the age of ten you have composed a lot of music.”

“But I did not ask anybody how to do it.”

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

“Da-ad…” “What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?[39]” “No. You had your chance. Lights out![40]”

Five minutes later:

“Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!”

Five minutes later…

“WHAT?!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

John had just got a set of new teeth and went away for a holiday. His wife knowing how easily a set of teeth can be lost if you are bathing in a rough sea, wrote to him saying: “Take care not to wear your new teeth when you are bathing in the sea.”

He wrote back: “Why didn’t you telegraph?”

“When I use a hammer I always hit my thumb with it. What should I do to prevent it?”

“The only thing that I can think of, madam, is that you should hold the hammer with both hands.”

A blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can’t take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep[41] in the chair. The barber can’t cut her hair correctly with the headphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead.[42] Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said, “Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out…”

“Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?”

“Because he had no-body to go with!”

“I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer[43] says to his client.

“What’s the bad news?”

The lawyer says:

“Your blood matches the DNA[44] found at the murder scene.[45]”

“Dammit![46]” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” the lawyer says. “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”

“Why couldn’t Cinderella be a good football player?”

“She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach[47] was a pumpkin.”

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:

“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards[48] signed, “Guess who?”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

A man walked into a doctor’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem.[49] Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden[50] expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

We’ve all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters[51] will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

“What’s worse than finding a maggot in an apple?”

“Finding half a maggot!”

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”

One man stepped forward. “Yes, Captain, I know how to pray.”

“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.[52]”

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at a park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.

“Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.”

“What did you do?” the little girl asked.

“What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.”

“How did you get away?”

“As a last resort,[53] I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage.”

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

“Wow,” said the first guy. “I wonder how deep it is?”

“I don’t know,” said the second.

“Let’s find out.” With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn’t hear it hit bottom.

“Hmm. Let’s try a bigger rock,” said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn’t hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie,[54] which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down.

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they’d seen a goat.

“Yeah, just now,” said one of the first two guys. “It just ran up and jumped down this hole.”

“Oh, well then it couldn’t have been my goat,” said the third guy. “My goat was tied to an old railroad tie.”

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,[55]” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.

“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”

“Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”

They agreed this is a good idea.

The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over-bill my patients as often as I can.”

The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I often pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”

The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

A mother brings her five year old son to the doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

“So Doctor, what do you think is the matter with my little boy?” she asks.

The doctor replies, “He’s just not eating properly.”

When anyone asked the elderly spinster why she had not married, she answered:

“I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes, and a cat that stays out all night. Why should I want a husband?”

“Doctor, Doctor, my little boy just swallowed a roll of film!”

“Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing develops.[56]”

“Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!”

“When did this happen?”

“When did what happen?”

The difference between dogs and cats. A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods!” A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!”

A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. “Jesus is watching you!” “Who’s there?” The robber said. But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. “What’s your name?” the robber asked. “Cocodora?” said the parrot. “Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora”, said the robber. “The same idiot who named the rotweiler[57] Jesus,” said the parrot.

“Why you are going to marry that police captain?”

“It is against the law, you know, to resist an officer.”

“I hear you are marrying again! But your wife passed away[58] only three weeks ago!”

“I know, but I am not one who holds a grudge long.[59]”

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it’s his turn to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?” The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, “Anything else?” The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, “How many?” The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog’s neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.[60]

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.”

“He’s not really all that smart,” the owner replied. “This is the second time this week he forgot his key.”

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager, “Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. We have only canned and dry goods.”

The next day, the duck returns. “Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I’ll nail your flippers to the floor.”

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?” “No.” “Got any fresh fruit?”

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.[61] All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.[62] The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!”

The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

“I say, madam, your husband has fallen into the well.”

“Oh, that’s all right. We use the city water now.”

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain… suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”

“Why are you standing in front of the mirror with your eyes closed?”

“I want to see what I look like when I’m sleeping.”

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put him on the phone,[63] I’m lost! and need directions!”

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his dog lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to the dog. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, “Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?” “Yes, I’m trying to break him of this dreadful habit,” replies the blind man. “Well, it’s none of my business, but you’re not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!” To which the blind fellow chuckles, “Oh I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass![64]”

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. “Yes sir, I’m a fine horse. I’ve run in 25 races and won over 5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn.” The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse’s owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal. “Oh, you don’t want that horse,” said the farmer.

“Yes I do,” said the salesman, “and I’ll give you 10,000 for the horse.”

Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, “He’s yours.”

While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, “By the way, why wouldn’t I want your horse?”

“Because,” said the farmer, “he’s a liar – he hasn’t won a race in his life.”

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: “woman without her man is nothing”. The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote, “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote, “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

Charles shouted upstairs to his wife, “Hurry up or we’ll be late.”

“Oh, be quiet,” replied his wife. “Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”

First snake: I hope I’m not poisonous.

Second snake: Why?

First snake: Because I bit my lip!

A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said, “Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!”

“Please don’t speak so loudly, sir,” said the waiter, “or everyone will want one.”

What’s the worst thing about washing your cat? Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.

The woman came to the zoo with her little son. They came to the cage with a mystery big animal in it.

“Look, son, this is a whale,” said the woman.

“I am sorry, but this is a crocodile,” said the man.

“No, this is a whale,” the woman was very stubborn, as a donkey.

During this time the animal crawled on the land.

“As you see, this is a crocodile,” said the man, “the whales never crawl to the land!”

“Nonsense, you see with your own eyes, that sometimes they do it.”

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence, “I would like to place an order for two mongooses,[65] to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read, “I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. “Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,” he typed. “Please send us two of them.”

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and studying the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”

The man does not want to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador.[66] The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “₤650.”

“₤650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man…

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you ₤50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional ₤600 was for the cat scan and lab[67] tests.”

What is the longest word in the English language? “Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy – Either way, you get your dog back!

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

– I’d have to say it was the rooster!

How do you catch a polar bear?

First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman.[68] Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”

“Thanks,” said the employee.

“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”

“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.

The British submitted a dry historical account “The Elephant and the British Empire”.

The French submitted a text “The Sensuality of the Elephant – a Personal Account”.

The Germans submitted 47 Volumes entitled “An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant’s Ear”.

The Americans submitted an article from “Money” magazine: “Elephants – the Perfect Tax Shelter”.

Green-Peace submitted a counter-entry “Elephants – they’re better than People”.

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier “We have no Elephants but wouldn’t you want to buy a Honda instead”.

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor’s job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, “You will be hired at minimum wage of ₤5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically email you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.”

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, “You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.”

The man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having ₤10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers’ market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than two hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100 % profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost ₤100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn’t have time to deal with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is surprised, “What, you don’t have email? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you’d had all of that five years ago!”

“Ha!” snorts the man. “If I’d had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making ₤5.35 an hour.”

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”

Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”

Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”

Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

Manager: “Simple. The American put down on question # 5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down ‘Neither do I.’”

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”

“Excuse me?” the accountant said.

“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”

“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”

“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”

“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”

“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO[69] of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn[70] and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits’s end,[71] he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.[72]”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?”

“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.

“But you just had two weeks off,” said the boss. “Why didn’t you get married then?”

“What and ruin my vacation?” she whined.

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers’ compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radioactive materials and wish to claim compensation.

Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

Trucker: Oh yeah. That’s lead lined, all lead lined.

Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radioactive waste is kept in a lead container.

Trucker: Yeah, that’s right. All lead.

Assessor: Then I can’t see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.

Trucker: I’m not. I am claiming for lead poisoning.

A boss had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.”

Nine hands went up.

“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.

“Too much trouble,” came the reply.

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. “What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.” Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit’s still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback[73] by one of the Rockettes.” “You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”

Employer to applicant. “In this job we need someone who is responsible.” Applicant, “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home!

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I’m headed for the bar anyway… it never hurts to be safe.

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office boss called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with, “Miss Smith, I really don’t know how we’re going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we’re going to try.”

In the beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly He was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied[74] with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why He began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that He just liked to be creative.

Then God said, “Let there be light.” Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that He would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said He would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night.” Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed.” The EPA[75] agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.” Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation[76] and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said He wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10–12 months before…

At this point God created Hell.

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. “What is the meaning of this?” the director asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.”

“Well,” the young man replied, “in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”

“I made it all right” small boy was invited to have dinner at the home of a famous professor. When he returned, his mother asked him, “Are you sure you didn’t do anything that was not polite?”

“Why, no, nothing to speak of.”

“But did something happen?”

“Well, while I was trying to cut the meat, it slipped off to the floor. But I made it all right,” said the boy.

“What did you do?”

“Oh, I just said carelessly, ‘That’s always the way[77] with tough meat.’”

A man was having breakfast in an English hotel. He took a drink from his cup and then said to the waiter, “Is this tea or coffee?”

“Can’t you tell the difference, sir, by the taste?”

“No,” said the man. “I can’t.”

“Well,” said the waiter, “if you can’t tell the difference, what does it matter which it is?”

“Now, little boy, stick out your tongue.”

“No, I shan’t. My mother always punishes me when I stick out my tongue at home.”

“Why are you crying, Bobby?”

“I cleaned the bird cage and the bird disappeared.”

“How did you clean it?”

“With a vacuum cleaner.”

“You hammer nails like lightning.”

“Do you mean that I’m fast?”

“No, you never strike twice in the same place.”

ASSISTANT: This machine will do half your work.

CUSTOMER: All right, I’ll take two!

“You must always eat a good breakfast, so you’ll grow up quicker.”

“Not for me. If I grow up faster, I’ll get older sooner, and then I’ll have to die young.”

“I spent ten hours over my history book last night.”

“Ten hours?!”

“Yes, I left it under my bed when I went to sleep last night.”

“I’m not going to school any more.”

“Why?”

“On Monday, the teacher said 4 and 4 is 8. On Tuesday, she said 6 and 2 is 8. Today, she said 7 and 1 is 8. I’m not going back to school again until the teacher makes up her mind.[78]”

“Willie, how do you define ignorance?”

“It’s when you don’t know something and somebody finds it out.”

“If I take a potato and divide it into two parts, then into four parts, and each of the four parts into two parts, what shall I have?”

“Potato salad.”

“And has your baby learned to talk?”

“Oh, yes. We are teaching him to keep quiet now.”

A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?”

“Because they’re happy,” the mom replied.

Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do grooms wear black?”

“This is the fifth time I have punished you this week. What have you to say?”

“I’m glad it’s Friday, sir.”

“Seven cows are walking along the road in a single file. Which cow can turn around and say, “I see six pairs of horns”?”

“The first cow, of course.”

“Wrong, Bobby, cows cannot talk.”

Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I’m little Johnny.

“I can write! I can write!”

“What did you write?”

“How can I know? I can’t read.”

A man in a restaurant noticed that the waiter had brought him a cup of coffee without a spoon.

“This coffee is very hot to stir with my finger,” said the man.

Short time later the waiter came back to the table with another cup of coffee.

“Maybe this isn’t so hot, sir,” he said.

“I don’t understand why I must wash my hands before school?”

“Why not?”

“I never put them up[79] in class.”

“Miss, there is a fly in the bottom of my cup. What does that mean?”

“I don’t know! I’m a waitress – not a fortuneteller!”

MOTHER: If you wanted to go fishing, why didn’t you come and ask me first?

SON: Because I wanted to go fishing.

“What is the surest way to keep milk from souring?[80]”

“Leave it in the cow.”

LADY (seeing tug-of-war[81] for the first time): Wouldn’t it be simpler, dear, for them to get a knife and cut it?

When a young mother was bathing her baby, a neighbour’s little girl came in and watched it. The girl was holding a doll without an arm and a leg.

“How long have you had your baby?” she asked the mother.

“Three months,” answered the mother.

“My, but you’ve kept her nice![82]” exclaimed the little girl.

“What are you doing up in that tree, boy?”

“One of your apples fell down, and I’m trying to put it back.”

“Aren’t ants strange little things? They work and work, and never play.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that. Every time when I go on a picnic, they are always there.”

Teacher: Can anyone tell me what a fishing-net is made of?

Pupil: It’s made of many little holes tied together with a string.

Man: (to the station-master): when does the next westbound train arrive?

Master: at 3 p. M.

Man: and the next eastbound train?

Master: at 4 p. M.

Man: and the next northbound train?

Master: arrives at 6 p. M.

Man: and the southbound train?

Master: oh, it left two hours ago.

Man: well, i guess it’s safe to cross the tracks now.

“Why is your dog watching me so closely while I eat?”

“Maybe it’s because you are eating out of his plate.”

A school teacher told a class of small pupils the story of the discovery of America by Columbus. After he had finished the story, he said:

“And all this happened more than 400 years ago.”

A little boy, with eyes wide open with wonder, said after a moment’s thought:

“Oh! What a memory you’ve got!”

“I remember when I was young,” the old gentleman said to little Bobby, “I had to fight for my life against sixteen cannibals, and only one ran away.”

“But,” said Bobby, “last year you told me there were eight cannibals.”

“Yes,” said the old gentleman, “but you were too young then to know the whole horrible truth.”

“You are five today. Happy birthday to you!”

“Thank you, Mama.”

“Would you like to have a cake with five candles on it for your birthday party?”

“I think I’d better have five cakes and one candle, Mama.”

“Mother, we’re going to play elephants at the Zoo. Will you help us?”

“What can I do?”

“You can be the lady who gives them nuts and sweets.”

“Isn’t it wonderful how little chicks get out of their shells?”

“What puzzles me is how they get into them.”

“How is your little brother, Johnny?”

“He is in bed. He hurt himself.”

“That’s too bad. How did he do it?”

“We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.”

“Is your dog clever?”

“Very. When I say to him: come here or don’t come here, just as you please, he comes or he doesn’t come, as he pleases.[83]”

A father took his young daughter to the cinema. He took a seat in the middle of the hall while his daughter sat down in the front row to join some other children. The film was showing a forest fire which frightened the little girl very much and she came back to take a seat beside her father.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Did the fire frighten you?”

“Oh, no!” she answered. “The smoke got in my eyes.”

“What is the difference between lightning and electricity?”

“Well, you don’t have to pay for lightning.”

“So, Joe was the life of the party?[84]”

“Oh, yes. He was the only one who could talk louder than the radio.”

“That letter is too heavy,” said the clerk in the post office, after weighing the letter.

“You’ll have to put another stamp on it.”

“What’s the good of that?” said the boy. “If I put another stamp on it, that will make it still heavier.”

“It was so cold where we were,” said the Arctic explorer, “that the candle froze and we couldn’t blow it out.”

“That’s nothing,” said another man. “Where we were the words came out of our mouths in pieces of ice, and we fried them to see what we were talking about.”

“Is it bad luck when a black cat follows you?”

“That depends on whether you are a man or a mouse.”

An American and a Scotchman were walking near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotchman called forth the strongest echo that could ever be heard in that place. When the echo was clearly heard after almost two minutes, the proud Scotchman, turning to the American, exclaimed, “You cannot show anything like that in your country!”

“Why,” said the American, “in my camp in the Rockies,[85] when I go to bed, I just call out, ‘Time to get up; wake up’, and eight hours afterwards the echo comes back and wakes me up.”

Robert smiled when the teacher read the story of a man who swam a river three times before breakfast.

“Do you doubt that a trained swimmer could do that?” asked the teacher.

“No, sir,” answered Robert, “but I wonder why he didn’t make it four times and swim back to the side where his clothes were.”

“Tom, your hands are very dirty. What would you say if I came to school with dirty hands?”

“I should be too polite, sir, to mention it.”

“I can’t think why they make so much noise about Miss Smith’s voice. Miss Jones has a much richer voice.”

“Yes, but Miss Smith has a much richer father.”

“Have any of your childhood hopes been realized?”

“Yes. When Mother used to pull my hair, I wished that I didn’t have any.”

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show.

“Look, it’s not the same hat.”

“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”

“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?[86]”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another and another.

After a week the parrot said, “OK, I give up.[87] Where’s the boat?”

“I’m really worried about my wife. She drives like lightning.”

“Do you mean that she drives too fast?”

“No, but she always strikes trees.”

“Honey,” said a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, “Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!’”

“Mummy, I’ve got a stomach ache,” said Nelly, a little girl of six.

“That’s because you’ve been without lunch. Your stomach is empty. You would feel better if you had something in it.”

In the afternoon the minister came to see Nelly’s mother. While they talked, the minister remarked that he had been suffering all day with an awful headache.

“That’s because it’s empty,” said Nelly. “You would feel better if you had something in it.”

“What do you love most about me,” a husband asked his wife. “My tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?”

“What I love most about you,” responded the man’s wife, “is your enormous sense of humour.”

“What has 24 feet, green eyes and a black body?”

“I don’t know – what?”

“I don’t know, either, but you’d better pick it off[88] your neck.”

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired,[89] you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot,[90] you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!”

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbour. “I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five pound bill to a bum.”

“You gave a bum five whole pounds?[91] That’s a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?”

“Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, ‘Thanks.’”

A woman was leaving a café after her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean-looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”

“What happened to him?”

The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.[92]”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

“Get in line.[93]”

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise,[94] you didn’t have to keep yours.

Teacher: Little Johnny, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one.

Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the way.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot[95] on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer, and then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square.[96] I am a magician. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the magician says, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off losing for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The magician says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says, “It’s great! I always win.”

“I did that for you,” responds the magician. “And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

“Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill,” he replied.

The magician smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?”

Now the golfer looks at him and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”

Floored[97] the magician stammers, “Once or twice a week?”

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Bob asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.[98]”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook[99] made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’ “

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example, would you? I must confess, I don’t know much about history.”

The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking[100]…”

The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. “How can you win, Satan?” asked St. Peter. “All the famous ballplayers are up here.”

“How can I lose?” answered Satan. “All the umpires are down there.”

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing away.

Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell.

When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where he left off, but the Devil’s screen was black.

Satan says, “How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!”

Then God says, “No, Jesus saves.[101]”

Teacher: If you had one pound and you asked your father for another, how many pounds would you have?

Little Johnny: One pound.

Teacher (sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don’t know my father.

The proud young mother was discussing with her husband what they should call the new baby. “I’ve made up my mind,” she declared firmly, “we’ll call her Penelope.” The husband didn’t like the name at all, but he decided to be subtle about it.[102]

“That’s a lovely name, dear,” he said. “The first girl I ever went out with[103] was called Penelope and it will bring back pleasant memories.”

“I think we’ll call her Mary, after[104] my mother,” said the wife.

Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Little Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

Once there were two twins at the age of eight who were completely opposite, one always had a good attitude and a positive outlook on life, the other was always negative and found something to whine about in everything.

When Christmas was around the corner that year their parents decided to try and balance out the brothers’ attitudes. For the negative son they bought a brand new bike.[105] For the positive son they went out to a farm and filled a box full of horse crap.

Christmas came and the parents watched their reactions. The negative son opened his gift first, finding the new bike. Immediately he began to complain, “It’s too cold out to ride a bike, I don’t even know how to ride one, I hate this gift!”

Just then the positive son started to open his gift. With his parents watching, he pulled back the flaps on the box and peered in at its contents. He stood silent for a moment and then shouted excitedly, “There’s gotta be a horse around here somewhere!”

There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.

Pat went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.[106] St. Peter said, “Who are you?” and Pat replied, “My name is Pat, I’m an Irishman, born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.”

St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this information was true. So he said to Pat, “Yes, this is all true, so here is a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’ You’ve earned it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven.”

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and it starts to play ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’

He heads out into heaven, a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He’s having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around for two whole days. However, on the third day, he’s driving down the main expressway[107] in heaven with the harp playing full blast[108] when, all of a sudden, a pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time to see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.

Pat makes a U-turn[109] right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway, charges back[110] to the Pearly Gates, jumps off of his little green cloud and stalks up[111] to St. Peter.

He says, “St. Peter, my name is Pat, I’m an Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marchin’ in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’

St. Peter, there’s a Jew over there. He’s got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!”

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says, “Pat, shush![112] He’s the boss’s son!”

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other[113] in their determined efforts to get away from evil.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”

The man says, “Yes, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “No. Sure am not.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

A man stumbles up[114] to the only other man in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course?[115]” comes the reply.

The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.

The first man responds, “You don’t say,[116] I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.[117]”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ’92.”

“This is unbelievable!” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’92, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for[118] the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, “What do two plus two equal?”

The mathematician replies, “Four.”

The interviewer asks, “Four, exactly?”

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, “Yes, four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer calls in[119] the accountant and asks the same question, “What do two plus two equal?”

The accountant says, “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, “What do two plus two equal?”

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, “What do you want it to equal?”

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company’s Quality Assurance Manager.[120] The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers.[121] This seems an excessive refinement,[122] and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up[123] to the nearest semiquaver.[124] If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above,[125] one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

A famous European writer was talking to an American girl. The American, speaking in the writer’s native language, asked him why he had never visited the United States.

“I know only a few sentences in English,” answered the writer.

“What are the sentences?” asked the girl.

“How do you do? I love you. Forgive me. Forget me. Ham and eggs, please,” answered the writer.

“Why,” exclaimed the girl, “with that vocabulary you could travel all over my country.”

“Mamma, please, change my name.”

“But why must I do that?”

“Because Daddy says he is going to spank me as sure as my name is Bobby.”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die:

1) Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2) At lunch, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind[126] before he goes back to work.

3) For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household chores.

4) Satisfy his every whim.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. She replied, “You’re going to die.”

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

Are computers males or females? You decide.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:

5. They’re heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you’ve established a network connection.

3. They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than they have to and they won’t think of it on their own.

2. They’re typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they’ve already invested so much in the damn machine that they’re compelled to remain with an under powered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that’s the only time you have their attention.